HI. I'm new to this. Ive searched and searched for someone to relate to on what i feel like im going threw all over again. I was in a abusive relationship. i already had been a single mom of a amazing two year old. I met this boy. 1.5 years later were engaged, getting a house, and two months in finding out were having a BABY. I remember being so scared and excited to tell him our family was growing. It happened backwards, but it was happening. The day i told him hes a DAD...he apologized for ruining my life. it wasn't the reaction i expected in anyway. Next thing i know im constantly being told im doing things wrong, im being shoved off couches, he wasnt coming home, im being held down and made to have sex with. Hes taking things away from my toddler (like his shoes off his feet, taking away....) The day i found out baby number two was a BOY. i was sooooo excited!!!! Instead i got ripped to the ground, slammed into walls, hit in the head over and over and watched my two year try to save me.

I did nothing about it. I cried. I thought it was my fault. I had a hormone issue when i was pregnant. I thought it was making me distant and in my head it was my fault.

i went threw concussions aka car hoods fell on my head, i fell hiking, i tripped doing this, i fell down steps...yada yada yada. i went threw him telling me over and over that he was committing suicide, watched him take pills, hold knives to his throat. Still being abused at least twice a week. My son was born 2.5 months premature. Hardest thing ever watching your baby hit three lbs and not being able to hold him. I was still a mom, i couldnt give my newborn 24/7 attention. I was being asked all of those are you "safe at home questions" mean while my ex is in the next room with our son. You wanna scream. Im staring at this lady im covered in hot coffee that just got thrown on me in the car in the parking lot, smiling. SMILING. saying absolutely everything is perfect.

years later and our relationship was still just a broken record. I remember this switch going off in my head. Telling me im ready to fight back. Im gonna defend myself. WORST idea ever. All that happend was i was getting in trouble and had nothing to prove he had already been doing it for years. i just looked crazy. like a liar. He backed it all up to. He was such a smooth talker.

Three Septembers ago is where it ended. We had gone to the beach with this family. I didnt want to, but we did. Everytime they walked out outside i was slammed into a wall. i had a healing broken foot that was stomped on with this steel toe boots because i walked ahead of him on the board walk. i said nothing. i said i didnt fell well and went to the room to cry. I remember him falling asleep and his dad coming to get me. He said get dressed and be quiet. Were taking you out without him knowing. I had so much fun! I felt so free.

We came home from the beach.

i was in trouble. it started out with him turning on the gas stove and throwing a towel on it. It caught on fire. My children were upstairs. I ran to put it out. He was already in his jeep and gone. I remember thinking..... i need a game plan. I have no money. This was my home, with all my stuff. i paid the bills. It was right next to his parents house. I couldnt stay.

He came home, he picked me up by my throat and pinned me on a wall, i couldnt breathe. My oldest son came down, he slammed me on the floor. My son tried to help. I told him im okay, please go play with your brother. He look terrified. He listened and went upstairs. i remember for the first time ever thinking, hes going to kill me. I need something right now, a knife, a FORK anything. Next thing i know my ex is getting a shot gun out of the gun cabinet. Hes loading it, hes just staring at me......
I made my way to the steps and closed the doors, thinking i cant let my kids get hurt. i cant. I WONT. Its kind of a blur, but no one got hurt. The gun was never used and he left. i got rid of the guns.

I Called family. i said my boys arent safe. i need you to take them i until i get out. That was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. Giving up my own children.
It was the best decision i ever made. They were safe.

I frantically called a million people. Started throwing what i thought was important in boxes. I came up with a game plan. I was going to get out. The timing had to be just right. I needed money.

He came home. He had no idea. That was so empowering. I kept to myself.. Said the boys were at a sleepover with their cousins. He didnt care.

That night it started with his hand on my mouth. Asking me why i dont love him anymore. For once...i said nothing. I didnt care. I DIDNT love him. I HATED HIM. As i heard my hair ripping out of my head, watched my vision go blurry on and off. Get hit by items, get thrown from the couch to the floor. Just thinking "protect your head" it didnt matter. It got slammed off the floor to many times to count. With him squeezing me, all his weight on my body. I remember thinking this is hurts more then it ever has. I didnt scream, i didnt cry. I was numb. It went on forever and then suddenly he was done. He told me he loved me and he left. i remember i felt like i was having a out of body experience. I had my eyes close, telling my self to breathe, itll be over before i know it. Like i was watching this happen to myself.

I didnt move. I couldnt. it was over. I hurt.
i laid there for what felt like forever.

When i got up it hurt to walk, it hurt to move my kneck. It was hard to see. This lasted for weeks. I remember thinking he really hurt me. With every step i could feel pain up my back, down my spine. my body was on fire.

i moved out.
i had nothing, but oh my god did i have EVERYTHING.

It was horrible, police reports, nightmares, being harassed, being sexually assaulted trying to get my things out, my car getting broken in to, my elbow getting slammed in the door trying to reach for my son. He was a item to him. The only way hed get a reaction out of me was to use our son against me.

I carry a taser, pepper spray and keep knives next to my bed.

Years later i can say it CALMED down, drastically. Hes a good parent. We can civilly coparent and give our son the best of the best. There is still middle people, and he still has his moments of "pity and apologies"
Im still in disbelief. Its not great. My preemie was to tiny to remember any of this. I wont tell him. Daddys the coolest guy ever. i will NEVER give him some horrible view of his dad. i will never say one bad thing about him. They love eachother. I KNOW.

After i had left, i had back issues. Leg pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH. They said it was my sciatic nerve. ive taken meds ever since. Never really did anything. I tried yoga and stretches, you name it ive tried it.

The last couple of months my back got worse. Then i woke up and my left leg was numb. Its now been three weeks.
My xrays show i have a couple year old spine fracture. Its been causing all these issues. i need physical therapy 3-4 times a week, a spine doctor and to go to OSS. I need a MRI but until i jump threw a 1.5 months of hoops to show insurance i need it i just kinda go with it. i work two jobs, i have a home and the boys. Ive already missed alot of work for appointments and such. i do it on my own. Its not easy but i do it. We have everything we need, without help. I might pay bills late occasionally, but the boys have everything they need <3 i cant afford my physical therapy.

I feel horrible admitting this.....
I feel soooooo angry. Angry at myself. AT HIM.

That night i knew i got hurt. i KNEW.
Now i walk around with a limp and back pain that occasionally puts me in tears.
Ive hid in my bathroom from my little ducks, and cried. More then id like to admit.

Im replaying all these horrible scenes that it took me years to stop having nightmares about.
Its always right there. Someone will say something and it sends me back.
I feel bitter, i feel numb, i feel distant. i feel ugly. i feel clingy.

i fell like i wanna march right up to him and be like LOOK, years later LOOK what im still dealing with. YOU.
I know i cant, i cant for my sons sake. I cant because it will do nothing but cause issues that we havent had.

IDK why im writing all off this. i guess because i wanna hear there is someone out there who can relate?? I feel like im going backwards.

I just turned 26 on monday. I am a really happy, bubbly person. I stayed positive surprisingly. This is the first time ive felt sorta like im drowning.

<3 Tiffani