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Thread: Not exactly sure where I belong

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Not exactly sure where I belong

    I am at a loss here regarding where to go with this stuff, or should I just continue to keep it to myself and I really in need of interaction with other humans. Here is a little glimpse into my situation and what makes me, well, me.

    I've been totally disabled since September 27, 1999 (crushed by over 300 pounds) which has now progressed to bedridden for everything except doctors appointments, using the bathroom, and sometimes even lucky to get a real bath. My spouse is completely emotionally detached and mean towards me. He has no feelings about anyone else, only that which directly affects himself. He uses lies to get or do what he wants. i still don't know the whole truth. He can put on the best act out in public, but when the door is closed, and the blinds turned down, all hell breaks loose. It is horrible living in my raggedy shoes, and I wish I would have seen it before the wedding (hindsight is 20/20 for sure). The abuse began that same night, twelve years ago.

    There are several, clearly abusive tactics he employs, and adult protective services workers see the same things I do. My family has never included me as a sibling because my mother controlled all of us and I was elected scapegoat, and my dad (a lifesaver) is no longer alive so nothing there. I am not ready to live in a nursing home and that, in itself, is a very threatening place for me because I suffer from extreme social anxiety and I cherish the privacy and sanctuary I have here in my room. I have been married over a decade but since last November, (U.S. elections) things have gotten so bad that I find myself at a loss for the tricks I used to manage it in the past. I grew up with an abusive mother but, back then there was no such thing as abuse and certainly not recognized as such; husbands owned their wife and couples owned their children. My dad noticed how bad things were with my mother when I was 12, and he began taking me with him everywhere to keep me out of my mom's space which helped me keep my sanity, and I learned valuable lessons about love and family. The abuse from my mother has not stopped or changed much in my 60 years on this planet so it probably never will. I don't feel the need to cut ties since I recognize that for what it is and believe that since she is my mother, I do owe her my respect. I could never do anything that would disgrace her even though she'd never hold back anything she could do or say that would disenfranchise or degrade me.

    I (stupidly, despite some vague misgivings) married someone exactly like my mother, and I don't really know why I did not see those huge red flags (be better if it were a baseball bat, maybe). I had accepted that fact after a year of marriage and decided to do my best to ignore it (requested couples counseling, tried talking about it, all to no avail) and not let it get under my skin. I had been fairly successful until he took away my car (law enforcement informed me that without an argument or fight it was not abuse, huh? I refuse to start an argument but used to defend myself, now I just crumple), got fired from two very good jobs, lost the house to foreclosure, ruined/damaged/thrown away everything I owned but a minimal amount of stuff, etc. He has alienated both of his kids, so they've never even come to visit since they turned 18 (four and five years ago). One step-son calls me from time to time but I sense that he is nearly a spitting image (character) of his dad, which I am sure is one of the reasons for his divorce after just over one year of marriage.

    Since November, my husband's cruelty has been very prominent and so much more mean than ever, and I believe I know what has brought this on---he believes he is justified hurting women (who are expendable and inferior) and believe he is very much supported by recent events/changes in leadership. He hears me call for help if I fall or need something but just lays in my lift recliner and ignores me (I know he hears me because he responds by subjecting me to vulgar name-calling that he thinks I cannot hear). No matter what, he will not check on me or visit with me to see how I am. If we are watching TV together, he will ignore me even during commercials. The average amount of time we interact is usually less than two hours or a whopping eight hours a month. I am now being given meals using spoiled food several times a week rather than just occasionally. I certainly cannot eat that, so I am left going without because he will not bring me anything else. A few months ago I suffered food poisoning and went through three, really long and horrible days being violently ill. I certainly never want to go through that again---this was the third time I've gotten food poisoning in the last five years. In all my life before we married, I suffered food poisoning once after we were not allowed to drive anywhere due to stormy, dangerous weather. The power had been going off and on all night, and I inadvertently ate something that had turned. If he is going to pick up take-out for meals, he invariably makes sure that I will not get what I ordered. He neglects to mention not to add the specific toppings or foods to which I am allergic and blames it on the restaurant staff being stupid---he will not request a special accommodation as it embarrasses him or he may say it so quietly that nobody can hear, you have to be able to read lips. He takes no responsibility for checking the order---again I have to go hungry or suffer---the boys always said they ate what he served only to avoid starvation (how sad). He makes a minimum of two trips to the store for every meal he cooks here, and if I request something, he picks it up and then eats it, so I don't get any.

    We have lost hundreds of dollars because he does not look at what he is buying or what I asked for--he cannot keep a dollar in his pocket without spending it. We have been stiffed for thousands of dollars when he fell victim to an email scam in spite of my warning, during the 3 1/2 years he refused to work and managed to divert my disability income to his pockets making me lose critical medical care. He has slashed, thrown, beat on property that was my personal property defined by the law. He claims that everything here he owns, but I own nothing and that includes my purse. Wonder if he wears my clothes when I am not looking. Much of my clothing,(underwear, socks, etc. is stuck outside in the shed where I cannot access it.

    Leaving is not a viable option for me since I just need help around the house and for meals. (I have begun keeping a daily journal regarding events for the last few years--in hopes that if I am ever able to leave, they will act as evidence of marital breakdown.) My sheets were last changed 24 Feb 2016, (very typical). I would die getting stuck in a nursing home at my age just because I need a bit of help at home, which is not even medically related. I am stranded here alone, besides the animals, most of the time. He usually comes home to watch TV, play computer games, sleep, and eat. For example, last night I hollered, texted, rang my bell, and called for him to come have a visit and finally managed to get 1m 15s, (I began timing this with a lap timer recently after being called a liar regarding how much time I really spend alone) out of the 6 hours between him getting home from work and bedtime. I was called his favorite vulgar name 15 times (the C word). When he went to bed, he had not even bothered to take the dogs outdoors, which made them cry and clawing at me to go out, I cannot do it, my wheelchair does not have room to get to the back door which is where their leashes are. I texted him (more than an hour before his usual bedtime) to inform him that the dogs were crying to go out at their regular time, (he decided to go to bed way early, I'm sure, just to avoid talking to me). He is not scheduled to work today, but he is not home or anywhere I can see, the car is gone too so I am again abandoned with no way to get help. We moved to this area four years ago, but because I am bedridden, I don't know anyone around here. I believe that him taking my car away was his way to further isolate me. I cannot do anything but lay here until he decides to come home. I have no clue where he is today; he said nothing to me which is the norm. I am just expected to accept it. I am not allowed to express opinions, needs, wants, feelings, or want socializing and he is the dictator, so I'd better just accept it.

    It's been over a month since I have had a conversation with a human and the last one was with my oncologist regarding my health. The conversations I have with the dogs and my cat are not always suitable for stimulating or exercising my mind, "Puppy want a cookie?" just does not cut it anymore!

    I fear that I am subject to turning into a very angry person and I dread that. I prefer loving babies, kittens, pretty things, and kind words that melt my heart.

    Now, let's see if I can hit the "Submit New Thread" button or if I will just delete all I wrote because my self-confidence and identity is entirely erased.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,195
    hi guest,

    i very much hear where youre coming from, its a very unfortunate situation when you're stuck without help while unable to care for yourself. we're an anonymous peer group and naturally cant offer referrals or legal advice. however, your local social services (adult protective services, ssa, nami, etc) should be able to assist with all of these things. they need to assign you a caseworker, and that caseworker needs to sit down with you, and sort through all of these things one by one.

    if i understood you correctly, your husband is under no legal obligation to cook your meals or change your bedsheets, but that doesnt mean you just gotta stay hungry and miserable, these things can be arranged. just how to arrange them depends on your local laws and programs available, you need to talk to someone local. for example, youre saying that your husband lost your house - so im assuming youre renting. youre also saying he didnt work for three years - so im assuming your disability income was enough to cover rent and food for both of you. if thats the case - maybe you could just rent your own place and have a home aid come to you to cook, clean, take you outside, etc. these things might be covered by your health insurance, thats the arrangement my dad had before he passed away, and all he had was medicare. alternatively, if you wanna stay with your husband but have him care for you - maybe that can be arranged officially, so that he becomes legally responsible for doing it (say, in exchange for rent-free living or some such), and gets in trouble if he neglects his responsibilities.

    in many jurisdictions there are daytime programs for seniors you can go to (sometimes they might even pick you up at home and drop you off), they provide free meals, offer activities, and mainly serve as a social connection to other people so you dont feel as isolated.

    some areas have volunteers from various organizations (churches, for example) that would come to your home and help out, or take you outside, or just spend some time with you.

    the police cant help you with your car because one spouse taking another spouse's car is not a crime unless theres a domestic disturbance. however, there are other ways to make sure your car stays yours - social services can help you figure out how to do that too. maybe you can just change the lock on it, if its still in your name.

    him yelling and cursing at you and calling you names is technically domestic abuse - he probably wont get arrested for it (and i understand you dont want him arrested cuz he's your sole careprovider at the moment), but you can have a police report filed just to document what happened, and the police officers would explain to him that what hes doing isnt ok.

    for you, i hope things work out and you get the help you need...
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  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Catalyst4Change (02-17-2017),Jane (02-17-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    20,268
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    Hi hear how hard it is for you. In my country we have a very active elder care advocacy organisation. They have the resources to advocate for the elderly both in individual situations like the one you describe and as a group...idk if it would be worth ringing your local library or volunteer services agency to see if something similar exists in your area. They are not the sort of organisation that will come in with all 'guns blazing'...but will be able to provide you with details of services that are available for people in your situation. Offer you support as you consider your options. As Manya says no one can force your partner to provide you with the care you need, however you do have an entitlement to look at what is available and make some sort of alternative arrangements to help to maintain your dignity and sense of well-being if he chooses or feels unable to do so. Imo getting older does not in any way lessen your right to make decisions about your own life...finances and such.

    Of course if how you are being treated by your husband/your inability to self care is causing you to suffer severe neglect or health issues...you could consider involving the law...a big step I know...one that only you have the information you need to decide on. Not always easy like when does being denied choice about meals and sheet changes become an 'action needs to be taken' rather than a 'I'd prefer it otherwise' issue?

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (02-17-2017)

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