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Thread: I feel so ashamed and guilty

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    I feel so ashamed and guilty

    Something happened to me when I was very young, under 6 y/o
    I was a young girl but I knew what masturbation was and I did it quite frequently, I didn't think it was bad at first, now I know Freud says it is a normal part of childrens' developpement but at the time my parents told me to stop, I felt ashamed of it then, my mother even gave me some kind of cream for irritations to put on myself, it sounds weird now that I think about it but I think she had no idea what to do
    Then one day I remember my brother called me in his bedroom and asked me if I wanted him to "help me" I said yes and I can't remember it well enough but he asked me to take my pants off and he didn't rape me but did it with his mouth, my mother asked what we were doing throug the door and I said we were playing
    When it was finished I felt what happened wasnt right and I went to tell her
    I think I remember her screaming at him but then nothing
    Its the first time I get this off my chest and Ive always felt like it was my fault now I can't stand anyone touching me in a romantic way I feel ashamed dirty and guilty and disgusting and I hate him as much as I want him to be better because he was a teenager and he wasnt quite alright
    I can't tell anyone because they would judge me and I still live with him so I don't know how they would react to him
    I hope it wasnt my fault I feel so guilty for not saying no I feel horrible I can't stand sex

  2. #2
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    I am so sorry this incident is still causing you to feel shame. As you say most psychologists/doctors/paediatricians/other people in the know now accept that masturbation is not a deviancy...rather it is a activity that many people engage in at various stages of their lifespan.

    Like you I grew up in less enlightened times...mention of private parts let alone touching them was treated as strictly taboo - seen as a serious indication that the person was on the road to perdition...would grow hair on their hands, stunt their growth, go on to be sexually promiscuous etc. Fortunately research has refuted these guilt making and alarmist myths..

    You do not mention how old your brother was when the incident you describe took place. If like you he was a young child engaging it exploratory rather than predatory behaviour. I am glad your mother intervened when she did and if I am reading it right put and end to any repeats of what happened.

    Like you I find it hard to let go of long held guilt for childhood incidents...inclined to judge myself unfairly and harshly. What helps me is to look at them within their total context eg to take into account my age, level of maturity, as well as the the part others (as well as my own) actions played in the incident.

    I hope what I have shared helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (03-31-2017),weepingwillow (04-02-2017)

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