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Thread: Dont know what to think

  1. #1
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    Dont know what to think

    So I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was in a relationship with my ex for years and he physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually assaulted me. i was able to leave and i am now happily married to my husband. or at least i thought i was happily married. Lately i have been questioning things and wondering if i am being abused again. I would think that since i have already been through it, then i should know but i don't. One thing he does is makes fun of my weight but then he says he is just joking, which he jokes around a lot. We also play around physically a lot but sometimes i feel like he goes too far by and I end up hurt only a little though. He has cheated on me in the past but we have worked it over. However he never apologized for it and even said it was my fault. Then this last thing came up... he had his gun in the car and he told me to come here so i did and he pointed it at me and said pop, pop, pop. then he said he was joking. i told him i didn't like it but now i am not sure if that is abuse, intimidation or if he is really just joking. I am so confused.

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    Tasha1701D's Avatar
    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
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    Sorry to hear of your confusion, although none of us here can tell you whether you're being abused or not--that's something we each have to decide for ourselves. As I was reading, it reminded me of some of my experiences after I got out of abuse. I had issues with my boundaries cuz the abuse I had been through royally messed up how things work in relationships for me. Something that really helped me was when I realized that if I wasn't happy in whatever relationship I was in that I could end it just for that reason alone, there didn't need to be a bigger reason than that I wasn't happy. I then realized that some relationships I had that I wasn't perfectly happy with I did still want to keep cuz I'd invested a lot of time, energy, emotion, etc into them, so I ended up working out ways to keep the unhappiness to a minimum. For instance, I have a relationship where the person often threatens harming themselves if I don't do xyz. I've stated my boundaries to them, and when they do this, I'm consistent with what I said the result would be, cuz it's just not acceptable to me for my friend to try to manipulate me like that. I've also had people with whom I've had relationships but they weren't as important to me as this friend that I've continued the relationship with, and when things happen that are unacceptable to me, I may just decide it's not worth it for me to try and continue interacting with them. For me, joking with a weapon is a deal breaker, since I've had my life threatened before, and I take any kinda weapon seriously, so that's one thing that would cross the line for me. However, I know for a few of my brothers, it'd be a perfectly fine thing to joke about with them. I guess what made the most difference for me was the realization that it was permitted to end any relationship--or keep any relationship--I had for any reason or even for no reason at all.
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    weepingwillow (01-06-2017)

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    Then this last thing came up... he had his gun in the car and he told me to come here so i did and he pointed it at me and said pop, pop, pop.
    Not giving legal advice but...
    This is legally assault.

    Someone coulda shot and killed him for that behavior.

    As a matter of fact, I may be inclined to shoot someone who pulls a gun on me.

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    even if he is "just joking", that still doesnt mean you gotta tolerate it. i have a simple litmus test for such "jokes". if he's joking about my body (e.g. weight) - how would he feel if i started joking about his (e.g. size of his penis)? if he would find it funny and laugh with me - then i guess he really is a simpleton who genuinely finds such jokes funny. and if he would not find it funny - then he's being a jerk to me, double standards and all. either way, i dont like such jokes, so i dont tolerate them

    ps: i agree with sunflower, someone pointing a gun at me would risk getting hurt. not cuz im such an evil person, its just a self-defense reflex. same way as i duck down when something flies by - duck down first, think later. and i dont think i would be in any trouble with the police, if someone got hurt as a result of pointing a gun at me
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    I can relate to this. My husband makes jokes about my weight, and about me being insufficient sexually, and me not being much fun....ect. If I bring it up, he just says he is joking and that if he really believed it, he wouldn't say it. But I know he believes some of the things he says. I have also had the situation where he starts a physical play fight, but ends up holding me down or doing something else that I hate. If I complain, he says I am too sensitive, and I don't know if he's right or not. Something a friend did to help me gain a little perspective was show me a chart(a circle I think) that explains the different areas of abuse. So I could see that my husband fits some of them, but not all. I'm still not sure whether or not he is intentionally mean or not, but I am hoping that as I heal from past abuse, I will be able to have a clearer understanding. I hope things get better for you.

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    weepingwillow (01-12-2017)

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