Emotional abuse

[steve57]

Hi everyone - I found this forum when i googled "taking emotional abuse seriously" - I found a link to a post that has been archived, so it seems I can't add to that thread. (I will put the link below) - So I decided to start a new one.

I have been running an online support group for emotionally abused teens for a long time. Recently a teen wrote me for help and to make a long story short, it became clear her school counselor was not taking the emotional abuse she is receiving seriously. The source of the abuse is the mother in this case. Instead of really helping the student, the counselor basically defended, excused and justified the mother's behavior while telling the teen to just deal with it.

This teen is at a high risk of suicide already so I am very concerned and at least wanted to tell as many people as I can that emotional abuse can definitely lead to depression, self harm and suicide among youth, if not adults.

Thanks for reading

Steve

PS here is the link I mentioned

http://www.fortrefuge.com/forum/show...buse-seriously

[Jane]

Hi Steve welcome. Glad you have stepped in.

Could not agree more that emotional abuse can (and does) have a devastating effect on those who experience it. That emotional attacks can negatively impact on their target as much as physical ones.

We work hard here to not rank different types of abuse...to not give the erroneous message that this type is worse/more serious/damaging that that one. Know the courts use these sorts of scales but is not our way - round here we support the position that any type of abuse has an equal ability to negatively impact on a person's life...traumatise them.

Hear the important work you are doing helping teens to cope and deal with their issues and absolutely accept that this experience gives you first-hand knowledge about the trauma emotional (often hidden) abuse can cause this group. How it can impact on their sense of themselves and well being, lead them to find relief in anyway they can.

Just a clarification - the thread you linked to was not archived because we do not think that discussions on emotional abuse have a place here (have folders for discussions on this important subject and resources on it in the library). Rather was archived because it related to an ongoing consensual relationship - albeit an unhealthy one. As identified in our intro pages we are not equipped to deal with these (though do provide links to agencies that are). Our purpose is to provide a platform for those (16 years and older) who have moved into the next stage of their journey...who are no longer being abused...stable and safe enough to be able to focus on their healing.

Thanks for your contribution

[steve57]

Thank you Jane for your comment and explaining why that post was archived.

[Julie-Myriam]

It's very true and it's incredibly frustrating. I told someone that I was abused, and she immediately thought I was a victim of incest. I'm afraid to correct her and say that the abuse was emotional/financial/psychological/spiritual because I'm afraid of not being taken seriously.

And while it's illegal in many jurisdictions to physically or sexually abuse, an abuser can scream, swear, berate, and ridicule all s/he wants without legal trouble.

It sucks.

[Manya]

i hear you julie-myriam. children who are emotionally abused are sometimes removed from their parents custody, temporary or permanently. if temporary, parents are required to take parenting classes, anger management classes, etc, and the case is followed up. of course the system is imperfect, some cases fall through the cracks, etc. just wanted to mention that criminal proceedings arent the only way around, family services are independent of that. sometimes law enforcement finds no crime, but family services find abuse/mistreatment, in the same situation. particularly with children and elderly. for example, there was a scandal a coupla months ago with this youtuber who liked to "prank" their kids; it seemed innocent at first, but over the time "pranks" got more and more cruel and targeted only one of the children. while the person wasnt charged with any crime, child protective services stepped in and removed two of the children from the household.

[Jane]

Hear you Julie-Myriam...

In my country there is some protection for kids cases (like the one Manya talks about) whose parents for whatever reason are not able to provide them with the necessities of life, food, protection, warmth, shelter and stuff. The effectiveness of what is in place is of course pretty much dependent on someone reporting their concerns to the appropriate authorities...something that does not always happen.

Cases involving legal intervention to prosecute offenders and protect the rights of adults seems to be mainly limited to cases involving the elderly and cognitively challenged. Have not read of a case here where a competent adult has sought legal redress for emotional abuse (which suggests this is not an option). Has been the odd civil case where a person has sued to recover money from their estranged partner.

Gotta say though that emotial abuse is increasingly being recognised as not ok at a social level...with national and local voluntary services being fairly well advertised and used. Still some way to go though with getting the message out that any form of abuse is not ok.

[Unregistered]

I need help i have a husband that lives in usa and i live in phillipines pleasee someone help me im being threat to my husband and i cant do nothing because im not in usa to call 911 hes been telling me hes going to ruin my life and post and embarass me to my family because he has a nude picture of me i trusted him love him with all my heart but this is too much i need help hes starting adding my family my family friends and talking to them but hes threatening me hes going to tell everyhing and send my pictures. I dont know how to stop him all i can do is crying everyday he has disability which i just find out when were getting married i find out to his mother that come with him in our wedding i accepted him ! I didnt know hes really mean and very abusive when were living here in phillipines he hit me he grab my neck and i was so scared hes really scared me then when he go back to usa i jus find out he cheated on me by bringing a girl by his house i cant take it anymore i seriously need help i need a police to scared him and threat him if he didnt delete all things bad to me in social media hes going to jail. I just want him to stop thats all i dont want him to put in jail or anything i want us to get divorce quietly and let our seperate ways thats all i want. I tried my best for 2years being long distance to understand him but i cant its hard it was very scary and emotional abuse i cant take it anymore. I just want him to stop pleaseeeee someone help me

[Jane]

Hi I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position...in most countries threatening to post others nude pics on the internet without their permission is considered to be part of the crime of cyberbully - if proven could result in legal penalties - things well may be the same in your country. I looked on-line and see your country has an agency that focuses on providing support and advice for women in situations like the one you decribe. Here is a link to their webpage which contains details of how to contact them - office locations and phone numbers and email http://www.pcw.gov.ph/directory/vaw-hotlines.

I hope this information helps you to get the support you need.

[weepingwillow]

I have something of a strange take on this. I'd tell him to post them then. The reason being that he can post them whether you do what he wants or not, whenever he feels like it. Those pics would be held over my head forever, and eventually the price for him to not post them will be higher than just having them out there and getting it over with. When someone blackmails you they're depending on you playing along, basically. If they say "do ____ or I'll post them" and you tell them to just post them steals the leverage they think they have and kind of takes the steam out of them, and they know they have no power. Is it possible they'd get posted? Oh yeah, definitely, and I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd rather deal with that fall out than to be under control. If I do what he wants the chance is just as good that he'll post them, so it doesn't seem to change the likelihood of them being posted, whether I give in or not.

Like I said, kind of a weird take on it, obviously not something that would work for anyone else necessarily. This is just a rabbit hole that I'm not willing to go down. I've been blackmailed before, not with pics it was a different situation, and I learned this.

I know how stressful this can be, and I'm sorry you are dealing with it now.

[Unregistered]

My dad is in the process of loosing his job. He hasn't been all that happy or interactive since he deployed when I was 6 but recently it's been worse. He is almost always home since he can't go out applying for jobs and such yet (it's complicated, long story). He is also almost always angry. Being in the same room with him means walking on eggshells, being extremely careful not to make him angry. When he does get angry he doesn't actually hit anyone, but he does yell. About everything.

For example, yesterday he couldn't find the whisk attachments for the hand mixer and he got mad and started slamming the drawers and stuff looking. I was unfortunate enough to be walking past when this happened and I'm in charge of dishes so he started yelling about where the handmixers are and how I never do my job (I'm in charge of the dishes). The whisk attachments weee in the dishwasher, which for some reason seemed to further annoy him. My mom was standing there and said something along the lines of he needed to thank me for giving them to him, which he completely ignored.

He tends to get mad at me if I mess up with the dishes AT ALL. For example, I hurt my ankle and it was painful to move it or put any weight on it so I didn't do the dishes from dinner since that requires standing and walking around the room putting them away. By noon the next day I hadn't done the dishes still since I had been busy all morning. My dad got mad and screamed at me about how I'm always making excuses and never doing my work and how the dishes had been there for several days and I wouldn't do them. There were dishes from dinner there. That's it. No one had even eaten breakfast or lunch that day, but he insisted that I hadn't done the dishes in a long time and that I was horribly lazy. If I stand up for myself I just get in trouble for back talk.

I have spent the last month or so just in my room. Almost every day for most of the day, I only come out to eat when my dad cooks (otherwise I have non perishable food hidden in my room so I don't have to come out), to use the bathroom, and to do my chores. I HATE being in the same room at him, I even get in trouble for my siblings not doing their chores! I get scrutinized for every little tiny mistake. I drop something? WHY ARE YOU THROWING THINGS AND TRYING TO BREAK THEM? I slightly ripped the bag of the groceries I was carrying in? STOP DESTROYING THE GROCIERY BAGS! You get the idea.

I spend all day hiding in my room. I HATE it. I'm 14 and I'm not allowed to leave the house by myself even to walk down the street of my own neighborhood, and we don't even live in a bad neighborhood! I am not allowed to have my computer in my room, because they don't want to allow me to have it in my room, but then not let my brothers have a computer in their room when they are older (they are concerned about them getting into sexual content), which I think is just their excuse and they are afraid I will start going on websites they don't like too. It is a stupid idea anyway since you could do the exact same thing from a smart phone, which I do have and can keep in my room.

My dad also never acts like he's actually proud about what I accomplish. For example, I got 98% on my hardest exam in a class where the teacher is straight up insane last year for midterms. I came to my dad all happy "Dad, I got 98 on Mrs. Namehere's exam!" My dad responded in a bored voice without even looking up from his computer "What two questions did you get wrong?" Oh, and by the way it was a high school class for the gifted (I am 2 years ahead in school and getting straight A's) My mom does sometimes force him to say "Good job", but he obviously doesn't mean it. For most of the year I had over 100% for my GPA in that class and that was a VERY hard class! The teacher used a college textbook and went way beyond what even that contained! Does my dad care? NO!

It doesn't usually bother me that much, but sometimes despite my best efforts I take what he says to heart. A while ago he said to my mom that I am just like Sue, a character from the show The Middle while I was sitting just a few feet away. The character is VERY awkward, extremely untalented, stupid, nieve, and makes a big deal about the smallest things. The only positive traits she really has are determination and a big heart, which only cause her to put a lot of effort into something silly and make a total idiot of her self, which she usually doesn't realize she is doing.

He more recently has started to legitimately scare me. When I'm in the same room as him I get really nervous. He had a bad childhood and was neglected an even at one point abandoned as a child. His dad was (and still is) a drunk, narcissistic, creep (Everyone who hears the details about how he is towards me has concluded that he's probably a pedophile) so I'm pretty sure my dad is messed up from that. He somehow was doing okay until I was 6 and he deployed, then he just didn't seem to care as much anymore. He didn't ever play with me or anything after that and with each deployment it got worse and now he's really bad since he's loosing his job. My mom is really stressed too and the smallest thing can set her off and make her start yelling things such as "YOU'RE OKAY BOOPER DOOPER! GO AWAY KIPPY GNAP GNAP!" Yes. She screams nonsense names, which she says she does to replace swearing at us. So she is currently of no help. My dad emotionally manipulates her too, whenever she does stuff like take me over to my friends house (whose mom is also my mom's best friend) and he has to watch my younger siblings he is awful to them and screams at them non-stop and makes them work the whole time. My mom realizes this and knows it is to make her go out less, but she doesn't do anything to stop him.

Is how my dad treats me considered emotionally abusive? If it is can I/should I do anything or just wait until he gets another job so everything calms down. Am I overreacting? I sadly can't really talk to a "trusted adult", I do online school since my dad was in the army and we moved too much to normal school to work for us. My only real friends mom is also my mom's best friend and when I'm over there my mom almost always is too and she would probably get super mad about me telling anyone. I just hate how I'm living, always locked away in my room, just waiting for the hours to pass.

I'm sorry this is super long and disorganized, thanks for taking the time to read it.