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Thread: Why do I miss him?

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Why do I miss him?

    Hi, I'm just coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship that I'm just beginning to accept was emotionally abusive and that he exhibits several traits of covert narcissism. I know my mental and emotional state is healthier without him-as it was each of the thousand "breaks" our relationship took- even with the depression ad withdrawal symptoms. The problem is, though I know all this with my head, I still miss him. My heart still hurts. And just when I think I'm getting past it, I slide backwards and end up in tears on the floor. Granted, this was a 15 yr relationship starting when I was really young, not all of it romantic. I know it will take time, but is it normal to climb out and feel like you're getting somewhere, just to suddenly find yourself back where you started at a certain song or a passing thought? How do I separate myself from him emotionally?
    (I know, this is not a forum for professional advice, but I would like to hear others' perspectives and experiences.)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    i relate to what youre saying. not to the "covert narcissim" part, but to the idea of missing a relationship that was bad for you but lasted for many years.

    first, it was a huge part of my life. just by the amount of time spent on it, you know. how many hours a day we interacted, how many activities this person was a part of that im now doing alone, without them, etc. its just a big empty gap till i fill it with something new, and that takes time, doesnt happen overnight.

    second, it was very intimate. i dont mean in an adult sense, i mean emotionally. 15 years is a long time, a big chunk of life. this person knew about me things that nobody else does. he might have been a jerk, but he was the longest and the closest relationship i ever had, you know. i dont have another person in my pocket who knows so much about me, and whom i know so much about. other people are much nicer, but my relationships with them are superficial, cuz i spent most of my time on my relationship with him. they are nice, but they are distant, theres no emotional intimacy happening with them, they are just acquaintances, while he was a long term partner.

    third, im used to our style of interactions, the style we had with him. other people interact differently, they dont abuse each other. i like it, i wanna be like them, i dont wanna continue living in abuse - but im used to abuse, idk how to function without it, sad as it sounds. idk how people argue, how they express love, anger, etc. what they do when they need space, what they do when they wanna be close - idk these things, i spent 15 years in an abusive environment, thats very different from "normal" life. i dont wanna continue it, but i knew how to navigate it, and now that im out of it and among normal friendly people - i feel like an alien, out of place, idk how to navigate this new style of relationships. idk how to trust that if someone is mad at me - they'll tell me about it, that i dont need to guess these things from their body language, speed of their blinking or such, that i dont need to solve any hints or riddles, that everything is out in the open.

    and fourth, abusive relationship is still a relationship, theres still something good in it, no matter how little, even if its just 1%. everyone has something good in them. adolf hitler liked cats and painted landscapes in his spare time, you know. there was a point in time when i loved this person. and there were things i still liked about them even when the relationship turned bad. maybe they cooked amazing chili, or maybe they picked real good movies, or maybe they spoke twenty foreign languages, or who knows what. maybe i just liked our "honemoon" phases, when after reducing me to dirt he felt guilty for a coupla hours and brought me flowers. or no flowers, if he just winked at me - mine winked, and to me it was a sign of closeness and love and connection and forgiveness, sad as it sounds. and so the end of the relationship, no matter how abusive, still involves some sense of loss, even if very small. the loss of those small grains of good that arent worth keeping the relationship as a whole, but that i still miss.

    so yeah, i totally relate to what youre saying
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  3. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (03-08-2017)

  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest
    Yes, to everything you said. I think emotional intimacy is way more difficult to break away from than physical intimacy. When there's so much time spent on the evolution of this relationship, it becomes really deep. I knew more about him than any person on this planet. I could analyze his moods and thoughts about most everything except me. You can't know someone that well and not love them. And yes, trying to adjust to "normal" relationships after that experience is rough. There were so many highs and lows that were emotionally exhausting to go through, but traveling through that kind of intensity with someone bonds you in a way that, even though you can feel how damaging it is, you crave it. And trying to enter a normal, healthy dynamic can seem anti-climatic in a sense...the state of peace after the chaos can be unsettling in itself.

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