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Thread: Current relationship issues

  1. #1
    scarednconfused Guest

    Current relationship issues

    Hi everyone,

    So I am in abusive relationship. We live together. He doesn't pay for anything but his alcohol and drugs and occasionally his gas. When he's feeling generous he has been known to give me 10 dollars toward gas. That has happened on about 2-3 occasions. When he's feeling pressured he will buy some food items to eat. Not necessarily for me, but for himself to eat at that moment and if I happen to eat as well, all the better. He has never filled my fridge. I bought my condo in Sept of 2015, he has never put money toward the walls getting painted, the tiles being laid, the wood flooring and baseboard being installed, though he claimed he would. He lost his job in Sept 2016 after which he was eventually evicted due to some missed payments. He officially moved his belongings in Jan 27 my birthday when I was away at a leadership retreat for my youth group. I sent him the money for the down payment for the storage and the moving truck. I felt bad for him. His family is predominantly in NY. The eviction left him with no place to stay. I was his better option. As "lame" and "mentally abusive" and "controlling" and "lying" and "whorish" and "sneaky" and "crazy" and "mentally disturbed" I am, he decided to prey on me and the home he knew I owned and which he knew I made low payments on.

    The abuse started a couple of months after we started talking but I didn't realize how real it was until he wrapped his hands around my neck at a party in Wynwood with all my friends and family and strangers there...because he felt I had disrespected him by not telling him "what he was walking into". My best friend made a joke about her me and her younger brother (inside joke of like 10+ years!). I have never tried sleeping with her brother or talking to him or anything of that nature...he's my best friend's little brother!! We joke around about it cuz that's the inside joke but even that died down as we got older. But he took it to heart and when I came back from peeing with my sister he thought that was the time to assert his control and dominance. It has only progressed to worse abusive tactics from there. I agree, I have allowed so many things to slip by. His lying to me about his situation with his ex; apparently they were still together...he uses that to throw in my face calling me a side b*tch and that is what I will always be. His sleeping with and planning to sleep with other women (I have caught him...I found texts pics accounts messages). His using me for my situation (I will say I am educated as I have a master's in psychology which he also throws in my face saying that I have a degree but I am just a runner for my managers at my pharmaceutical company and that I allow people to walk all over me; I, obviously, have a job that pays decent, that allows over time, that has benefits and affords me an ok enough paycheck to where I can pay my home and his rent at the time which was way more than my mortgage and HOA together; I have my own place which he is currently taking full advantage of; I have - had - a great 401k savings plan...all to kaput because of him; my credit was fairly decent; I am too kind and I want love in return because I love hard...he saw that...he took advantage). His disrespectful nature (he has cursed me out in front of company, kids, strangers on so many occasions I cannot even count. He down talks me when im not around, when he is angry with me. He has told me so many times not to speak to anyone about our problems because I will be the one to look stupid when I go back - something a female friend of his has confirmed even though she doesn't know the full situation , just his side.). His terrorizing (he has blown cigarette smoke in my face, burned me with his lit cigarette when I tried to just ignore him and say nothing in response to his poking and antagonizing knowing anything I said would be used as fuel for him to hit me, hit me with my bedroom door, pulled my bed sheets and pillows from under me while I tried laying hoping for him to get bored and leave me alone, lit his lighter on my face and thighs. That's just a small excerpt. And when I was hell-bent on not responding to his childish antics one night, he twisted my wrists, squeezed my left breast, pulled me from the bed multiple times, then eventually got on top of me and hit me on the left side of my face multiple times only stopping when he saw he broke skin when he scratched me.

    When things simmer down and I try to being to light the damage he has done to my body or how scared I was he usually replies along the lines of "you're lucky cuz I could have done worse", "if I wanted to hurt you I would", "that's what you get for talking sh*t. don't talk to me with disrespect, you wont get disrespect", or the famous "I don't know what you're talking about", "I don't remember that", "I didn't hit you...I MUSHED you!" No admittance. Some sorries. Always a nice, clean sweep under the rug and a blame to me for causing things to go bad or for ruining the situation again, and again, and again.

    I recently found out I was pregnant. Should be excited as I have always wanted a child of my own. This will be his and my first. That is what scares me...I don't know what will happen with him around and I definitely don't want him to see this as us having to stay together because we are bringing (hopefully a healthy, beautiful) child into this world. I thought it would change something in him, though, and after this morning I see I was wrong again for hoping for a positive change. He came home last night...im sorry, this morning around 5am. he snuck into my bedroom, got his charger, went to the other room, text the chick of the moment(?), went out on the balcony for a smoke, etc. I decided it was safe to get ready for work. As im putting on my makeup (which I rarely do as I hate makeup but I wanted to feel pretty...he makes me feel so ugly and undesired and worthless) he comes in stating that im getting ready to see "him" huh? Stating that I went to lunch with "him" to the BBQ spot and now I'm putting on makeup so I can go see "him". Asking where I "ran off to so quick yesterday morning...I was so quick to run off yesterday morning". The "yesterday morning he spoke of was the first prenatal appointment he was informed about but didn't care to keep up with and remember. He was too busy getting drunk and snorting cocaine that night/morning prior (again) to remember. That was his priority. Not his first child's viewing. So I get upset and I yell at him and said that I went to the prenatal appointment something he obviously forgot about because he was too drunk and high to remember. Big mistake. I walked back into my room closed the door behind me then began a cough spell (I guess that's a pregnancy thing?). He bolted through the door and smacked me so hard on the right side of my face, I saw lights for a second and I fell to the floor. I cried, and cried and cried. Throughout it he told me I was faking there weren't even any tears on my face, to shut the eff up, that's what I get for talking sh*t, laughed at me when I got up and saw he was laying in my bed, saying I always ruin everything that he needs to get away from me, that I'm crazy.

    Since I found out I was pregnant that was the first time he hit me. But he has threatened to abort my child himself and almost strangled me and slap me at least three times because I complained about his drug use and his not being around and how I don't think we can do this together. I am scared he will kick my stomach when im bigger and I know the abuse will continue. I know it sounds weird but I dreamt about it (and the threatening to kick my stomach...that's how I knew I was pregnant before taking the test) and because he has proven to be the same. I strongly believe the drugs are a huge aggravator and I have suggested he stop but I am "controlling" and trying to run his life when that happens...when I fear him coming home or me going home after a long day of work. I have no peace and now that I am with child I feel more stress than before...he doesn't care about the damage im incurring or the stress and damage this little fetus is enduring so early on.

    I am angry and I am scared. (sorry for the long post)

  2. #2
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    hey scarednconfused

    i relate to what youre saying, but idk what to tell you cuz leaving or staying gotta be your decision. we could all jump at you saying you gotta leave the guy, hes abusive, violence is dangerous to you and to your unborn child, hes taking advantage of you, hes clearly not interested in being a husband or a father, stop beating at dead horses, this isnt gonna be a happy family, etc. but, i mean, whats the point? you know it already, you said it yourself. many people involved in abusive relationships go back and forth a few times before leaving for good. they know they are being abused, but still stay in an unsafe situation, for a multitude of reasons. been there myself.

    i left when i realized theres no other solutions aside from those i know and dismiss as impossible (i.e. leaving or staying). theres just no other options, no hidden shortcuts, no magic wands, nobody is gonna come rescue me against my will, like it happens on tv sometimes. theres nothing for me to wait for or to hope for, nothing is gonna change, the only change possible would have to come from me. theres help available, if/when im ready to make the change happen. i went to a coupla counselors, to talk about my options, practicalities, etc. also to get some rough idea on whats normal and what isnt, cuz i felt my perspective was getting funky, like whats my fault and what isnt, whats my responsibility and what isnt, whats within my power to change and what isnt, etc. theres hotlines under "help" tab on top of this page, organized by country. you can talk with them on the phone, or chat with them, or get a referral to someone in 3d, in your area. dv counseling is free and confidential, in dv shelters/centers, victims rights organizations, etc.

    i hope writing about your situation helped you - i know it used to help me, was just too much to keep in my head, felt like i would explode, was overwhelming and confusing. having it all written down helped me break it up and process it a piece at a time.

    i hope he doesnt get physically violent again while youre pregnant, or, if he does (since you're saying you know that he will) - i hope your child will be born healthy despite it. so many life-long disabilities come from violence during pregnancy...
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  3. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (03-15-2017),Tasha1701D (03-14-2017),weepingwillow (03-14-2017)

  4. #3
    scarednconfused Guest
    Thank you for your response. Yes it is hard to leave for me and for other women. But its not because I'm in love with him. That feeling died a while ago when I realized he didn't really love me like he claimed, when he kept doing the same things to hurt me not caring that I was breaking time and time again. Now I am broken. Now I hate him. I still care for his well-being sort of cuz I don't wish bad on anyone. He has his own personal issues to deal with and he has no leg to stand on and I don't want to be that person that gives up on him again. But at this point I am starting not to care. I am starting to plan for either his eviction or for me to move out and buy a new home without him. By then I will have my baby and that may make my decision tougher but its something that has to be done. He doesn't care that he is hurting us. He doesn't care he is adding stress to the pregnancy. He wont care if he screams at me or hits me in front of our child. He wont care if he beats the child for no reason except because he is angry and needs an outlet

  5. #4
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    Hear you...sounds like you are making progress on your decision to get away from this man. Know how much resolve and planning that takes...even more so I suspect when you are pregnant. Like you I realised that my relationship was toxic...not what I wanted. That unless I was prepared to accept that this was going to be how it would remain that I was ok with it my best option was to make the decisions that were right for me. Was hard - was not like any of my options were what I would have wanted. In the end I bit the bullet and left...realised hanging round and hoping some how the right time to leave would magically reveal itself was just delaying thing so set an "I'm out of here" date and used the time leading up to it to prepare...consult with a legal advisor on how to protect my property and other rights. Squirrel away a little extra money and sort out my immediate post-separation plans. Would like to say that my planning made the actual deed easier...It didn't...initial stage was tough - real tough. However like many before me I did (eventually!) find that I had the strength I needed to survive and rebuild my life. Now I look back and wonder how I endured what I did - stayed as long as I did.

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (03-15-2017)

  7. #5
    Unregistered123 Guest

    Am I over exaggerating?

    I probably have been living with emotional abuse for over 5-6 years with my husband.
    It started slow and then escalated. It's not something I've really have been thinking about. But I have had really tough times for example when he totally ignores me when I do something bad. Yell in a way that really scares me, and therefore I've always tried to do what he likes.

    Anyways, I had a real bad breakdown from overworking, not sure how much my home
    situation had to do with it, cause I've never really been thinking about it before. It's the people around me who reacts or say things isn't normal.

    He have been aggressive yelling, saying bad things to me or about me in a scary voice, belittling me. He treats my like a child sometimes. He never does anything wrong. And I'm not sure if he's right or not. I'm so used to this I'm not sure what is normal or what, or maybe it is just me.

    When I was hospitalized he didn't like it. He wanted me out of there and started calling me on the phone, screaming, threatening and so on.
    After that I almost left him. But he cried and wanted to make amends so we gave it a shot. He really did try, I give him cred for that. It lasted for very long, although some patterns never faded away. Maybe I overlook the bad things when I see good things?

    He slowly started to return to his old self. Saying I couldn't buy this or that. When I bought the wrong things he would yell at me because it was a waste of money. Freezing out, not being there. He snapped at one incident, opened my box because he was looking for a thing and just threw it out, went into the closet and did the same thing. Because I said i wanted to buy the thing I couldn't find. I had to clean my box. He yelled at me that it was all a mess and I shouldn't nag at him about cleaning and focusing one the wrong things.

    Thinking about divorce. Suggested couple therapy in which he said we didn't have no problems, and the discussion ended with me feeling it was all my fault.

    The day after and some days until now he has completely changed. Gives our child more attention, says that he loves me. He wants to watch movies together and drink wine. How long will this last? What am I doing? How could I ever have thought about divorce, everything is good now right?

    When I thought about divorce all I could feel was relief ad hope. Now I am just confused.

    Suggestions?

  8. #6
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    I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. One where your partner thinks he has a right to treat you as lesser control you, interfere with your ability to make your own choices as an adult.

    Up to you really - took me a while to get to the point of realising that how he was, was likely how he would stay - that yes he was capable of controlling his behaviour - (and did this when he needed to...to regain my trust. hook me back in) but experience shows me that this change was not one he was prepared to commit to...it was a short term expedient one that he used over and over.

    Eventually I realised I had two choices (neither of them what I would have chosen) accept him as he was...that it was my choice to stay. Or to say 'enough is enough' and plan to leave. I did the latter, was not easy to grit my teeth and accept what was wrong - that I needed to put an end to it. Helped me to ring my dv shelter the staff there assisted me to look at my options and to point me in the direction of the support that was out there for women in my situation. I also 'came clean' to my family and trusted friends - was no easy cuz like many before me I had previously covered up the fact that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Made a difference to have the support of these people...was also surprised that my previous cover-up had not really worked...seems that in my case people did notice - just did not have the confidence to bring the subject up or offer unsolicited support..

    I hope what I have shared helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    kittenlover (03-21-2017),Sunfl0wer (03-21-2017)

  10. #7
    Unregistered123 Guest

    Thank you

    Thank you for your reply!

    I'm really glad you shared your story with me, it really feels that I'm not alone with this and these questions.

    I tried to write all things down from the beginning to now in our relationship. The bad things clearly overrule the good ones.
    In fact I have got a hard time finding positive things about him.

    I think some part of me still love him and such, but he has treated me so bad, and did things...I can't trust him anymore.
    I'm not sure if I would like to actually try. Because I've tried so much. And I'm sick of it. And these things have left scars, and probably still will.
    We have a daughter. Even if I can't see it I bet she is affected by it. I don't want this for her.

    Some part of me have already decided for divorce..but it's not easy. I contacted a women's shelter for advice. To try to understand
    if this really is abuse at all, because it's so confusing.

    If I decide to divorce him. My daughter, she will be devastated, I don't know.

    And I'm scared for how my husband could react. Based on earlier experiences it doesn't look good.
    He will surely threat to take my daughter to his home country. Beg cry scream. I will really need help with that. I've got support though but
    I'm scared.

    At the same time, when I think there are other ways to live, to feel hope. It just feels right, and I feel so happy.
    This is hard

    Again , thank you for your reply

  11. #8
    Unregistered Guest

    Don't know if this counts as abusive.

    I'm not really sure how to feel or what to do with myself after what happened this weekend.

    Basically. I've been sober for months.. this weekend I drank.. my boyfriend was not impressed with this.

    We got into a verbal fight when I got to his place. I broke a record he gave me. In return he ripped a modelling photo of mine, wiped it on his butt and then smeared it all over my face. Threw my things, ect ect..

    I can't stop thinking about the actions he did. I could smell feces on my face.

    I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know about this.

    He's asking to see me and got upset I didnt want to sleep with him this week - but I really just can't stop thinking about what happened.

    It's not hitting.. so maybe I'm overreacting???

  12. #9
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    Sounds like things got out of hand between you and your partner. Lead to him lashing out and choosing to do things to hurt you. That what happened has left you feeling shaken and hurt. In these situations it sometimes helps me to make the first move...do this by owning my behaviour and discussing how if I could replay my part I would have done things differently....idk accepted that I was affected by drink and gone to bed and sobered up. I know this is not an easy thing to do however I have found that hard and all as it is it generally does help to reopen the lines of communication and allow me and my partner to talk honestly (and hopefully constructively)...get back on track.

    My thoughts are with you as you process this (hopefully repairable) fracture in your relationship.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  13. #10
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    honestly not trying to be a jerk, but really am puzzled here. if someone anonymous online told you that this isnt abuse and that youre overreacting - you'd continue tolerating this sort of thing? would see him, sleep with him, etc?

    hitting vs no hitting matters for legal purposes (and in my totally amateur opinion what youre describing constitutes physical assault still, cuz there was non-consensual physical contact achieved by force, it doesnt matter of it was hitting or pinching or spitting or whatever, physical touch, assault). however, aside from legalese - theres also just personal choices which relationships to engage in and which to avoid.

    i been on a date with this guy, he spoke with his mouth full, so i didnt know what to focus on - the food in his mouth or the story he was trying to tell me. bad table manners arent a form of abuse, but i refused to see him again. cuz romantic relationships are voluntary, i can stay with the person or leave them for any reason or no reason at all, it doesnt have to be abuse for me to have the right to say no...
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