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Thread: I am so confused....need help

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    I am so confused....need help

    I and my ex are 50 years old and have been in a long term relationship for 3 1/2 years.
    We were soul mates and perfect and so in love but gradually he became abusive and finally even sought some help for a time when I moved out.
    I moved back in and we were engaged on our 2 year anniversary. Everything was wonderful and then it started again.
    We went to a church class and he even started to go to some anger management classes when I again moved out and broke the engagement.
    However, he felt that his real problem was alcohol and quit drinking and been sober about 8 months. But, he quit AA and is not going thru the recovery process. Then he no longer wanted to go for help regarding the verbal abuse either. "Dry Drunk"?
    It is hard for me now looking back to know if he really is a narcissist and wants to be abusive or the man that I have seen so broken over his failures and hurt he put me thru over and over again. But, without real help we never were able to get to the bottom of it.
    In my reading it has occurred to me that his mother being distant and emotional unavailable to him when little, she was only 15 hwne she had him, can cause a boy to not express emotions and also the fact that his father is emotionally detached and Greg always thought of him as weak and never wanted to be like him.
    But, so many of us have issues. Heck my mother committe suicide when I was 8 and was abusive to me prior to that. My dad is in a cult and will not speak to me but instead of anger I just have more empathy and desire for peace and love for all.
    He kissed me and promised me at his family's on Christmas Eve, our 4th Christmas together that he loved me and was going to be fixed and that we would grow old together.
    Then 3 days later he broke off cold and any little contact by phone was generally cruel. I did see him twice and we were able to be civil and I can see he is feeling but I am not sure what???? I have been no contact for almost 2 weeks.
    But he put that he is in a relationship with someone since Jan 7th on Facebook earlier this week. They live 2 hours apart and I know he literally met her online and went to see her about a week after our break up.
    Do you see this as a rebound? Is there any chance that with all of this that we could reconcile and if so what steps should be involved. I feel he is just fearing the internal work that he would have to go through and at this age.
    Can he actually forget me or is he trying to skip the grieving process, trying to find love anywhere he can get it or what. He did say in a text a few weeks ago that even if a new person see's his faults at least he will not be so emotionally vested. Is this the reason for the distance maybe? What about the poor woman that has no clue what his inner demons and struggles and needs are? Not fair to her either.
    He sent me a poem right before he left saying he knew he had crushed, bruised and kicked my soul and that I deserve more than apologies but to have him shield the darkness away from me into the light. His marriage before me was with a woman for 18 years that I am good friends with her mother. She was extremely abusive to him and donít know now if they were abusive to each other or what? Her mother and he both said that she was nuts and even hit him over the head with a ball bat and stabbed him with a fork. I donít know how much was learned and he is still suffering or what. I am nothing like her and everyone says I am like an angel that was sent to him however, over time the verbal abuse got bad and now many have chose to side with him. I am just so clueless as to what is really happening here and miss him so much but also donít know if I should. And why would he suddenly break it off cold, say he wants no help and go to another woman just a few days later? He was not having a affair this I know. He got online and found her immediately and went to her house that weekend. She lives 2 hours from him and it all just seems crazy?!!!!!

    I also realize he may suffer from BPD or NPD but so often in poems and letters and even face to face I have seen him break down so ashamed and mad at himself. Often said he blames himself and is depressed. The times he did actually work with a book or counselor he really began to make changes and I was hopeful but it seems that when it got to the point of doing the inner self work, which is painful but we all have to do it at times, he would just stop and go right back to being emotionally abusive. Blaming, gaslighting, never letting me talk and always interuppting, not allowing fair and balanced communication, flying into a rage or fit, degrading me, unempathetic and always same old story about what his ex wife and parents did to him.
    Will he do the same to her? He fell for me right away too and did the same with her. Will it last? Is it real? Can he really forget me and all we have been through overnight?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Can understand your feels of being on an emotional roller-coaster. Thing I finally acknowledge and admitted to myself about my ex was that he was a master at presenting excuses for his behaviour...did this in several ways, acting the victim - playing the 'tough childhood' and other victim cards and by showering me with remorse and 'heart felt promises of change. Took me a long time to realise that both these things did not come from any self-motivated desire to change or take responsibility - were just another of his ploys to keep me emotionally trapped...deflect me from the real issue that he was not treating me as he should - in the end I stopped listening to his promises and excuses...looked at his behaviour solely based on his actions.

    Reality is that no matter how tough some one's life has been or still is it does not give them permission to take their angst out on others. Think his decision to opt out of the classes/therapy that may have helped him - shows his lack of a true commitment to you and your relationship.

    Can't tell you what to do. Can tell you that what helped me was to be brutally honest with myself to (with the help of a therapist) look at his behaviour, accept that how he was, was almost certainly how he was going to stay. Then based on this reality decide if I was happy to continue live with a man who treated me as he did created distress and chaos in my life...or if I wanted more. In the end I chose the latter. Was hard to give up my dreams (fantasy! ) of a happy ever after with a man, who despite everything, I still loved however like many before me I gradually came to terms with my grief and disappointment and moved on.

    I hope what I have shared helps you to feel less alone...to decide on your best way forward.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (02-05-2017),Skishybear (02-05-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    i agree with jane, but got an alternative thought too:

    hes not a kid, hes a grown man. the idea of changing my entire personality, rebuilding myself from scratch - its a big project. am i really so bad in every way imaginable that i need to scrap it all and start over at 50? and - mainly - why is this my partners decision rather than mine? my inner demons, childhood grudges, mental health status, etc - are my issues, im the one whos gonna decide how to address them, if at all.

    our interpersonal conflict is much more narrow and simple. you dont like me raising my voice, or forgetting to ask how your day was, or making negative remarks about your intelligence level, or idk what else is the problem. you talk of problems you believe he has or might have, and barely mention just what is it that bothers you in the relationship: what is it that he does that you dont like and want him to stop doing or to do differently? would you be ok with the relationship if he stopped doing these things to you, without going to AA?

    if my partner is unhappy with how i treat them, i hope they'll tell me about it, and i'll take it from there: i might attempt to fix it, or i might choose to leave things as they are and accept consequences (i.e. my partner leaving me cuz they find me intolerable). but i believe it must be my decision, whether to fix the problem or not, and how if so. idk, i personally dont like AA. i dont think it makes me a bad person, or not interested in bettering myself, or unwilling to repair our relationship, any other such. it just means i dont like AA, same way some people dont like CBT, psychoanalysis, or nude therapy (yes it exists lol). a dog can learn to ride a bicycle - surely a 50yo man can figure out how not to yell/cuss/etc, even without sorting through all of his childhood issues. its a matter of choosing to do it...

    im not saying therapy/support groups/self-help literature/etc is unnecessary for abuse survivors, not at all. many of us spend years and thousands of dollars on these activities - but thats cuz we wanna do it. we believe our lives could be made better and are unsure how to go about it, so we get help. seems like your partner feels that finding a different woman is a simpler solution than digging through his personal issues.

    i very honestly am not trying to be cold and rejecting and such, i understand youre looking for support, and i hope you find it. just helps me sometimes to put myself in my partners shoes. there just doesnt seem to be a way for him to maintain this relationship without allowing you to dig through his personal stuff, and he doesnt wanna do that...

    for you
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  5. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (02-05-2017)

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