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Thread: I am so lost and don't know what to do...

  1. #1
    Jlyj08 Guest

    I am so lost and don't know what to do...

    Ok...so about 8 years ago I met my now husband while attending college. We were just friends and married to other people. Things in both of our marriages weren't working out-I know mine wasn't but now I honestly question what he has told me about his. Anyway, as your are probably already thinking...we had an affair, which obviously didn't help the issues in our marriages and ultimately led to the end of mine...I'm not 100% on his though and I am not proud of any of it. Anyway, things weren't really good from the start. He would tell me that he was going home to sleep but then there would be movie tickets in his pockets with that date on it. One time he told me he was going out of state to visit family but really went on a trip with his then best friend who was dating his now ex-wife (they were divorcing at the time). So obviously I was upset...he didn't validate it and would get mad at me for being upset. I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't. I eventually bought a house and got a good job. Ignoring all the signs, I let him move in with me. From the very start of my job, it was insane...he would fight with me while at work. Calling/texting nonstop and I would many times have to take sick time because I had so much anxiety. He accused me of sleeping with every guy I worked with young or old and still does to this day. Then he would flip from that to sending me inappropriate pictures at work and get pissed at me if I didn't respond to him. He would get mad at me for talking about work too much. He said I was obsessed with work. Anyway, fights get out of control. I am not innocent but I do not do what he does. I put my foot down and tell him that I am not putting up with it anymore. He calms down and eventually we get engaged. We were going to get married soon after but I got pregnant. I was super sick. I lost 20 pounds (I only weight 125 begin with) and I was on home health care. I had an IV at home and had to have a catheter in my stomache with meds all day at work. During that time, he took really good care of me! I thought things had really turned around and felt confident in our future. Well, I have our daughter in December and find Facebook messages from another woman in August. He denies things of course...their just friends, she's obsessed with me, l'll set her straight-don't worry. Well, he didn't. I found out later that he slept with her multiple times while I was at work and most heartbreaking of all- took MY baby girl to her house! Unfortunately I didn't find all the details out until long after I married him and I looked the other way at the time - although I knew in the back of my head. Anyway about 2 years ago I got a promotion at work and started working with someone we both went to college with. It was ok at first but then he went off the deep end again...Tracking my phone, following me, making surprise trips to my work in the middle of the day (this is not allowed at my job). One day after work I went to have a drink with a couple of my co-workers but like an idiot lied because I didn't want him to freak out. I had one beer and left. He went through my location services on my phone and also saw the text from my college friend telling me the locations where everyone was meeting. So he accused me of being alone with him...I wasn't. I apologized, told him why I lied, and promised I wouldn't do it again-that I would be honest no matter what. Well that was the catalyst to my 2 years of straight hell. He went crazy- fighting all the time, throwing things, slamming doors, calling/texting nonstop. One night I went to a work function to see a sports game. I went to the game and had 3 talk beers. I'm a lightweight and could really feel it when the game ended. Well, a few of my co-workers said they were going to walk to a bar...I went too, so I could get a chance to sober up. I drank water and just talked/joked with everyone. At the end of night, my college friend walked me to my car ( bad neighborhood and it was late) and that was it. I got in the car and immediately heard knocking on the passenger window. I instinctly locked the door and looked up to see my husband standing there! Apparently he had been calling and texting but I didn't even check my phone because I was drunk and talking. He had driven our other car up there to find me. Anyway, he was spewing at me so I didn't want to unlock the door...I was terrified, so he punches out the window. I freaked out and jumped out of the car with my purse and coat and started to run. He yelled something like go ahead take the other car. So I get in the car (he had left it running) and drive off-not toward home though because I was afraid of what he would do to me if he had me in private. So he followed me all along the side streets...honking his horn and acting like he was going to side swipe me. If i sped up he would drive faster. I felt like I was in a movie. I eventually got on the highway and he kept doing this...I called my mom and told her what was happening. She told me to drive to the police station, so I did but I as always was afraid to get him in trouble. I went home and he followed. I didn't get out of the car but I told him that he needed to leave or I was calling the police. He started to accuse me of sleeping with our college friend- so very not true. Anyway so much has happened that I don't remember how that worked out but eventually we must have talked/worked things out because he didn't leave. After that it was constant fighting- crazy fighting/accusing. It was nuts. I told him if he didn't stop then I was leaving him. He didn't stop. I told him that I wanted to separate and he actually agreed. Although he stayed for 2 more weeks-very unpleasant 2 weeks. The week after I told him this I had to go to an overnight training for work and our college friend was there. I wound up drinking with him and others but eventually it was just us and we kissed. I went to his room and things happened - but we didn't engage in any kind of sex. I know that was very wrong and felt horrible about it. I couldn't concentrate the next day and convinced myself that all of our issues were my fault. I went home the next day and tried the hardest I have ever tried to make it work with my husband. I didn't tell him what happened though. Well he suspected something and the fighting continued. So I asked him to leave and he did...he stayed at his ex-wife's house with his old best friend (she was not there...she was on a extended business trip). Anyway, while we were separated (about 6 weeks) the college friend and I exchanged texts and had another similar night to other-but no sex (although I'm pretty sure it didn't happen the second time only because he "couldn't"). I ended it with college friend and eventually got back together with my husband. That is when things got really bad...he found out what happened and went crazy. Calling/texting college friend, threatening him...which led to a restraining order. He became physical with me, I became suicidal-one time he actually told me that he wished I would blow my brains out. He is no longer physical but still fights with me-crazy fights. Throwing things, threats, name-calling, attacking my character. He says it is because I still work with him. The thing is that while we still work for the same company, we do not work together or even see each other and we do not communicate at all. He knows this but he doesn't trust me. This has been a year of the super-duper crazy but as you can see the whole relationship has been nuts. I can't take it anymore and told him that I was conserving divorce. I bought some books to help me out...deciding to divorce or not and angry men. But in the mean time I have stopped participating in the relationship. Still living together, no affection (kissing/sex), we still share meals and responsibilities. The thing is though he is totally crazy at times if you take that away he is a great father (except for fighting in front of them), he cooks, he cleans sometimes - more than other men, and does projects around the house. But then there is the at least weekly crazy fighting and I mean jerry springer. It is not ok. The less I participate the crazier it makes him but I can't ever say anything right either. Then he says it was just a fight and wants to have sex. He says I have issues and me shutting down right now is abusive to him. Last night he got so angry that he slammed the door and made pictures fall of the wall. But today he said would start going to anger management. I don't know if it even matters. So much had happened and I honestly believe that he won't change but I am afraid to just give up too. He scares me though and hurts me so much. I feel so bad about myself and am completely lost. I don't talk to many people about it but they all say to leave...the problem is I don't know if I should listen because I haven't told anyone about our college friend...does that change things? If they knew that would they say the same? My one friend said it doesn't matter if you did an entire football team, you still don't deserve that...but would she say that if she knew what really happened?

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jlyj08 View Post
    crazy fighting and I mean jerry springer. It is not ok.
    agree with your comparison. i only saw like a half an episode once, but yeah, they also had people constantly cheating on each other, suspecting each other of cheating, throwing scenes, whatnot. was pretty bizarre to watch it tbh, i dont understand why grown adults choose to spend their lives like this. i guess everyone has different priorities, free country and all, no judgment.

    im puzzled though, what sort of input are you looking for? this is a trauma recovery site. people who were raped, beaten, starved as children, etc. dealing with resulting mental health problems: ptsd, depression, self-harm, etc. coming here to talk of how we cope with and recover from these things, to build a better life for ourselves.

    youre looking for reassurance that its ok to leave a relationship you arent happy in? i believe its ok to leave for any reason or no reason at all, romantic relationships are voluntary by definition. it doesnt have to be your fault or your partners fault, sometimes things just dont work out. its up to you to choose how to live your life, with this guy or with some other guy.

    my only concern is that youre saying there are kids involved in all this, and they cant choose to divorce their parents. so they are kinda stuck in this environment of constant cheating/fighting/drunk driving, and its not good for kids. i just hope someone considers their best interest too, whatever both of you choose to do with this relationship...
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