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Thread: In a sticky unsure situation

  1. #1
    Mommyof3 Guest

    In a sticky unsure situation

    Hey there I've been on in off with my boyfriend for 7 years we have 3 kids together. OK we have split up 3 times 1st off yes I've cheated not sexualy the 1st couple times just basicly sexting other men I like when they call me beautiful and say I'd have sex with you. Mainly because I feel ugly I feel worthless because of my bf. He's called me names over the past yrs after are 1st kid, like dumb, retarded, usless, slut, pathetic mother, I don't do anything, (I'm a stay at home mom) so everything u can imagine I have had things thrown at me when my daughter accidentally fell down 2-3 stars and started to cry my sister was there and told me after it happend to me she was scared but it was normal for me ,he ran down stairs grabbed my hair and yelled in my face why did u let this happen??? Mind u my daughter was perfectly fine. All the other times we ether arguing about something or when he caught me talking to other guys. I eventually stopped talking to them all left came back he was better but I could go out have friends. I only talk to my sister now or friends on fb but he reads everything. I pay child support for my oldest daughter and he helps pay it he pays all the bills and rent and has the only job I feel trapped I feel I have no way out cause I depend on him . I don't wanna make my kids sad all 3 times I've came back cause he Cry's and begs says he will kill himself without me. Now every time I say it he says I don't give a *** get stepping I don't care about you or your kids his kids. When we fight and I tell him to be quiet he tells me its his ***ing house I can yell if I want I plead the baby is sleeping he says omg the baby again I don't care I will be loud if I want to be. I feel I have no way out. No family except my sister. I feel worthless I'm sad depressed all the time I try so hard but I'm still the price of *** for all my mistakes. I just need answers suggestions he clames he doesn't abuse me that its all me who's crazy.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Idk from the way you describe it your relationship sounds to be based on a lot of aggro. Thing I would be asking myself 'is it what I am happy with...what I planned'.

    I continued to stay in a relationship that did not bring out much good in either me or my partner. Rather than facing up to the options I had to improve my life I told myself and got to the point of believing that I was powerless...was trapped.

    Thing that helped me was to contact my local dv shelter...telling them my story was like I was hearing (taking it seriously) for the first time. Was a bit of a wakeup call especially when the counselor asked me why I was choosing to stay in such an unhealthy situation and I revealed (to my ears) the pretty flimsy reasons for this decision. Was the jolt I needed to see my situation with clarity to accept that I was the only one who could rescue me - that life had more to offer me and my child than drama and chaos.

    Initial period after I left was hard...lots of change to adjust to. However with work and time like many before me I survived - and got back on track with my life.

    Hope what I have shared helps. That you find your own way forward.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 5 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Catalyst4Change (02-10-2017),eagle22 (02-10-2017),Manya (02-10-2017),Sunfl0wer (02-10-2017),weepingwillow (02-10-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    May 2016
    I just need answers suggestions he clames he doesn't abuse me that its all me who's crazy.
    I really haven't heard many admit, (or have inisght to see they are) without intervention, that they are abusive. So I'm not sure how much it matters that a person will call themself abusive. Often in DV, the abuse goes both ways (the "relationship" is abusive) to an extent, and that still doesn't mean it is ok or not ok for a person to remain in this type of relationship. Like, I'm just saying that one need not declare one an abuser and another a vicitim to be ok getting out or getting help. You can do like Jane said, call, get help, and just adding that you do not have to decide nor have anyone agree that either one of you is the aggressor of it.
    (Not sure I said that well)

    I had a relationship that felt abusive, there was no one hitting anyone, and I couldn't figure out why it felt that way. Well, turns out, looking back, I now see covert abuse happening. I felt like it was abusive 'cause I was feeling the cycles of It, honeymoon phase => then building up of a slow cold anger => then a blow up again. So yea, this felt pretty harmful.
    Just saying this cause I often wanted "proof" to me that things "were bad enough" in the way of him admitting something, or being left a bruise that didn't heal fast. Yet, there are lots of various dynamics one may feel is harmful, not working for them, (helping one not feel vaulable) and really, I now know I don't need a borken rib to feel something ain't working for me...but that wasn't the case when with my H as I felt so hopeless and worthless.

  5. The following 5 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Catalyst4Change (02-10-2017),eagle22 (02-10-2017),Jane (02-10-2017),Manya (02-10-2017),weepingwillow (02-10-2017)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Prayers & hugs welcome
    Unfortunately, this is a situation I've experienced for a large chunk of my life in one way or another. Even so, I can only share what helped me or insight I've gained from my own journey in the hopes that something clicks for you & helps you on yours.

    I grew up in a DV situation with an abusive stepfather. My mother was surely not abusive back in any manner, however she did exhibit learned helplessness which is common in survivors. I vowed never to stay with an aggressive or cruel partner even for a moment. I didn't the two times over a span of a decade that I encountered one. Then, many years later after many years of therapy, I met a man who truly seemed like the kind, stable partner I deserved. Fast forward to after we're married & I'm pregnant & a stay at home mom with my older child. Guess what happened? Yep, he became aggressive, yelling at me for hours, putting me down, reminding me he owned everything & I had no way out.

    Did I leave the moment he started this? No. I didn't. Why? Because in addition to being pregnant, my religion & culture (deeply Southern US roots) said I needed to essentially love him into being a decent person. I was told time & time again to be thankful my older child had a good father figure & to change my own behavior since I must be doing something to cause this. This is why I bristle at "victim blaming." And don't even get me started on our permissive culture & lack of societal accountability for this insidious behavior.

    Things continued to escalate & all of a sudden I found myself across a large country from my family & friends, in bed with a back injury from the youngest's delivery, caring for that baby who had some very involved health needs & emotionally weak from all of it. Then my oldest began to notice, my partner began his tirades in front of the baby & got physical with me. I asked him to move out & I began to reach out for help only to realize he had been financially abusive to the extent that I had no leg to stand on if I wanted to leave. He also came back to "his" house whenever he pleased. Everyone I thought would surely stand up to him, didn't. People don't want to face something this ugly.

    There is a happyish ending here. It started the moment I shook off my paralyzing fear & forced myself forward to keep the promise I made to myself as a child. My children won't grow up as I did & I won't be my mother. I love my mother dearly, but there is no need to repeat her mistakes.

    I now attend therapy & a support group for survivors of DV. I have a restraining order & am in the process of a divorce. When I feel weak, I look at my daughter & realize that she is better off in a small dumpy apartment with little possessions that is safe & full of love than witnessing her father treat her mother like trash. Keep in mind DV is often a generational cycle. Children can & do heal with one stable loving parent & appropriate support services such as therapy, IF you leave. This has to come in your time, when you are ready. Anything you can do to build your self esteem in a healthy manner with help you gather the strength for this. I get stronger every day. My health has almost magically improved because the life was literally sucked from me when he was still here.

    The things you mention him doing such as threatening suicide if you leave, using you wanting to protect the children as a control method, etc. are classic abuser moves. Batterers, abusers, controlling, angry or violent men-it doesn't matter what they're called-rarely change. You are probably not the exception to this rule. Things probably won't get better, but you will get either weaker or stronger-you decide.

    I want to leave a few resources here for you:
    Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men and The Batterer As Parent both by Lundy Bancroft. http://lundybancroft.com/
    Any of the Boundaries books by Dr. John Townsend & Dr. Henry Cloud. http://www.boundariesbooks.com/

    Your local DV hotline or shelter-They can help you plan to leave safely if that's something you're ready for and they can help you sort this mess out no matter how weak you feel or how bad things are. Please be safe & trust your instincts-you know better than anyone else what is & is not safe for you. This site has a listing of national hotlines & other resources. You said he reads everything so please be aware he can see your web browsing history.

    You are responsible for your behavior & that's something you'll hopefully learn to address in time, however, you are not what he says you are and you don't ever "deserve" to be treated this way. I hope you're encouraged by my journey thus far. I believe any effort put forth for children is well worth it. This site is painful evidence of what happens when children aren't protected.

    One more word of caution from my own learned lessons-Men such as ours often use the same information you gain to understand the abuse against you by becoming even more savvy. I found out the hard way as I originally tried to get my husband help. A responsible therapist won't see a couple together when there is abuse because of this. I can't tell you what to do, but my main regret was ever sharing anything I learned or thought with him. He used every single good hearted thing I did or said against me. He went as far as to befriend my past abusers, present fake photos of injuries in court claiming I attacked him, etc. The books listed above were life changing for me.

    I wish you courage, strength & peace in your journey. Please keep us posted.

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to Catalyst4Change for this useful post:

    Jane (02-10-2017),Sunfl0wer (02-10-2017)

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