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Thread: Is this abuse

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Is this abuse

    I am in a relationship that I have been in for about 10 years. There have been lonnie periods of time where things are fine but at other times not good. He snaps at me regularly about how I do things wrong, how I don't do anything at all, if something breaks or goes wrong it is always my fault. He has also had huge explosive arguements where he is just in a rage. You can not talk rationally to him. He is almost having what is like a temper tantrum. He yells and screams. He has gotten right up in my face and screamed. Called me names during these explosions. He has punched walls and broken things although not often. We recently did have a huge fight where he did put his hands on me. He did not hurt me and I was fine and he immediately snapped out of it. He has been extremely apologetic since then and hates what he did. Says it will never ever happen again. He even asked if I wanted him to go then. I have never been afraid of him hurting me. Just been unhappy with how he talks to me. Is it possible that was a one time thing? Is how he talks to me abuse? Is it possible it will change? I am just lost and don't know what to do. I do love him but do not want to live like this. We also have a son and I do not want him in a bad situation. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    you know, while i was in an abusive situation, it really helped me to see how the person interacted with other people, not me. cuz it wasnt tantrums, uncontrollable fits, etc. they had np controlling themselves when they felt they needed to. they didnt put their hands on police officers, didnt punch walls during job interviews, etc. they could behave appropriately when they wanted to, it wasnt a disability. they just didnt find it necessary to behave appropriately around me specifically. and a big part of it was that i kept tolerating it. so they figured - why bother behaving, if she takes crap either way. know what i mean?

    i believe people change when they see the need and possibility to. if they believe they can have a better outcome if they change than if they dont. i dont believe they change for any other reason. and in the context of abusive relationships - theres no reason to change, for the abusive partner, cuz the abused partner continues to stay with them and tolerate things they complain about and ask to be changed. its as if a restaurant served me rotten vegetables, i asked to return it, they refused, so i ate them and paid for them and came back again the next week. of course they'll serve me rotten stuff again, cuz why not, they know i'll eat it. know what i mean?

    and i also think that with abusive relationships things progress, cuz the abusive partner constantly keeps testing/pushing boundaries. it can be slow and gradual, but gets noticeable after a while. cuz i start complaining of them raising their voice when angry, then a few months later i dont mention the volume anymore if only they agree to not cuss me out, then a few months more go by and i dont mention the volume or the cussing, as long as they dont touch me, then i tolerate beatings but not broken bones, then broken limbs are ok but not broken skull, etc. its a slippery slope, you know, it doesnt stop on its own.

    not trying to tell you what to do, your life, your choices, but it helps me in such situations to draw the line somewhere. it doesnt matter where that line is (at yelling, at cursing, at punching, at breaking bones, etc), as long as its there somewhere, and i know i gotta leave when it gets crossed. cuz when i was in a bad relationship i kept rationalizing it, thinking that maybe once isnt bad enough to leave, or maybe many times isnt bad either as long as there are no bruises, etc. know what i mean? theres gotta be a line, set from beforehand. if youre ok with yelling and willing to tolerate one physical assault but no more than one - maybe make it clear that you will def be leaving if it happens again? cuz otherwise the next time it happens you gonna go online again, trying to figure out if you should leave or not, wont get a definitive answer (cuz its your decision to make at the end of the day) and the cycle will continue spiraling.

    for you and for your kid
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  3. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (01-04-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Still amazes me that when I was in the middle of my 'not at all good' relationship' I a (in others of my life) a rational and not easily taken advantage of woman got completely hooked into the role my set up for me...his chosen target. In the process I believed all his phoney excuses, his quickly forgotten promises...forgave him over and over. I could go on, but kinda sense you know the pattern.

    In the end I left him...looking back I can see that it was almost like I facilitated his not unacceptable behaviour towards me. Made it. Responded to his not ok behaviour by not laying down the law...setting boundaries and taking appropriate action if he broke them. Instead got upset and tried to understand why he was treating me as he was. My behaviour was about as appropriate as trying to reason with a person who was about to mug me. Took me a while to see this...that I needed to react with a clear and assertive NO.

    Eventually I opened my eyes enough to see that our relationship was never going to work...was not what I wanted and left.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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