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Thread: Domestic Violence

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
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    Domestic Violence

    Hello all,

    I am new the community. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have only had one abusive relationship. It last from the time I was 21 until I was 26. I met this man when I was 17 years old.

    I am new to the survivor community. I still feel shame about having been a victim. I have been blamed for the abuse. I have been blamed for retaliating. I have been emotionally abused, name-called... I can't even count how many times he physically hurt me.

    I don't want to admit I am a shell of my former self. Any guidance in how to recover is appreciated.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to leolady22 for this useful post:

    freedom2016 (11-25-2017),weepingwillow (11-11-2016)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
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    Is it my fault that he threatened to hit me?

    My husband and I have been arguing the last 3 hours. He called me names, put me down, saying I was in a hole before I married him and I should look at what he's given me...not the 1st time and when I got really angry after he said he would take responsabilities away from me (he couldn't take my phone cause I told him it was a gift though he tried) I slammed my fist down on a bureau a few times. He feels like everything he owns he poured his life blood into it and I know he hates it when I do that. So he grabbed my sweater by the neck collar, twisted it a bit and brought my face close to his and said with a fist in my face that if I did it again he would hit me in the face. He walked away and I stupidly at one point later hit the files on his desk with my fist, and he walked up fast and made a fist as if he was going to hit me so I moved my head back.

    Last week I couldn't see something well, so he got impatient grabbed my head and neck to move me over. My neck had no bruise but it hurt for about 15 minutes after.

    When we argue we say things that are not nice to one another so I feel like I didn't help.

    Is it my fault cause I slammed my fist on the desk?

  4. #3
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    i like to think in terms of problem-solving rather than in terms of "whose fault it was". cuz whosever fault it was, problem remains, you know. i personally wouldnt be happy with my partner grabbing me by neck, clothes, or holding fists in front of my face. just not something im ok with, i speak english and prefer it when both of us use words instead of fists. on the other hand, i wouldnt tolerate my partner yelling or slamming fists on furniture either; id ask them to leave, and if they refused - i would absolutely call the police about domestic disturbance they're creating, file for divorce and order of protection too (since they didnt leave when i asked them to). i just dont like violence.

    but thats just me. if you're happy with this relationship style, where both of you say mean things and slam fists and yell and whatnot - idk why does it matter whose fault is it? if youre both happy with this arrangement, you know? and if you arent happy with it - maybe marriage counseling or just a calm conversation could help negotiate some sorta compromise? i.e. that both of you will keep your hands to yourself? i mean, of course he shouldnt touch you and you shouldnt slam your fists on furniture, but life happens, if youre happy where you are and there are no children involved - i guess its a free country. and if you wanna change something - i figure that would take changes on both his and your side, not just his. even if i was ok with violence, i wouldnt stay in a relationship where my partner is the only one perpetrating it, you know...

    for you and your husband
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  5. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (12-05-2016),Tasha1701D (12-05-2016),weepingwillow (12-05-2016)

  6. #4
    Unregistered Guest

    Grew up with domestic violence, need an understanding outlet

    I'm really uncertain if I am in the right place.
    I grew up with domestic violence in the 80's, witnessed some horrible things as a small child. I've dealt pretty well with life but I'm currently having therapy and realise I want to share some of my disturbing and traumatic stories with people who can understand, relate, and also understand the things I feel today.
    The effects of the violence have waxed and waned- I've done well at burying the memories - and I guess I thought they would just get dimmer and dimmer but they don't and as I confront my parents ageing and the problems in the family I feel terrible guilt, sadness and anger around the situation I was forced into as a small child and the way I have consequentaly struggled as an adult.
    Do I just share here? can anyone relate to what I am saying? I woud just love for someone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel' and not 'that must have been really hard for you'. I want to share with people who understand as I never have had that chance before.
    Thank you for reading and any for comments.

  7. #5
    Join Date
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    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi sorry to hear what you have been through, but glad that you are now working with a qualified professional. I hope having their input continues to help as you process and heal from the not ok stuff that you lived through...it's ongoing impact on your life and well-being.

    You ask if this site will provide you with the opportunity to meet with others who know the experience of abuse. Can only speak for myself almost as soon as I walked in the door (figuratively ) I felt right at home here, like I belonged. Most of all that I had a safe place to discuss and share my issues.

    Easy to join too. Click on the guidelines tab...have a read. If these sit ok with you, complete and submit the online membership application form. Once your form is recieved and your application approved you will be access the full site including the members' only sections.

    Looking forward to seeing you onsite...wearing your member's hat if you decide to take the next step - register.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    freedom2016 (11-25-2017)

  9. #6
    Tasha1701D's Avatar
    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
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    Penguins & hugs work, no prayers or religious refs
    I really relate to how witnessing violence as a kid can have consequences later on in life. I'm dealing with the consequences of what happened around me as a kid, as well as the abuse I was subjected to. It has been really hard for me, because I didn't want to call what I had experienced abuse, it was just too hard for me. I've been working with my therapist trying to resolve the trauma I went through, and that's been really hard. I'm kinda having a hard day and don't feel up to writing out a lot of what I experienced as a kid, but I shared a little bit of what it felt like for me growing up in DV in this library page. for you. Hope you find the support you're looking for.
    ~Tasha

    May you have peace, live long, and prosper.

    "On the starship Enterprise, no one is alone." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard in The Bonding, ST:TNG Season 3
    "Seize the time, Meribor-live now! Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard as Kamin in The Inner Light, ST:TNG Season 5

  10. The following user says thank you to Tasha1701D for this useful post:

    Jane (02-28-2017)

  11. #7
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you both for your replies to my post. It encourages me to go further. I read your library post Tasha1701D and could relate to some things there. I will come back and join up as a member and try things out. Wishing you both well and thanks again.

  12. #8
    So stuck Guest

    Help

    I just don't know what to do ... I'm in a relationship that is killing me one day at a time ... I try so hard to keep the peace cause I do care about the emotional drama he is going through ... but he is so rude to me .. not picks at everything... all ways looking for a fight ... he never have anything nice to say .. he's a drunk and his behaviour is getting worse he's breaking things .. he landed up in hospital conscious... but he just can't see he has issues ... anyway I did so much for him today and he came home and got drunk then through our only source of heating by smashing it on the floor ... then I lost it I got up and pushed him to get him out of my room .. then his anger and his verbal abuse towards me got out of control ... I know I have to get out ... but I'm so isolated now from my friends a family because I have been so embarrassed...I just want to pack up and leave ... but all our money is tied together and I have no one to turn to .. to help me

  13. #9
    Join Date
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    i understand that he's rude, drinks, breaks things, etc. however, that doesnt make it ok to physically assault him. drinking is not a crime, while losing it and pushing him is. violence prevention programs vary by country, our help page might have some useful links/phone numbers
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  14. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-18-2017)

  15. #10
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    Welcome.
    What country are you in? From what you say, this certainly doesn't seem like a healthy relationship from both sides. I am sorry you are in this situation. I would maybe take the advice from the poster above me. Do you want to leave the relationship? If you do but you are scared to there are organisations that can help you.

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