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Thread: How do I cope with screaming VA

  1. #1
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    How do I cope with screaming VA

    I need some advice on how to COPE with verbal abuse. I don't need advice about leaving muy toxic environment, abusive people is abusive, antes they wont ever change. I just need antes advice on how to COPE with ir for some time.

    I work about 13 hours un a row, and IM pursuing a bachelor degree as Well. When i get home i want to relax, or study, but this person keep using all abuses but the last two one list(gaslight and other). I normally dont evento answer, because I know its futile, but this time this person screamed on my ear and i screamed as Well, I didnt mean to, but it was a reflex thing, then things got ugly. When things Like that happens i want to hit or stab the other person, obviously I would never do that, but its how i feel. The thing is that i want to scream ir hit the other person, anda even when i get away, and time passes my hands tremble and igual want to scream ir bote stuff. I want that to stop, I want to leave the violence behind and keep living normally on montiveros violent times. Yo enjoy or make use of that time instead of being shaking. I need to be ok so i can study.

    I cant leave this place because economic reasons. This Year i get my bachelor and Will be able to easily Rent a place just for myself with the money from my Jobs. So I got the solution, for my problem, but it Will take a couple more months.

    I need help coping with the violence, not making it stop, IM confident there IS no solution for that.

    Thanks in advance

  2. #2
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    Hear you. I never did really learn to cope with behaviour like that you describe. Never got use to it even if I did my best not to respond. Go to another room and shut the door helped a little provided I could settle my reactions down. However doing this was no more than a short term solution to an ongoing issue.

    Speaking for myself and only for myself - only thing that worked was to get out of the relationship. Was tough, big adjustment...not to mention emotionally hard to finally admit I had no control and little defence against his verbal and emotional onslaughts. That I had proven to myself over and over that I could not neutralise the negative impact they had on me - not while I shared a house and relationship with him.

    Sorry am not able to provide you with the info you are seeking....given that the only option that worked for me (and I tried lots) was to 'bite the bullet' and leave.

    Mind you with having a plan to leave in the pipe-line may provide you with the motivation to grit your teeth and get through the last few months. Maybe it would help to spend as little time as possible at home study in the library until the lights go out. Stay with friends or if their presence tones his behaviour down invite friends over.

    Hope you get things sorted.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Sunfl0wer (03-10-2017),weepingwillow (03-10-2017)

  4. #3
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    Agree with Jane quite much.

    Once tho, in cetain situations, I just got to agreeing with the person and it deescalated things.
    Like a BF telling me I'm not a good GF, so instead of defending myself, simply agreed to their opinion to keep things not heightened for the time being...as I planned my escape. Yet, that only lasts just so long till they wanna fight again to let off their own steam somehow, so I only think this approach "helped" for weeks, not months.

    Other than that, simply disengaging and making my exit about me.
    So instead of saying, "I gotta leave cause you are making no sense and are annoying me."
    I say, "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. I am going thave to digest what we just talked about and want to hear what else you have to say, tgona have to take a break now to go digest this much."

    Also I learned to not defend oneself against folks who wanna abuse verbally. It is just a way to get you to engage. It only serves to anger them and invalidates their feelings, so no need to do it. Alos, often is the case with abusive type conflict that whatever your defense is actually doesn't matter cause their reality is their feelings, not the facts. And if we know who we are, why we defending ourselves to someone who cares not to see it that way?

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (03-10-2017),weepingwillow (03-10-2017)

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