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Thread: When does it stop?

  1. #1
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    When does it stop?

    I am well beyond middle aged, and fully aware of the dynamics of dysfunction and relationship pitfalls. I employ boundaries and stop gap mechanisms to limit my exposure to any intrusions that I do not invite - I am aware, but I am still not protected from further humiliation and abuse from family members. It is still shocking to me to find someone who is supposed to love me, is trying to undo me. Someone that is not my abuser, but an extension of the abuse through misguided mechanisms thought to protect other family members. The secret of my abuse, the opaque nature of incest, the words cause me to cringe and shudder to this day - but the failure to fully bring this secret into the light is causing my family to collapse under it's own weight.
    A healthy and unaffected brother, who never suffered directly abuse because of his timing in entering this family, seven years after me, has become himself a hateful and abusive man, who will quickly publicly humiliate his flawed and pathetic sister to elevate his own ego, and takes it upon himself to patrol and monitor my family for any potential hazards to his own family. We live in a multi-unit home which we own as a group. Somewhere he became a bit of a tyrant - I noticed he was "managing" me, I quickly become offended and told him to quit it. Then I noticed any time I had a guest over, he or his wife would show up at the door as if to "vet" the intruder. We are neighbors, not sharing a home in which we all have unfettered access to one another. It became obvious to me how entitled the little man had become when I had mentioned a friend would be visiting from out of state, and he commented that he wasn't comfortable with my friend coming to visit because he was known to enjoy drinking beer - enthusiast is more like it, but that is not the issue. If a free society, people can invite whomever they want to come visit them at their home without having to answer to anyone. Apparently my brother did not read that part of the doctrine, and dedicated himself to policing his siblings on his own, two years sober, authority. Mind you, I am neither an alcoholic or drug user. I am medicated for anxiety - but that's none of his business either I would think.
    Most recently, they informed me that they were selling our mutually owned home, they wanted out. My husband and I suffered the most through the recession, having both lost jobs, and both been painfully overlooked by every company we sent resume's to. Our credit had suffered, and we found ourselves in a very limiting position in regard to finding another investment and living situation, the timing couldn't be worse for us. They were going ahead with their plans to make my family homeless regardless of my protests. We were neither behind or late in our payment of our share of the expenses and mortgage, and they were not in jeopardy of becoming unable to continue making payments either. In fact, they could actually rent their unit out, and make a profit. They could also sell their interest in the property, and be out of the partnership, I actually had a friend who wanted to buy them out, but they declined. When I finally figured out they couldn't just sell our home out from under our feet, I let them know we did not feel a sale would be in our best interest at that time, and would revisit the idea when the equity from the sale reached a figure that could take us into another situation that would not put my family at risk, or reduce our investment. This failure on my part, my decision to protect myself and my family from loss, and possible homelessness, was not well received. In fact, for the first time, I was not welcome at my parents home for Thanksgiving. He called first, so he was first in line to dictate who could come to their table. This exclusion thing is a new tool in their arsenal. This was punitive I feel, showing me how they are favored by my parents. In all honesty, I think my parents pandered to their rude request because they feared they would be denied future access to the grandkids. I couldn't have children, my misspent youth caused more than just psychological damage.
    He was in, and by my mother's own words, I was out. My mother betrayed me again. She allowed it. This year, when my own family needed my full attention and focus, they did it again. They called mom two months ahead of time to lock me out of Thanksgiving once again. This time, I'm not feeling very much like being the family dog.
    My brother doesn't know that my father molested me. He blames me for my own problems, and has no sympathy for people that can't seem to shake their problems. My father gets to walk around like he is innocent, my mother gets to pretend they are the wholesome and healthy parents and grandparents to my unharmed little brother, and I get kicked out of the holiday, two years in a row, because I have let the secret, the lie, cast all the blame and shame on me. My victimization has come fully around to humiliate and remind me of my insignificance - by trying to protect my brother from the shame of it, I have once again, stepped into the humiliating and costly role of a victim. My response has been to demand full disclosure of the facts by my mother. No more protecting the baby - he's 45 years old for God's sake. Please tell me it's not me. If it is me, please be gentle. I have held positions of authority in my career. I have traveled and educated myself. In no other circumstances am I treated with such little respect - or feel such a pull towards the ground as I do with this family member. He has taken the other abusive elements of my childhood, and joined in. Please send me feed back, for reasons I cannot explain, there are other negative forces in my life that make me question my recovery, and my part in this. I would not let him control me in any way - and I am punished from it. How did I come full circle into the grips of this drama? And why do I feel so bad for my parents who have allowed me to stand alone in my problems without taking any responsibility for their presence. ??? Please help me to understand if you can see it clearly at all.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    20,280
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    From what you describe I can understand why you feel on the outer...idk family members' refusal to accept that things are not right...to deflect rather than acknowledge and deal with issues. Seems like one strategy they are using is to scapegoat
    ...take against you...denying the past and current stuff that is fueling what is happening. Was shocked to learn that your family were prepared to mislead you into thinking you had no choice but to sell your share in your jointly held property...thank goodness you found out about your legal rights and were able to take a firm stance.

    When I am having to live in close proximity to people who try to take their angst out on me and it is not a viable option to get away...I try to ignore their nastiness (takes real control)...if I have the energy refute say a firm no...and walk away. Helps me to not take their distorted and mean stuff on board.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    3

    Thank you for your comment, words support like bone

    Thank you for your insights, ignoring their efforts to reduce me is sound advice, and I want to make their voices mute. That's the hard part though, the conversations run riot in my mind - I firmly say shut up, but the thoughts come creeping back again. I found out recently that I suffer from PTSD, and I guess I have been plagued by this as long as I can remember - I don't know what life is like without it. I also recently found out that I am likely to have Asperger's Syndrome, an encyclopedic memory of all of the insults and slights. Yayyy me! Ruminating thoughts are my cross to bear until I develop a skill set to manage these newly discovered afflictions. There is a rule that applies generally for understanding yourself and your place in the world - if a lot of people seem to think the same thing about you, it's probably you. That's the hard part, I feel like my family has gone mad, and I'm left on the outside to figure out how to best take care of myself and navigate through the muck without deluding myself. In this case, I keep finding they are negligent - the worst of it is the betrayal of my mother. I never thought she would let me down like this - it's the hardest part to accept. I don't know if I'll be able to participate in this family ever again, and maybe in that reality, I"ll find myself becoming more me, a stronger and more resilient person than I was when I was their garbage pale. I told my mother I was tired of wearing the shame in our family - and a feeling of lightness came over me in that moment, and it hasn't left me. So even though they conspire to put all of the family issues square on my head, if I'm free of them, it will matter no more. There is something liberating about the idea of going forward without all that baggage and weight. If I can go without forcing their limited view of the world to understand this situation, and their role in my troubles, I will be totally free of them. If I first require them to accept the truth, then still can't forgive all the crap - I'll just be that much more frustrated and hurt I predict. Even if the truth was staring them in the face, I somehow don't think they'll come begging my forgiveness and showering me with love. That fantasy will never come to fruition I imagine - and they are likely to be the same people who have so easily given me stress and pain for most of my life. It's not easy to accept that you're family is and has never been good for you, I spent so long trying to believe they were there for me - maybe that was all in a world I created out of hope and need. I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband to wander the world with, that was a stroke of luck I'm very grateful for. This stress creeps into our personal relationship, and that's not fair to him. It's yet another reason to cut the ties with my family - my brother actually told my husband he could do better than me. That's the kind of support you need like a hole in the head.

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