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Thread: Drowning

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Drowning

    I had my first boyfriend at 15. I loved him with every bone in my body. He controlled every aspect of my life. He made me feel guilty for wanting to be with family, made me feel bad to want to go to sleep over talk to him at 2am. I didn't know it at the time, but that boy would forever taint my love. I ended it 2 years ago, I'm 19 now, and there's periods of time where I still cry and hate myself because of how he was.

    I never ever had mental illness issues before I met him. I was hospitalized 2-3 times because of him and I didn't want him to feel bad so I told him it wasn't about him. He made me become anxious about leaving my house, texting back anyone slow, or putting myself first, even after we were done. I still have these issues.

    At the end of our relationship, I was suicidal, and he encouraged me to end my life. I have it on replay in my head at least once a week.

    If I ever saw him again, I know I will not be able to control my rage and attack him. If I'm not stopped, I know I would end his life.

    This isn't healthy, but I've been to therapy, I've taken pills. I'm so unhappy and loathe myself and I just don't know what I should do.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,132
    i relate to what you're saying, the aftermath of abuse doesnt miraculously disappear once the abuse is over with. anxiety especially - i still get cold sweat when someone knocks on my door, and sometimes pass out at supermarkets (he's dead now, but i still have problems with people seeing me spending money on food for myself). it does get better though, with time/work. my life is incomparably better now than it was ten years ago. hope yours gets better too.

    i really hope you wont kill yourself or him. yourself cuz it sucks to die while the problem could be fixed. i had a friend who killed herself at 14, she was molested by her stepdad and felt there was no way out. i was the same age and at the time felt it was her choice; i was sad she was dead but felt she had the right to choose suicide. im older now, and idk if she had this right or not, but i know for sure that there indeed was a way out; a 14yo kid doesnt need to kill herself to escape sexual abuse at home. there are other solutions to this problem, and i wish she reached out to someone. she was a good kid, had a life ahead of her, it woulda been better if she were alive still, both for her and for the world.

    and killing him - not even talking of the moral aspect of the issue, but - its likely to result in life in prison. so no college, no husband, no kids, no house, no dog, no traveling the world, no vacations, etc. very limited number of people to choose friends from. very limited choices on what to eat, where to go, what to wear, etc. and its not for a while, its for life. decades of sitting locked up, and likely dying there in 50 years or so. i mean, your life, your choice; for me it wouldnt be worth it, cuz its causing more pain and suffering to me than to the guy i understand the urge, just hope you find a way to control yourself...

    for you
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  3. The following 5 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    eagle22 (03-29-2017),Jane (03-29-2017),Jobriel (03-29-2017),Sunfl0wer (03-29-2017),weepingwillow (04-02-2017)

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