+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: When friends don't know how to be...

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    When friends don't know how to be...

    When I was 14 I was raped, and my "best friend" told me I deserved it and continued to hang out with the group of people involved. When I was 15-18 I was in an abusive relationship, which he ended a few months after I went to Uni by leaving me by myself at a bar on New Years eve - claimed to go to the loo and went to spend the rest of the evening at the house of a woman he'd been seeing while I was away. I turned to drink at uni and eventually took an overdose in my final year. After that I realised I needed to talk, so I spoke to my school friends about what had happened. They didn't seem to comprehend the gravity of it - I needed someone to get angry on my behalf but noone did. Then when I moved back home I learned they were still hanging out with my ex, and just expected me to do the same. I wrote to each of them explaining that I couldn't understand it and that it was destroying me to keep seeing them knowing they thought that was right. It was a small town and eventually I felt I had to leave it.
    So now I live somewhere else, I have a family, but no friends - I often have people who I think are my friends but then they stop inviting me places and blank me in the street. I've just been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder. And I'm so lonely. I can't connect with anyone, and people always say "it's not your fault, it's theirs, move on and find people who deserve your friendship" but I always end up back at square one. It must be me, all this time it must always have been me, but I can't be anyone else. And now I just learned that those people are all still friends with the people that hurt me, even at 36 they haven't realised that I was worth more. I can't convince myself that that can possibly be true. Can anyone explain it? Or how to break the cycle? 😕

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,193
    i hear what youre saying, and really am saddened by your story. wish things were different.

    i think youre raising an important topic here. cuz rape is a violent felony, you know, a serious crime, like armed robbery or murder or such, its a big deal. most people would have reservations about hanging out with a serial killer - no judgment either way, just seems to be the common trend. and rape, while also a violent felony, is often perceived differently. cuz a serial killer either keeps it a secret and appears to be an innocent citizen - or gets arrested and sent to prison. they dont walk around and hang out with friends, as if nothing was the matter, you know. and rapists sometimes do. like yours seems to be doing. so i guess maybe to your friends it doesnt look like "omg hes a violent criminal, i gotta stay away from him" but more like "meh, they had some relationship fallout with this girl years ago, life happens, who knows, water under the bridge" etc. cuz they figure if it were something serious, he woulda been arrested and sent to prison for it. rape is hard to prosecute - many victims dont report it, or report it days/weeks later, when theres virtually no evidence left, or it can be hard to prove lack of consent, etc, etc, etc, many reasons. but yeah, this results in situations like youre describing, when youre expected to hang out with your rapist as if everything were cool. which is of course impossible and very unfair.

    im not on autism spectrum myself, but got a few friends who are - and totally hear you about how hard it is to make and keep friends. cuz communication is a little different. i personally like it, i think its kinda cool to just drop all context and take everything at face value - but i totally see why my aspie friends have trouble maintaining social connections, friendships, romantic relationships, etc. its a different communication style, affects relationships.

    for you, i hope things work out
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  3. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (02-02-2017),theredmarker (02-06-2017),weepingwillow (02-02-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    20,262
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Think this is a real important conversation. Have always struggle with how sexual crimes which on the legal statute books are given as much gravitis as equal crimes ie severe physical assaults are, when it comes to the public arena, frequently brushed over, or even worst made light of...those subjected to them not given the support they need.

    Has been a spate of incidents recently where out of control youth have posted recordings of them sexually attacking another person. Idk seems like they feel proud of and expect to get kudos for their cowardly criminality. Also saddens me when the police take action and bring these cases to court...the defence lawyers invariably plead a defence of youthful high spirits or victim provocation...a defence that would just not fly in a non-sex crime situation idk a home invasion.

    I (and I am sure most right-minded people) would not take your recent experience lightly...and like manya would believe that you have every reason to feel traumatised...to deserve sympathy and support.

    Just a thought do they have services available for rape victims in your area? Access to trained people who have the knowledge and expertise to listen and help you heal...to not subject you to ill-informed and insensitive opinions. Another option if you are interested is to click on the help tab in the header - scan through details of the support agencies listed there.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 4 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    kittenlover (02-03-2017),Manya (02-03-2017),theredmarker (02-06-2017),weepingwillow (02-04-2017)

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •