+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Is This Abuse?

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Is This Abuse?

    Am I right about this as being abuse?

    Below are things I was debating about saying to my husband, recently separated from, by using the mirroring technique on the 30th/31st. I say debating because I don't know if there's even a point to saying any of it since he likely won't ​really ​hear a single thing I am trying to say and ​if he does, ​any 'responsibility' or 'ownership' he takes just brings him back to the place of sadness and ​then ​he lashes out at me as though I have made him feel that way ​and I'm the one to blame and he can't cope and he can't feel sad and I'm at fault and not good enough - ​but it's just that he hasn't processed the trauma. He likely can't see that, so I don't know if there's a point to validating myself orally to him or if I should just try to let it all go?
    My counsellor says that I should journal to help let out the feelings but I don't feel any better by doing that. After journalling I feel like someone who has just taken tums, pepto, and gravol, but still vomited, and just wants to crawl back into bed... But anyway, here's all my thoughts​, written as I would say them to him​.


    I feel very hurt at some of the things you have said to me in the past four months.
    I feel that you may not even remember that you have said them.
    Do you remember that you said you think you might want to have kids now, a big change from previously for both of us, and I agreed to discuss it fully as not a deal breaker for me, and you said: ​"If we decide to have kids​ you'll just resent me for it"​?
    ​I felt hurt when you said that because it implies I'm a terrible person, someone who would be a horrible mother and a horrible person who blames other people for her own life choices.
    ​It also implies that you know who I will be and how I will act in the future, which is a form of womanizing.

    Do you remember that you said if we lived in the house together but separate to try to work through things that I would "make you live in the basement like a hobo and you'd just get hives"?
    I felt that implied I'm a monster who would trap you in your own home and not respect boundaries. I also felt like you were implying it was my fault if you had to move out of our house when you are the one who instigated this separation.

    Do you remember that you said "If you get an apartment in town you'll just be unhappy and come back into the house and make you move out"?
    I feel you implied I'm a vindictive and entitled person who doesn't care at all about your feelings in this and who doesn't know how to be on their own with their self worth intact. That's not who and how I am - I am very independent and self-sufficient and capable; I just suffer from anxiety and depression as well, which are much better managed now than in the last two years.

    Do you remember that you said "If I have to go live on my own, I'll have to live in a shitty apartment with drug dealer neighbours and be unhappy"? And that "If I'm unhappy where I live then there wouldn't be a chance of me getting happier to maybe work on things between us"?
    I felt like you implied it was my fault that you were unhappy,​ when I didn't do anything abusive or intentionally hurtful to you,​ and ​I felt that you were saying that ​it would be my fault if you continued to be unhappy​ because I would have been the one to make you move out​ and be unhappy, and all I wanted was to reconcile and not lose my home and my friends and my cats, so of course I couldn't make you move out.​ ​I feel that that was emotional blackmail on your part.

    Do you remember that you said "Well that's what you wanted right? To just make everybody think badly of me?" It was a few weeks or a month ago.​
    I never followed up on that at the time when you said it and I still don't know what it refers to. ​If you would like to enlighten me on that and speak to your side of why you felt like I wanted to make everyone think badly of you, ​you can. ​First, I will say that your words hurt me by implying that I have been out to smear your name through all of this as though I'm a vindictive and hurtful person, which I'm not.

    I feel that you have not been kind or considerate during this whole process. I have been trying to respect your feelings but also to respect my own and defend my self worth, and have been failing at the latter because of these hurtful things you've said, and failing at the former because of the breakdown in communication where you yell or accuse me of ​horrible things or of ​invalidating your feelings.
    I feel that you don't recognize that what you have done - not talking about how you really feel for two years, blaming me for how you felt, blaming me for not changing when I didn't know that you were unhappy - is really ​inconsiderate and irresponsible, and ​invalidating to me as a person, to the last two years of my life, and to our whole relationship. And yet you turn it all back on me and say that I'm invalidating you by not validating all of the above thoughts and feelings about me, and us, and my mental health, and your own cognitive distortions and subsequent choices to act/not act on them. I can't validate what isn't factual. I can't validate abuse.

    ​​​I feel that there were many times when I wanted to shower with you and you avoided it, when I wanted to kiss you and you barely gave me a peck, when I wanted to hug you and you pulled away. I did not take those things personally, although now they come back to mind because you are blaming me for everything that occurred in the past two years. I feel that you were traumatized by my episode of suicidal ideations two years ago, and that caused you to interpret everything in a negative, unloving light. I feel that if you got treatment for your trauma instead of pushing it away and 'moving on' as you say, that you might come to see the past two years in a more forgiving, accepting, and responsible light and take ownership for your part in it. I feel that I don't deserve to be treated so coldly and callously, and that our relationship and our marital vows deserve more than this from you. I feel that your new ​cynical ​perspective ​on marriage is not who you really are, unless who you really are is a callous and cynical person and you've just been hiding it from me for 10 years. ​If that's not who you really are, although I understand it's how you feel right now, do you really want to act out of line with who you really are for a temporary feeling? Do you really want to treat a person that way, especially someone who loved and trusted you?

    ​​I understand that you feel I am not hearing you or validating you on how you feel​, and on being unheard and being unhappy. But I do hear you. I do understand why you felt that way. I did spend too much time at home, too much time on the couch watching TV, and too much time on online volunteer pursuits.​ I understand why you /interpreted/ that as meaning that I don't love you or care for you.​ I ​think ​that was /​not/ ​the only interpretation available for you to make, and I feel that the responsibility fell on you to communicate your feelings before it got to this point and you did not do so. I feel that I was battling depression, which I cannot help (it is a legitimate illness), and I was still working on my own goals and pursuits​, having completed a 400-hour practicum and a graduate diploma, graduating with the top marks of anyone with the diploma that year, all while designing a website and helping to plan a 250th anniversary event, but instead of being proud of me​ and speaking up about your needs​,​ you resented and judged me for the 'distance' and not knowing that you 'felt unloved and uncared for.' ​I feel that that is not how love is supposed to work.​

    I have heard you on things that you would like to change: more sex, going to bed together, more closeness and touch, more passion, getting out to do things more. I feel that you could have and should have communicated about those issues. I feel that offhandedly commenting on 'never going to bed at the same time' right at your bedtime, when I am ​not tired and ​am working on something​,​ and there is no time to really discuss it, is not an effective communication strategy. I thought that you had just had a sad day. I did validate you by going to lay down with you at the time but you told me to just get up and do my own things. I feel you had already discounted any attempts at compromise on my part before I got there. ​There were many times that I asked you to come lay with me if I was going to bed earlier than you, and you would come lay down with me for a bit and read and then go watch TV or play video games. I never resented you for that. ​I feel there was a lack of goodwill and a whole lot of resentment ​from you ​​surrounding that.​ I feel that it is abusive for you to now say that 'you talked to me about that' as though there was legitimate, conscientious, timely communication from you on the topic, ever. I am not responsible for coming to you to find out things that are bothering you.​ That creates an atmosphere of things being 'off' all the time and thinking things are never okay. How often should I check in with you? How often should I ask if I've done something wrong? I chose to think things were okay because you never told me otherwise. It was a positive and optimistic outlook, not a depressed and oppressive atmosphere. Again, I feel that it is abusive for you to now say that 'you talked to me about that.'
    I ​also ​honestly thought that you were okay with the amount of sex we had. I know that we talked about it much earlier in our relationship, and I explained to you how being pressured all the time ​and poked from behind with your erection and having my boobs ​grabbed in bed without consent made me feel​ like a sex object and I was just there to gratify you​, and I thought you understood and were okay with the compromise on the amount we had sex, especially since I suggested we see a sex counsellor more than once and you declined. I thought you had just accepted it.​ I didn't know you were jerking off in the bathroom and feeling sad instead of speaking up. ​I feel again that you had a responsibility to communicate about how you felt and you did not do so. I could not know otherwise!

    I feel you had ​a responsibility ​to voice all of these issues, ​and the skills ​and ​knowledge to do so by scheduling a talk and working on things with the mirroring technique. You failed to do that, so I couldn't possibly know that you were truly unhappy about any of the things I mentioned, which have all come out in the past four months. I feel there ​is a whole lot of resentment created by hiding your feelings.​ That is on you, not me. I did not create an atmosphere of you not being able to communicate with me; you did, in your mind. I feel hurt when you blame me for your mental atmosphere.​

    I expected you to love me unconditionally. I loved you unconditionally. That didn't mean we​'d​ stand by each other through the worst of the worst​ no matter the unhappiness/anguish​, it mean​t we​'d​ talk to each other and try to lift the other person out of their worst and talk some more if that wasn't working and more changes were needed. You never gave me that chance, and that really hurts because it means your love for me was nothing like unconditional love. You didn't talk to me before August about how unhappy you were so that I could try to change, and you haven't talked to me ​effectively since then to allow me to come to understand why this is happening. ​You've actually gaslighted me: turning problems around as though they are my fault when in reality you are the one who caused them. ​I feel your love was conditional and thus inevitably temporary. I feel that you may no longer care about how that hurts me but I also feel that you've had two years to get over the pain of this, get used to the idea of leaving, and come to terms with moving on, whereas I am just four cruel months into adjusting to this new reality. I feel that you haven't given any compassion or consideration to that reality and have not only tossed me aside from your life but also tossed me aside in the process of trying to understand why. ​I also feel that you have used the excuse of 'she'll be fine in time, and her own happiness is her choice to make and thus not my problem' to justify the way you have treated me and the way you have handled this situation.​ I deserve better.

    I've come to the realization (again, and will again as grief waxes and wanes) that none of this is about me - although it has hurt and will continue to hurt as I heal - because I feel it's you that has turned into a cold, callous, judgemental​, emotionally abusive​ person​ (again)​.
    Do you remember when you said 'does anyone ever really change?' And 'any fix will just be temporary' and 'marriage is just a trap to keep people unhappy in relationships'?
    Well I feel that you must be right because here we are again, back to your 2008 and 2010 communication patterns, with you just repeating the resentment and anger and outbursts and blaming and lack of effective communication. Do you remember how you grew cold and gruff with me about a year into your policing career, and I told you you can't bring your police attitude home and you can't communicate with me like I'm one of your clients? Do you remember the time that I tried to talk to you about something that was bothering me on the way back from Halifax, and you got so angry, driving erratically and blaming me, yelling, and refusing to calm down, that I was scared and had to emphatically beg for you to pull over until I was crying and screaming at you, and you finally did and the RCMP stopped and talked to us? I lied then, that I felt safe enough to get back in the car with you. You dodged a close call there, by abusing me enough to scare me into lying to the police. It scared you straight though, and counselling worked to improve your communication - until now and apparently the last two years.
    Can you remember also how your parents are and were in their marriage, and how you might be repeating their pattern of not knowing how to communicate or love properly?
    I feel that /that/ repeated pattern is ultimately what led to the downfall of this relationship and the grinding to a halt of communication between us during this separation. And I also feel that that pattern will follow you into your next relationship, and the next, and the next, until you actually decide to break the cycle and work on ​your abusive tendencies and ​being a better communicator again. I feel you could ​do​ that with me (and of course I would work on communication too), and you would ​feel better in the relationship, just like you and I both did before when we went to counselling in Moncton and were doing great before the wedding. I feel like that could still happen except that you are closed off to me and haven't let go of all the resentment and have not tried to be ​humble, nor ​compassionate and caring and see things from my side.

    Now I wonder why you ever even married me, which feels very disorienting and diminishing ​of me as a person. ​I wonder if you even know why? ​I feel the reasons you gave me as to why you started dating me and why you loved me were severely lacking. You said 'because I was attracted to you and you were a good person.' Both of those things still stand, according to you, so it's hard to understand why we can't reconnect or work. I think you can't feel things for me right now because you've had a traumatic experience and you need to heal that first. ​I feel your stress levels are at max capacity and you don't know how to do anything but go to work and occasionally hang out with friends, and when anyone mentions anything to you that is stress-inducing or introspection-inducing ​(which can be stressful), your 'cup spills over' and you lash out with emotional abuse. I don't know why it's so hard for you to say 'yes, that is true, I need to heal that and then we will see.' It's not stringing me along and it's not giving me false hope, it's recognizing the reality of the situation and acknowledging that healing from trauma might not fix everything, while it also extends kindness to me ​by not ​blaming me for everything that has happened and saying '​N​ope, you're the problem, ​and I'm ​not ever going to respectfully talk to you about it either. The end.'

    ​I want to lastly express that I am not blaming you for everything in this situation. ​I know now that I could have recognized the signs of my depression and worked harder to get help and/or at least shower and get out of the house more. I know now that I could have recognized better that you were pulling away from me and becoming distant, but my love for you ​and optimism ​gave you the benefit of the doubt​​. I know now that I could have made more time for just us, to make you feel special and important. I am not faultless in this. I have work to do too. We could do that work together and grow as people together​, if you weren't so abusive​.
    I don't think you will find another woman like me who will put up with your idiosyncrasies with love like I did​ (and idiosyncrasies is ​a very kind way of putting it), and who is as genuinely good of a person as I am. I am special and we had a connection. I think your trauma is just blocking you from seeing and feeling it right now. I feel you should work at healing it and giving it time and perspective, for your own sake if nothing else. I​ know that I am worth that.


    I​ no longer know if I dare to risk the future abuse.​ If the second time was 10x worse than the 1st and the 3rd time is 10x worse than the 2nd, what will the 4th time be like?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Think it is good to write things down...not the same but in my mind gives them a voice. Have written a few humdingers in my time. End up really warming to my subject, losing all my normal filters. Writing stuff that directed at me would sure push my buttons...incite my lashing out rather than remorseful self.

    Given this (and that my image of him reacting to my letter by taking responsibility, accepting and apologising for the pain he has caused me is not based on any reality...is a fantasy) I tend to make do with the release I get from writing these sort of letters...always decide not to post them.

    up to you to make your own decision...maybe sleep on it.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Unregistered Guest


    Thank you for your insight Jane. I've been sleeping on it for about a week now and still not sure what to do. I guess if I'm not sure, err on the side of caution, right?

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts