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Thread: 12 months on it still haunts me

  1. #1
    northernlad Guest

    12 months on it still haunts me

    I never thought I would need to look for online advice but Im at breaking point. After a year of psychological and physical abuse from my girlfriend of 3 years, i finally broke it off and managed to cut all contact with her. I havent even spoken to her since the day I ended it. The problem is over the year apart I have been falling into a dark place. Ive piled on the weight. I turn to partying as much as I can to take my mind off it. Ive neglected my work and friends. I know i'm not right, i cant remember the last time I was truly happy. When does this disappear? ive thought about her every single day for a year. And its tearing me apart.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Hi northernlad...

    I am so sorry that you are struggling to move on since your relationship breakup. Imho leaving any relationship (even one with problems) is a big thing. Came as a surprise to me that rather than enormous relief when I got away I felt very shaken and knocked about. In the end I started to work with a trauma T...she helped me to see that how I was feeling was ok...not unexpected. That it was natural to feel grief and turmoil when you face the fact that a relationship you had high hopes for is over...that it did not consistently provide you with what you needed and deserved. That for your own safety your best option was to leave. Tough stuff. I hope coming here provides you with the support and space to process and heal, to start to find the energy to rebuild your life.

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    aruna (12-23-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
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    hi

    Although you did not mention your deep past, I'd like to share what became a significant question for myself. And that was why had I picked someone who seemed to trigger or remind me of stuff from my family of origin. This may have no bearing on your situation, but the fact that it's still resonating with you so strongly after a year may be inviting you to at least look into the center of that bruise & just explore it with questions. Could there be people or circumstances in the past that could be echoing aspects of the recent relationship; issues that couldn't be resolved with those who caused them? I wondered if I had been drawn into a similar situation to permit me to continue to untie old knots. Rather than accusing myself of a negative, like " I'm stuck or weak" it strengthened me to think that my urge to heal, to really put things behind me, was just drawing my attention to what needed to be done next. But at times I did feel like a bear on a chain, just going around in circles over the same old ground mentally & emotionally. Going to a therapist was helpful to try to identify & separate the threads in those knots. I also had to remind myself that pain was only a signal to attend to something, it was not a judgment about me. All the best, however you go about getting past it.

  5. The following user says thank you to aruna for this useful post:

    Jane (12-23-2016)

  6. #4
    Unregistered Guest

    Came here for the same reason

    I started looking online for a place to help clear these thoughts in my head and I found your thread.

    I just left a relationship of 8.5yrs. I still can't wrap my head around how abusive he actually was. While in it, I fell for the excuses, the hopeless hoping and praying and thinking if I changed this or that, life would be better for us.

    Strangely enough however, I am the person everyone else calls when in trouble. I am the first one to point out when abuse is being done to others for but me personally, I would allow it for some reason.

    Now I am struggling with the whole "no communication". I think in a way I feel I can fix him/us but deep down know the truth of that. I know that he is not going to come riding back into my life with a white horse, made all better by some non real realization of his mistakes.

    He abused me for a reason and it was not love. I stayed for a reason and it was love. But how to you really love an abuser??? What can you love about that person? Their "kind heart", their "thoughtful nature", their "honesty, love and respect"? I think not. Because those are not real. At least not in your relationship with them. At least not in my case.

    I made an image of this person I loved and fell very hard for that person. I put his face to that person and now the lines are blurred.

    I think the only way I can move past it, move past this is to put the right face on him. The face of his abuse, lack of love and respect. I need to take away the false pedistal that I put him on and grieve not him, but the false image I created for him. The person I miss will not be there at the other end of the phone if I call. Because that person does not truly exist. That is why I need to be strong and keep up with the no communication so that I don't trick myself into falling for fantasy again.

    I don't know if this will help you but I am hoping it will help me. I need to remember to focus on the reality of the relationship that was not longing for the one I dreamed of. I have to know that I can still have my dream of a loving relationship, I just need to take the time to find with right person. Not try wasting my time making an abuser into that person.

    While facing that reality is probably the most difficult thing I will have to do, I think it will be the only thing that saves my life by helping me stay away from him and therefor stay safe from him.

    I grieve not for the loss of my relationship with him. I grieve the loss of what I falsely believed the relationship to be. While confusing, understanding that very fine line is what I hope will allow me to grieve properly and therefore one day make it successfully through the process and on to better things.

    These people who have abused us have taken enough of us. Of our love, our time, our pain. I won't let him continue to take anymore for me.

    Thank you for your thread, it helped me stay strong tonight. I hope my words will help you in return.

    Good luck.

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    5

    Comfort to northernlad

    Quote Originally Posted by northernlad View Post
    I never thought I would need to look for online advice but Im at breaking point. After a year of psychological and physical abuse from my girlfriend of 3 years, i finally broke it off and managed to cut all contact with her. I havent even spoken to her since the day I ended it. The problem is over the year apart I have been falling into a dark place. Ive piled on the weight. I turn to partying as much as I can to take my mind off it. Ive neglected my work and friends. I know i'm not right, i cant remember the last time I was truly happy. When does this disappear? ive thought about her every single day for a year. And its tearing me apart.
    This is my first time writing on here, your post stood out to me. I think since you are a male it must be that much more difficult to come out and address the fact you were a victim of abuse. There is a stigma of the male supposed to be strong and in charge. She was not allowing you to feel very manly when she's physically abusing you and takes everything to not retaliate or sink to the abusers level. I finally left my marriage of two years just December 5th. I'm a little fearful I will still have this emotions of panic a year later as you stated. My problem is my handsome looked like a model and I just clung to that. I'm pretty much an average Jane and I just didn't want to lose someone thought I saw as the best looking I could ever get. However, it's so important for us to really look at the inside of that individual. I had to start my own mantra "they are ugly on the inside and that's makes them ugly on the outside too". I heard some great advice from Dr. Phil on episode (whether your a fan or not it was good). Those of us who have suffered from abuse really need to think about "why do we need approval from the abuser.." really think about that it seems like when they still had no remorse, were in denial for their actions, what do we care what they think? Imagine all the people you've met over a lifetime and will still meet- does that one person really matter that much to dwell on the past? I'm still working through my own emotions, but I'm slowly reprogramming my own mind to know that abuse "is not" normal and should not be! Don't accept anyone new in your life that is like this because none of us deserve that. I'm adamant about all of us getting back to healthy mentality. I'm a psychology major so I can't really get on with my schooling this next month if I don't heal fast!
    Last edited by Jane; 01-02-2017 at 04:23 PM. Reason: removal of religious comment

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