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Thread: Hoping someone understands

  1. #1
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    Hoping someone understands

    I not sure where to begin this. I guess I feel alone in my situation. If I tell others I look foolish because I deal with name calling, put downs, devaluation of my feelings, control, and just an overall sense of negativity. I feel foolish putting it out there for others outside of my therapist to see. I question myself daily as to how I can fix my situation, what I can do to prevent him from seeing me in a negative manner, how he can see the good in me, how I can be someone he wants to be around, why I'm not good enough, why I ruin it all...I have put so much effort into bettering myself for my family and it all goes unnoticed. I'm told I'm making no progress...I feel no one understands where I am in life. Or how I feel. Or how much I struggle everyday...how hard I try to be right and do things the right way...I love this man intensely. He shows love too...but if I need someone he's gone...if I talk about my feelings he doesn't want to hear it. I'm dramatic or over sensitive. I guess I'm probably not in the best state of mind to write this and have it make complete sense. I just feel utterly alone and wish someone understood that a life of emotional abuse is a hard cycle to break and that loving someone who can be hurtful is incredibly hard because there is so much love....I'm lost today. I'm not sure whats right or wrong. All I know is I have to survive.

  2. #2
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    i hear what youre saying. been in unhealthy relationships too, know what it feels like. i think theres no way really to be "good enough" in a situation where my worth and human value are determined by someone else. i'll just never be good enough cuz they keep changing expectations, and cuz their expectations might be way through the roof. like youre saying, youre putting tons of effort into being a better spouse, and he doesnt seem to, cuz he isnt there when you need him. yet he's the one who decides if youre good or bad, and he's also the one who decides if he himself is good or bad. so no matter what you do he's cool and youre doomed. cuz its just not up to you, its up to him. know what i mean?

    helped me to separate these things a little, to explore/develop my own opinions about things. he has his opinion on my worth, and i have mine, and our opinions differ, and its cool. people have different opinions all the time, not the end of the world, we can still love each other. if we do. cuz thats also up to both of us to figure out, for him to figure out if he loves me, for me to figure out if i love him, for both of us to figure out if what we're getting from this relationship is worth the effort we're putting into it, etc. i mean, we could love each other remotely too, doesnt mean we gotta spend our lives together. people pair up cuz they support each other, its easier to live together than alone, to share the joys and burdens with someone. kinda the whole purpose of marriage. while if im carrying all of my burdens myself, and he puts his burdens on top of that too, for me to carry as well - im getting the short end of the stick here, i woulda been better off on my own. can still love him, from distance. idk, i love my aunt, doesnt mean i gotta move in with her...

    for you
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  3. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (11-09-2016),Solitary (11-09-2016),weepingwillow (11-11-2016)

  4. #3
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    Hear you and can relate.

    Like what Manya has shared. Helped me to get real objective...to try and rise above the strong emotional messages from my heart. Did this by looking at my situation as though I was a non-involved party. Found that this gave me a clearer perspective. Realised that although I felt emotionally connected to this man...I needed more than that, to feel like an equal partner, to be respected, to have enough calm and predictability to be able to relax and enjoy my life. Was clear the situation I was in was not promoting or giving me what I wanted. Brought me to the point of realizing that my partner and I were on different paths...seeking different things.

    Dropping the angst out of the situation, reflecting on my own goals and values helped me to see that living with this man was not right for me.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (11-09-2016),weepingwillow (11-11-2016)

  6. #4
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    mine too was emotionally unavailable, and has evolved

    I think males are not born with the capacity to relate well on emotional subjects. If your fellow hears you, hears your views about anything, any subject, and adapts his behavior to accommodate you - he will likely come to realize how much his emotional support means to you. If he's indifferent about the things that matter to you, then change will be very difficult to achieve. You can spend a lot of time trying to find fulfillment in a relationship that doesn't accommodate you, and IME that time is precious. If you're feeling like you're not being given all you need, is it worth putting your energy into?

  7. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mousy View Post
    I think males are not born with the capacity to relate well on emotional subjects.
    i think nobody is born with that capacity. here's an article on the subject, explaining how children develop empathy, seems like we get there around the age of 5-6yo. according to the simon baron-cohen study on adults with asperger syndrome or high-functioning autism and normal sex differences, men tend to score about 19% lower on empathizing and about 17% higher on systemazing, compared to women. however, this difference, while significant for research purposes, is barely noticeable in practical life: an average woman "gets it" 2.93 times out of 10, while an average men "gets it" 2.36 times out of 10.

    i dont think abuse/kindness a gender issue: we have great members of both genders who were abused by people of both genders as well, so clearly both men and women are capable of both abuse and kindness
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  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (11-19-2016),weepingwillow (11-19-2016)

  9. #6
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    Agree with manya and the research she cites (and my personal experience) that men, women, fluid gendered people are born with very similar EQ potential...that gender is not really a significant factor influencing this aspect of a person's life...think environmental, social and cultural experiences make a bigger impact on whether the person sits at the cold or warm end of the spectrum...or somewhere in the middle.

    Have a friend (like her a lot) but she sure is not my go to person when I need a supportive, listening ear. Her whole family not into 'touchy feely' at all. Are 'let's cut to the chase' and take action kinda people. Practical rather than emotionally driven. Good to have round in an emergency...remember things like putting injured people into the recovery position, checking their airway etc...but definitely out of their comfort zone when it comes to offering emotional support.

    My thoughts and experience for what they are worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  10. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (11-19-2016)

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