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Thread: abusive ex

  1. #1
    orphan Guest

    abusive ex

    New here... I'm battling with her abuse still.
    She has refused dna testing on "our" children. Since birth. I even signed up to pay childsupport... she refuses to "grant" me the right to be a father. Was told I'd have to sue her in district court.

    She also gets triggered and will lash out. I was quiet in the car... she screams at me in a crowded restaurant. We tried a couples councilor, went off for almost an hour. I tried to take in her complaints. Work on improving. My turn...
    I say when she doesn't get her way... she lashes out to hurt me. Next words out of her mouth? He does drugs in front of the kids!!! Thankfully the Dr. saw that as an example of my issue. I could have been jailed!

    I have ceased contact in the friendliest way possible. I feel I cannot have any contact with the kids, just a matter of time before she makes an accusation that will stick. Hence the no paternity rights...

    I am far from perfect. Recently I realized she is and has always been abusive.
    My concern is... isn't she also abusing the children?
    She is a hardcore feminist and a professional victim. Hillary lost=USA hates women. Evil men ect....

    I'm lost and need help.
    Thanks for listening. Sorry if this isn't formatted correctly.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi Orphan...so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Is a fact that gender is not one of the things that define who and who is not an abuser or indeed the victim of abuse. In a similar situation I found it helped to get good legal representation...helped me tp protect my rights...to counter false accusations made by my partner.

    Hear your concerns about your children...that they do not become the collateral damage...do not have to listen and worry about the adult (beyond their control) stuff that is currently playing out between you and their mother.

    Hear you remark that your ex wife is a 'hardcore feminsist'. I know several women who identify as feminists...have seen no evidence that they go round the world causing harm and hurt just the opposite...advocate for women's rights...they sure do that...however do this in a way that does not diss the rights of men (eg when they lobby for equal pay for women they do not advocate that this should be acheived by denying men their right to a fair pay rate for the job they do).

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (03-14-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Thank you Jane.
    Hope I didn't offend, with the hardcore remark. I consider myself a feminist. Equal rights, pay, ect... yes. Most definitely. She uses her... cause to hurt others and actually makes a living (of sorts) being a victim.

    My concern is for the kids. I feel she is actually abusing them. That is why I posted. Do others agree? What do I do?
    What have others done? If I did the inverse... made her out to be a monster, denied her the right to co-parent, be involved, see or even speak to them...it would be abuse, right?

    Guess I am a bit confused. Have found no info about this. When I went to child services.... they had no resources for fathers. They had never even seen a man ask for help with this. They warned that it would be open shut if anything was ever accused. By them, the police, the courts, everyone.

    I cannot fathom a Mother denying her child a Father. I.... it's....

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    I'm no expert in this area...but know that compiling hard evidence has always helped me to make a case. :Idk I certainly do not propose that you in anyway put pressure on your kids to talk about their mother your relationship or discuss your misgivings about her with them (clearly that would just add to their feelings of conflict and pain). What I am talking about is keeping a record of dates and times you asked to be able to spend time with them and she refused. Another thought maybe if you have a history of substance abuse, taking regular screening tests and keeping the results to show you are now clean...offering to have supervised visits as a starting point.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (03-14-2017)

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    i hear what youre saying orphan, and am truly sorry this is happening. im glad you posted, cuz its an issue many men struggle with but dont have much support for - like you said, there are organizations to help women with this, but not much help for men in the same situation. i hope you find the support youre looking for at fort, spousal abuse is a nasty thing, and does leave aftermath to work through.

    im no lawyer, but heres my take on the kids issue:
    i think "abuse" is a funny word, everyone means something different when they say it, and its sad that lines between "crime" and "behavior i dont like" get blurry as a result.

    child abuse that gives grounds for cps intervention (and possible loss of custody) can be physical, sexual, or neglect. i.e. she gotta be beating the kids up, molesting them, or neglecting their basic needs to the point that it interferes with their health/safety.

    emotional child abuse is very hard to get cps involved on, but could be possible, in some jurisdictions, when it reaches extreme levels (which is rare cuz by then it usually gets physical/neglect too). for example, i remember there was a case where a mother made her son, elementary school age, stand outside all day with a sign that said "im a filthy pig". if i remember right, the reason they ended up interfering was cuz of heat stroke, dehydration, etc - physical neglect rather than emotional impact. for another example, there was a 13yo girl whom her father punished by cutting off her hair and recording it. she killed herself when the video ended up on youtube, but the father wasnt in any legal trouble as a result. just saying - seems like emotional child abuse isnt really actionable much.

    if you can prove that the children are yours (biologically or through adoption or however your lawyer can do it), you have legal right to visitation, shared custody, responsibility to pay child support, etc. its not about her, its about you and the kids. kids arent her property, they are humans, citizens of their country, and have various rights, including the right to regularly see both parents, unless the parents are harming them somehow. protecting kids from harm is responsibility of both parents, so if your ex feels you're abusive towards the kids - she has the right and the responsibility to let the authorities know about it. and if you feel your ex is abusive towards the kids - you have the right and the responsibility to let the authorities know about it. its not abusive, its your job as a parent, protecting your kids from harm.

    its much better to resolve visitation/custody/etc issues through mediation, cuz courts can take years and hundreds of thousands of dollars. however, if its not possible - i think your best bet is talking to a lawyer. laws are different from place to place, lawyers know them, and can ask you specific questions about your situation, to see what can be done about it. they can often find stuff to work with where you'd least expect it.

    for you and your kids
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  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (03-14-2017),weepingwillow (03-14-2017)

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