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Thread: I had to run

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    I had to run

    I have been married to my husband for almost two years; we are about to celebrate our second anniversary in April. Unfortunately, I finally realized last week that he has been abusive physically on occasion and nearly daily verbally/emotionally abusive almost from the day we were married. I truly didn't see it until I stumbled across someone else's post on Facebook and realized that nearly all the indicators of abuse were present in my marriage. I am in shock; I got myself and my cat out of our home last night because I felt unsafe with his behavior. Today I kept an appointment with his therapist and barely touched on the abuse. He immediately had me call a hotline and they told me my options were to have him arrested or to get out of town immediately. I had to borrow a friend's car, and all I have is my cat, the clothes on my back, my wallet, phone and computer, and $80 but I am safe at my parents. I am so utterly horrified; I know part of this is caused by an underdiagnosed mental illness and poor medication, but I am frightened of my own husband, who I should be able to trust with my life. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the aftermath, whether it's possible for abusive behavior to truly be eradicated or not, or any suggestions at all, I am all ears. Thank you for listening to me.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    USA
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    113
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    Hi there & welcome to Fort. I'm so sorry you're here because that means you've been abused like the rest of us. The good news is that this is an amazing place full of great people who are non-judgemental & wise.

    We're not supposed to give advice per se, but we can tell you about our own thoughts, experiences & healing journey. I've got several posts in the member forums on the topic of DV if you decide to register.

    I think it's great that you were able to identify your situation as being serious & took the steps to leave asap. That's the first step toward healing. I'm in a similar situation except I have a small child with my husband & am waiting for our divorce to finalize.

    It's hard for me to know what to share with you without knowing more about your husband & situation. It can be overwhelming to hear the harsh reality of the after affects of abuse when you're still in shock.

    I can say that it's not common for abusers to change though it is possible. The judge who granted my restraining order told me not to accept him back for any reason until (unless) he had already done the work to change & had proven himself for an extended period of time. I feel that's useful advice since the nature of marriage is sticking it out, giving chances, etc.

    Did you take the cat because he/she is your companion or because you feared your H might hurt him/her?

    I read a great book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft when I was at the point it sounds like you are. I'm also a fan of Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse.

    My H has ADD. He changed meds not too long before we got married. I think the change in him happened around the same time & I spent a year and a half of the marriage driving myself mad trying to figure out why he was doing what he was doing. It was wasted energy because it made no sense to me & still doesn't. I will say if I can make a suggestion, that you would probably benefit from working with a local women's shelter to make a more permanent plan if that's what you're wanting to do. Not all of them are great, but many are. They get what you're going through & they're usually pretty gentle with survivors. You can learn about your options for a restraining order, counseling, safety planning or even how to move forward with your life.

    I'm sure your head is spinning so I'll leave you with this:

    You are not to blame no matter what he's said
    You deserve to be treated with respect
    You're not crazy
    You are strong
    There is hope for an abuse free life no matter the situation

    I wish you continued strength for your journey. There are some great posts in the DV folder here. Keep us posted if you feel comfortable.
    I Am
    A Voracious Reader, Buoyant Dreamer,
    A Peace Keeper, Truth Seeker,
    A Cupcake Baker, Memory Maker,
    A Music Lover, Protective Mother

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