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Thread: Is it all punishment?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    2

    Is it all punishment?

    So, at the beginning everything was perfect,Flowers, chocolates little kisses on the forehead. Everything that is needed and wanted..fell in love quick.
    Couple of months later things become a bit harsh but I brushed snide comments aside and made everything okay..but then violence started. I remember the first time of physical abuse so clear, just a little slap and some shoving but I forgave him. Put it down to the things that complicated and stressed him out. Couple of weeks later, things start to go missing, expensive things but I just put it down to me misplacing things. More violence but an"accident" something was thrown in my direction, hitting my eye, causing a black eye. Flowers brought as an apology, "it won't happen again"
    Money going missing...must just be me over spending or throwing money away with reciepts or me misplacing... Am I forgetful??
    Never ending hurt inside, I just hurt and feel like everything is my fault biut I try to find where I fault..where I mess up, what can I do better??
    Holiday ruined, dragged, put in a sleeper..too scared to scream.
    A tablet, "misplaced?"
    I pad stolen, memories I won't get back..phones stolen, phone smashed, cars ruined...I just find it hard to describe..unsureon how to.
    Flowers make everythin okay sometimes, because he must love me, he must do to think about me to buy them surely...?? Is it normal?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    21,567
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    Hi JustRainee...

    Can relate to your story...parts of it. The part about your partner presenting like two almost opposite people. Took me a while to realise that his charm...was purposeful and on its own way manipulative...one of his many strategies to hook and keep me hooked in. Yep sure got to know (and in the end) became more than a little cynical about his tears, apologies, remorse, flowers...came to recognise it as it being one of his self-serving things...to keep me the person he could take his frustrations out on from leaving. Worked too for many years.

    Like you I felt if I only tried harder, cut him some slack that things would change...that he would become the supportive and loving man I hoped he would be...saw glimpses of. Didn't happen. Once he was confident that he had reassured me...that I had forgiven him he quickly reverted to his old ways. Seems to be a pattern that once a person establishes abuse as a way to cope they are very unlikely to change. The few who do show a few traits...they change because they want to, not because their partner the courts or anyone else pushes them to. They commit to doing the hard work that is needed to reset their wonky values, ways of being. Most of all they take responsibility for the harm they have done...own it and no longer accept that it is an ok thing to be doing.

    In the end I realised that how things were...him, our relationship was how they were likely to stay. That this was not the life I wanted. Was hard to get to this point but with the support of my family and staff at my local dv shelter eventually I did.

    Your choice on how you deal with this situation. Can only say that I also lived with a man who did not respect me, did not treat me well. I thought that I could change him...took me time to realise that the only thing I could control was my behaviour, response. Actually could have always done this...however like many in a chaotic relationship I did not see (probably want to see) my options. Took me outside help and support to see that I was not as powerless as it seemed - that there were options available that would help me get back on track with my life.

    Got to admit leaving was hard...however with time and work things did get easier and I was able to focus on creating my "new" abuse free life.
    Heading off on a mini vacation - some rest and recreation - be back at the end of the week - round about Sunday 24th

    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    aruna (12-17-2016),eagle22 (12-09-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    9

    I understand

    Quote Originally Posted by Jane View Post
    Like you I felt if I only tried harder, cut him some slack that things would change...that he would become the supportive and loving man I hoped he would be...saw glimpses of. Didn't happen. Once he was confident that he had reassured me...that I had forgiven him he quickly reverted to his old ways. Seems to be a pattern that once a person establishes abuse as a way to cope they are very unlikely to change. The few who do show a few traits...they change because they want to, not because their partner the courts or anyone else pushes them to. They commit to doing the hard work that is needed to reset their wonky values, ways of being. Most of all they take responsibility for the harm they have done...own it and no longer accept that it is an ok thing to be doing.
    I can completely relate, it's the catalyst to reinforcing the cycle of abuse; "if only I tried harder and made a bigger effort and wasn't so easily upset, maybe then it would be okay" but you can never make enough of an effort, they always find something to pick at, any excuse to get angry. So this makes you feel worse, and they get angrier, you try harder but it's never enough again.. etc etc it goes on in a vicious cycle.

    I got so scared of them i couldn't be natural around and be normal, everything was an act, carefully thought out to ensure I did not make them angry. But when you're constantly scared they get angrier and more cycles develop.

    Much love to all x

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