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Thread: My story

  1. #1
    hatesusernames Guest

    My story

    Hi, I want to share my story and NOT be judged. I just ended the verbally abusive relationship I have been in for 16 years. We were married for 9 and right after is when it got really bad with him and I started to figure out what verbal abuse is. I read self help books and was prepared to leave but he agreed to counseling. Things improved a bit and we ended up having a child together but in the last year things just deteriorated. He would always fight going to therapy and wasn't really trying, was ignoring my pleas for help, not helping with the kids/house, doing more subtle controlling behavior though still had angry outbursts often. He withheld affection (like not even kissing me for a year at a time) and I didn't realize how much that affected me until a married man started making advances toward me. My instinct was to tell him to get lost but things somehow progressed from innocent online chats about our kids to a physical encounter. We stopped short of having sex but that was when I knew my feelings for my husband were dead and I could no longer delay a divorce.
    My husband has done a complete 180 since I told him. He has admitted all blame and stepped up and started helping out. He says he still loves me and wants another chance but I have heard that before and all my feelings for him have been extinguished. Husband does not know anything about the other guy (he threatened my life if I ever cheated) and I ceased contact with him but it has been an emotional roller coaster. I do not pretend that I ever had genuine feelings for the other man, who is pretty much a stranger, but he was the catalyst I needed to realize I deserve love and can't continue to sacrifice my life in this awful relationship.
    I have always been strongly opposed to cheating and can't believe what I did but I have absolutely zero guilt about it. I feel even grateful because if it had not happened I would be stuck who knows how much longer. But I also feel like a high school kid after her first breakup because the emotional highs and lows have been so insane. Still, the general feeling I get is that most people won't care, all they hear is that you cheated and therefore are an awful person. So I have only told one trusted friend and one relative. It's extra hard to cope when you can't even tell the full story. I hope somebody can relate or offer me some kind of support to help get through this. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,195
    i hear what youre saying. fort is a trauma recovery site, so whether youre an awful person or not is kinda irrelevant, offtopic, nobody here is gonna comment on that. the point is recovery from abuse, not judgments of your character or your partners character or other such.

    i relate to needing a catalyst, some external circumstance to be the last straw, in order to realize that the relationship im in just isnt working and i dont wanna keep investing in it, that i want out. for me it wasnt another romantic engagement, but still, i relate to what youre saying, a new experience kinda opens your eyes on your life/routines and you realize you want change.

    for you
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  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (01-02-2017),weepingwillow (01-02-2017)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    5

    Response to "hatesusernames"

    I think the most important thing is making sure you are safe rather than any sort of judgment. If your husband said if you do (this) then I'll kill you is enough to be troublesome. It would probably be a good idea to have an escape plan in case he finds a reason to escalate. There are some great sites out there that give ideas how to go about this. Even keeping money hidden in your vehicle where no one would find it for emergency money and extra clothes. I was in situation where my husband head butted me and my daughter witnessed it calling the police. We could not have contact for 30 days and he contacted me making every promise in the book to change. Including taking anger management. Once I have him a second chance, it was good for about two weeks and slowly started back in with abuse. It started with the mocking or degrading me for earing my college degree using a whiny baby voice saying things like "oh, I'm a college girl and I'm perfect and so smart at a Christian college". If he is verbally abusing you, physically or makes you feel a different person that is on eggshells... is it really worth it. You have your children to protect as well. If you knowingly expose children to this they can actually get taken by the state. That is scary and I didn't even realize that (though makes sense) because you were a bystandard in the situations. My daughter was always gone on weekends when my husband lost temper, but later found out he was inappropriate with her. Mine goes further than the abuse, but you get the gist. I just pray that he continues on a good path, but make sure you have a plan of where to go and do if it doesn't work out or find yourself in unsafe situation.
    Last edited by Jane; 01-02-2017 at 04:19 PM. Reason: Removed religious comment

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