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Thread: Domestic Violence

  1. #21
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    Can relate to losing your words when it comes to opening up to others about abuse. Thing that helps me is to write down a few bullet points. Other option is to maybe seek some in real life professional support...I did this and although I still struggled it did help me to have the encouragement of a trained person...one who had the skills to help me relax...break the ice
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Reblisa (08-22-2017),weepingwillow (08-22-2017)

  3. #22
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    Thank you

    Thank you I don't know why I didn't think of writing down some stuff on paper first. And I did find a therapist threw my doctor and made an appointment a while back, but it ended up causing a huge fight and then he made it impossible for me to make the appointment so I never bothered trying again after that. Thank you

  4. #23
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    I'm sorry you feel like this. I know what it feels like to be around people, specifically your children that you love, and yet feel so horribly alone. Don't give up. I have found seeing a trained professional very helpful. They have gently helped me talk when i was ready. Even when i didn't know what to say or how to say it.
    Keep looking for help and answers.

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    Jane (11-25-2017)

  6. #24
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    Is once too much?

    My husband and I have been married for 18 months. He never loses his temper very often, because I never give him any reason to get mad about anything. We have a happy marriage and a good life together. He is a kind man generally.
    But yesterday in the garden we got into an argument (which is very rare) He ordered me to go inside the house. When I refused, he picked up a beer can and threw it full force at my head. He didnt apologize or look in shock that he did something wrong . I went inside, showered (I was dripping in beer) and got into bed. Im still here now. He slept downstairs on the couch and I haven't seen him yet.
    Im English and hes Australian and I moved here to be with him. So its not like I can just go around to my mums or a friends house.

    Is one incident of violence too much? Should I be packing up and going back to the uk today? I love my husband and I dont know what to do. I know that type of behavior is completely unacceptable, but do I walk away from a good marriage and everything it took to get here just because of this one incident?

  7. #25
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    Can't tell you what to do. I think that is something you have to come to terms with either way.

    I'll never forget the first time my husband slapped me hard across my face. I was in shock, disbelief! I had no clue he would ever do such a thing. (I spent time in the mirror assessing his finger marks on my face, to be certain it did happen). I spent the day, weeks, ruminating over what had happened, still in shock and disbelief. I think I was a bit paralyzed by my own shock.

    So when it happened again... instead of shock, ...I blamed myself. I blamed me for not leaving at the first slap. Then shame set in, and thus began a cycle of my erroding sense of worth to anything on this planet.

    I do not think my situation is a rare one, quite the opposite. Not sure of any statistics, however, it is my belief that when there is abuse, then it often cycles, and as it cycles through time, it tends to also gradually escalate.

    So many years later, I did find myself again, in a relationship that had a more covert like abusive dynamic and it at one point escalated to violence. My partner and I happened to be in couples counseling when the incident occurred. So we did get lots of guidance from this therapist on how to deal with such a situation.

    The first goal was to stop the cycle of abusive dynamics.
    The next goal was reunification.

    In between that there were clear objectives to be met.
    Clear that the abusive party needed to come clean, admit fault, take responsibility, and do intensive work in solo sessions. The other party also needed to do solo sessions. Couples sessions were halted immediately. Therapist would decide if the parties had done sufficient work to begin a reunification process. ...etc.

    So imo, when abuse/violence is involved in a relationship, then the way I see it is that there needs to be a full stop in the relationship as we know it. And a huge revamping needs to occur...and parties need to do some earnest work, redefine things, and lots of introspection must occur... THEN...the pair can attempt reunification with therapy guidance.

    That is just how I see it now.

    Personally, I would be worried anything less would be misconstrued by my partner as condoning violence between us.

    I spent many years "pretending" many things were ok because I felt my lack of denial was the actual issue.... that was a hard issue to overcome. Helps if I reverse and pop other people in my scenario... would I be ok if this were my niece? What advice would I give her?
    ”Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but ultimately they are indistinguishable.” ― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

  8. The following 3 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (08-27-2017),Manya (08-27-2017),weepingwillow (08-27-2017)

  9. #26
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    I am so sorry that your husband 'lost it' threw a can at you. Like you I would find that upsetting...more so if he did not apologise or express remorse. Can not tell you if this is a deal breaker. Abuse like everything is somewhat individualistically defined. Know a couple who bellow at and biff each other...is just how they are...part of their family culture...would not suit me however have spoken to the women involved...she told me that she did not take this argy-bargy seriously...took it in her stride - was not an issue. Others think differently hit hem once and they are out of there. Others fall somewhere between these two extremes.

    in a similar position I would probably give my partner an ultimatum...'if you ever etc, etc ' and monitor the situation. Given that this was an out of character act by him hopefully it is a one off. But, accept that how you react from this point must be your decision.

    Hope what I have shared helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  10. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (08-27-2017)

  11. #27
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    Domestic violence

    My husband physically abuses me and tortures me mentally. We have 2 kids and because of all the abuse ovet the past couple of years, I've become very depressed. He says if i ever leave him, he'll use my depression against me to get the kids. He has held a knife to me many times. Other than yelling out in hopes that one of my neighbours would come and help me (no one ever did) i have no proof of his abuse. I dont know what to do.

  12. #28
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    I am sorry you are in this situation...can relate to it. Thing that finally made me leave was the negative impact that living with abuse was having on my son. Reckoned I was making the choice to stay (well not seeing that I had other choices) one my son had no control over...had to live with the consequences of.

    Like your husband my partner used threats to emotionally control me...did this forcefully enough to make me think that I had no safe way forward. Thing that helped me was to contact staff at my local DV shelter...they helped me to see that leaving was an option...that with planning (which they helped me with) it was possible to do this in a way that minimised the risk of harm coming to me and my son. Other thing I did was meet with a legal advisor she helped me set things up ahead of leaving to ensure that I did all possible to protect my property and other rights...also to prepare for the custody battle I knew my partner was likely to mount...reassured me that courts were unlikely to deny a mother custody of her child/ren without a very, very good reason.

    Have to say that leaving was not easy...but like many before me I survived - went on to build a good life for myself and my son.

    I hope what I have shared helps you as you look at your options and decide on what is best for you and your children. Imo no one deserves to be abused...nor any child to live with abuse.

    For you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  13. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (09-01-2017),Manya (09-05-2017)

  14. #29
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    Spouse attacks you then calls the police to say you abused him

    I am only beginning to be able to be able to talk about what happened to me. I had pretty bad self esteem, and so went with the first guy who seemed interested in having kids with me. Things moved quickly. He seemed like a sweet, humble, loving guy. I was six months pregnant when I moved in with him and realized too late that the humble, mellow, loving personality was all marijuana. Without the low level buzz he maintained most of the time he was a real monster. A few months after the first baby was born, and while I was pregnant with our second, he physically attacked me during an argument. I didn't know what hit me. He came from behind and slammed me into a wall and pounced on me when I hit the floor. He started swinging fists at me face and smacking me in the head. And this wasn't the worst of it. He stopped swinging his fists and said "I'm not going to jail". He went to the phone and called 911 and stated "she's attacking me and the baby". When the police arrived I was out of my mind and hysterical, and he was calm and rational. I couldn't believe that this was happening. The police believed him and threatened to haul me off to jail. He acted the "good guy" and said no don't take her to jail I'll handle this. I can't even begin to describe what life was like after that. Of course I was terrified what he might do to the baby. He'd tried to leave the baby many times with a man I didn't like. who later was convicted of child molestation and committed suicide. Going to lawyers, family courts, family counselors was useless. I couldn't prove anything and in the eyes of the police he'd had more credibility than me, and so he had more credibility than me everywhere; and the child molester guy hadn't been caught yet so I had no proof there either. If I left him he'd get 50% custody of the baby, and he'd already let me know he was a killer and would leave the baby with unsavory characters. There was nothing I could do. I was stuck. The system was a brick wall. That my daughter could be killed or molested was a chillinglly real possibility and I was on my own with this knowledge.

  15. #30
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    More from Original Poster

    Hello I am the original poster. I wanted to explain why I am posting this now. I did eventually get away from this man to some degree. I divorced him. My kids stayed unharmed physically and unmolested sexually. He was able to continue to abuse through the family court system by filing petition after petition every few months for years on end; which kept us on the financial edge for a long time and the kids grew up in poverty even though my income was OK. I have to look at it that it could have been so much worse for the kids than financial difficulties. I was able eventually to get the courts to stop allowing and encouraging this behavior. But I felt crazy and terribly victimized for a long time. I lost most of my family through this, because in their eyes (and with my husband's "I hate to have to tell you this about your sister ...") I was abusive toward this sweet loving solid man and I was a monster. I had to face the awful truth about my family that they didn't think too much of me and didn't love me very strongly and were eating up the lurid stories told by my husband. I am telling my story now because my kids are almost grown and we are through it. The dangers are behind us now. The kids are OK. When it hit me that the nightmare was essentially over, I instead of relief, I am suddenly disabled with muscle spasms and physical pain with no discernible physical cause. I find myself visiting doctors who can't help me. I don't have to be so strong and tough anymore and I'm falling to pieces. I feel like I have seen the ugliness in so many, many people while trying to raise up children. There was no help, no support and mostly lawyers and family courts trying to make a buck off this nightmare. My extended family seemed to be in it for bites of gossip and putting me down and sincerely gleefully enjoying this pain of me and my kids. Where I should feel relief, I am bitter, angry and rapidly becoming disabled by this. I'm afraid of most people. I trust no one. Life seems like so much ugliness. I don't want to be this person. Where do we go from here? How do I walk myself and my kids into the sunshine, so to speak; and out of all this darkness? Has anyone else been to this place? Were you able to laugh and be light again? How did you get there? Is it possible to trust anything or anyone again?

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