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Thread: New here and kind of need to talk

  1. #1
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    New here and kind of need to talk

    Hey there everybody!

    My name is Dylan and I am new here. I am actually posting this because I'm really concerned about an old friend of mine...

    Before I go any further I want to share a little bit on my background. I have mild cerebral palsy and was singled out for abuse by my mother, maternal grandmother and older sister. My mother is deceased now. But It is bad enough that my sister and I no longer speak. And I have cut all ties with my grandmother...

    The situation with my friend is extremely complicated. My friend's name is Ian. Ian is thirty-four and he also has cerebral palsy. I live alone and Ian lives with his mom Ellie...

    And that is why I am worried. Ellie treats Ian like a possession that she would rather control. Although she doesn't beat him or do anything else along that line and she allows him to come to my house and visit Ellie complains about Ian to anyone who she thinks will listen to her {complaints like "my son bounces off the walls"} and will tell Ian's friends outlandish things about him to try and get them to leave. She also tries to intimidate his friends...me included. Ellie also insists that Ian obtain jobs in order to keep up a facade of some kind. And up to now every job that Ian has had has prevented him from being able to meet new friends or socialize. The last time that I went to visit Ian his mother stood watching us the entire time I was there...

    An aside to this kind of. The first time that I visited Ian at the apartment where he lives I was there to reclaim one of my animals and bring him back. That day my friend Michael had gone with me to help me with that task. During the time that we were there Ellie began bragging about an incident that had occurred with Ian a long time ago. Another thing that struck me wrong. All three of us {Ian, Michael and I} are pagan. I am druidic specifically. Ellie spent about an hour trying to evangelize to us. Whenever I have brought concerns about Ellie's behavior to Ian his stock answer is "my mother doesn't communicate well". It is true that Ellie is HH. But that has nothing to do with her behavior...

    Prior to this Ian was living in a duplex that a friend of their family had given him. At that time he had internet service and basic phone {although his phone itself needed replacement} and we would talk online frequently as well as visits. Recently he moved back in with Ellie and since then I am concerned about is that Ellie is attempting to isolate Ian. He no longer has internet service and our phone calls only last for about ten minutes maximum {due to Ellie not wanting to replace the phone}. Another thing is that where at one point he would stay for five to six hours he will now stay only about two hours. Ian told me that this has to do with medical issues. But I am concerned that his mother is the real reason for this change...

    I have mentioned to Ian several times that I am concerned about the way that Ellie treats him. And each time I get this answer of "everything is fine" and "I'm fine" when he really isn't and nothing about his situation is ok. It is bad enough that his girlfriend and I might have to have an intervention for him. I'm not an expert. But I'm basically concerned that Ian might be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome around this issue...

    I know that normally there is a rule about only talking about yourself. But I need to share this because I don't know where else to go with this.

    Get back to me on this please,
    Thanks!
    Dylan

  2. #2
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    Is hard to stand back when you think a friend is in a bad position. However think you need to accept it when he says he is ok. Same as for any adult he has a right to make his own decisions...good ones and ones that prove not to be in his best interest...to do what he chooses (as long it is not illegal) and accept any consequences.

    Think you are doing as much as you can...keeping in contact with him...being a good friend who is there for him if he needs you.

    I have friends who successfully live with disabilities like cp...certainly does not interfere with their ability to self determine, maintain their autonomy...can understand why you feel concerned for your friend. As you describe it his mother seem overbearing and controlling...sort of person that many would do their best to not share a house with...however sounds like your friend has decided that living with his mother is what he wants to do.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.


    Off for a while. Searching for the end of the tangle that is my life

  3. #3
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    I honestly get a bit confused when. I see someone who seems like they need help but they do not seem to see that they need help. (Meaning, I am still learning exactly how I want to pursue things best)

    I get this internal conflict where part of me wants to rescue and save them and other parts of me says it is not my job, never works unless person wants help anyways, and my internal conflict feels like the never ending Chicken Fights from Family Guy.

    Logically, I know I cannot help someone who is not seeking help. So, I feel so dissatisfied to observe what clearly looks like abuse to me. It causes my insides to churn. Makes me feel like I am an observing participant to allow it.

    It is painful for me. I have a hard time tolerating this type of inner turmoil that occurs to me. Often, I have to just remove myself as a witness...for my own sake.

    So, lately, I have compromised with myself and tell myself, that I cannot force someone to see they are being abused. Cause, that is kinda like brainwashing them to MY view...sorta. Well, it is still like making them replace their thoughts for mine, and while I do see the benefit to this in some way, I also see that it is not really helpful in a way. I am still confused on this area.

    So my thought wander to what can I "allow?"
    Cause in my head, allowing things is sorta opposite of me trying to control them.
    So this seems to sit ok with me.

    So in thinking of allowing...
    I end up trying to see if there are choices for my friend.
    Best I see I can do is present choices.
    And allow friend to choose, or not.

    I can't stop a person from yelling at a friend.
    I can supply friend with options I may take, choices I see... And just let that sit in our experience, see what happens.

    I may find that my urge to rescue friend is so strong, that it is damaging to me, so I have literally ended a friendship over this, cause my friend was harming herself, and it was too much for me to bear and set boundaries over, so I had to end things for my own self care.

    Yet, if I offer options, and my friend wants support doing another option, I can help that way. Yet, often folks seems to go back to their familiar zones. I gotta make sure I am not MORE invested in the outcome than the friend cause then I get hurt, or am feeling controlling in a way. So even if my friend wants help, is seeing options, and wants to pursue some, I still gotta stay separate from the emotional investment part of it so that it is my friends desire driving the change, not mine.

    This is tricky stuff imo
    Both in real life
    And to explain

  4. The following 2 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (12-05-2016),weepingwillow (12-05-2016)

  5. #4
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    Also wanted to say, sometimes I thought someone needed help, but, I never know full story, cause I can never really know if I ever have a full story.

    Example: Neighbor was banging on her door to get in. Teen had locked her out. I was ready to call police for her for having unruly teen abusing her via locking her out. Come to find out, she was knocking for a reason. She wouldn't have wanted to call police cause the teen woulda told them what mom did, would have maybe had mom locked up, teen taken away and such. Not to say that is not what needed to happen at all, not my point, and idk at all what was needed. Just saying that in my head, I labeled the teen the problem unfairly, when reality was the dynamic was more complicated than simple label of "victim vs abuser." Just saying, sometimes I don't have all the info, even tho I think I do. Sometimes people tell me to stay out of stuff, not always cause they are a victim afraid, sometimes cause they want their privacy to not share somethings about themself in it. Sometimes, idk, just another possibility.

  6. The following user says thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (12-11-2016)

  7. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunfl0wer View Post
    I gotta make sure I am not MORE invested in the outcome than the friend <...> that it is my friends desire driving the change, not mine.
    wholeheartedly
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  8. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (12-05-2016)

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