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Thread: What I learned

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    What I learned

    Dear Friend,

    I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship one year ago, and I wanted to share my story and what I learned. My abuser was not always an abuser. We were married, pretty happily, for a few years. Then we experienced an unexpected tragedy, and at the same time had children close together in age. I felt the foundations of my understanding of life shaken by the tragedy, but with no time to recover between my work and taking care of little children. Our mental states were both compromised. Slowly, my spouse started becoming angry and impatient, but I was too tired and confused to realize something was starting to become broken. Every day, it became a little bit worse. After two years getting worse, I was being degraded almost every day (for example, "You piece of !").

    I reached out to my old friends and family for help. They gave advice (mostly not helpful), but more importantly, they cared. I realize that my sense of self had slowly been eroding. I had become completely unsure of myself and of how I felt. I didn't trust myself. But the feeling of love that I received from my old friends and family helped immensely.

    I started reading books about "loving yourself". I realized that for the past few years, I had been under a fog of confusion and sadness, and the fog started clearing. I realized that I was being abused.

    After that, I still tried to save the relationship for almost a year because I really did not want my children to have a broken home and because I did not want to deal with the challenges of divorce. It did not work, not even close, in fact it just got worse. And the truth is that it was much worse for the children -- they witnessed a parent being abused regularly. If I could do it again, I would have left much, much earlier.

    Nevertheless, one year ago I moved out. It was glorious. And every day away from the abuse, I grew stronger. I was filled with anger, which I channeled to gain energy. (I also got really horny...) And I was filled with a desire to learn about myself and about love. Now I feel extremely confident in myself. I have a simple belief that is the opposite of confusion: I believe the world is just as it seems. My life feels so free, and more so every day. And I know that I am giving my children a warm, loving environment.

    For those of you who are in abusive relationships, I have a few words. I love you. I may not know you, but I really love you. And I wish the very best for every moment of your life.

    Mod edit: tempting I know but, no cussing in this folder.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Hopefully it will enable others who are in a 'not ok' relationship to see that they have options. that although in the present moment they may doubt it, be fearful. You show that it is possible to go through a separation and rebuild your life...flourish.

    Like you I lived in hope that things would come right (optimistically thought that if I only could worked out how I would be able to get things back on track). Wasted years trying to fix things...surprises me how I didn't give up...lose hope. Bottom line was that it took me a long time to understand that I could not change his thinking and behaviour...and he did not see any need to do this..why would he? 'I was to blame...made him do what he did'. In the end I realised that how it was was very likely how it would stay. That I had 2 options to grit my teeth and live with his behaviour or separate. Like you I realised that my minor child had no choice or control...that I had a parental responsibility to provide an emotionally safe environment for him. In my case it was a no brainer...I left.

    Like you I felt relief, but also grief...sadness that my dream of a happy ever after with the man had shared so much with was over. That it had come to the point that leaving had become my best option. Found it helped to accept that my grief was legitimate and normal...that with processing and work it would pass. :idk remember waking up one morning and thinking "I have not thought of xxx for a while"...realised that I was starting to let go of my past and begin to embrace my new life and the opportunities it opened up for me.

    My son? Continued to raise him on my own (with the help of my family). Did it successfully...like to think that I helped to make him what he is today...a thoroughly decent and caring man.

    Again thanks for sharing your encouraging story...like the best stories I love that it has a happy ending
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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