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Thread: Not sure how move forward from here.

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Not sure how move forward from here.

    I had been dating a girl who has a 2 year old and was also pregnant. We got along well for the majority of the relationship until we began arguing. I understand her mindset of wanting a man who is going to be there for her children 100% but at the point we began arguing I felt it wasn't wise to commit.

    Our arguments began small and soon spiraled out of control. I'm not proud of it but after arguing for a while I became emotionally abusive. Telling her to leave me and find someone better, that I couldn't commit fully to being a father this soon, trying to make her feel guilty about our arguments despite me wildly over-reacting and crossing the line.

    I had a very good relationship with her daughter. It was my first time handing a 2 year old and I was distant at first but fell in love the day she crawled across my lap as we were out eating to give me a big hug and kiss.

    The past three weeks she had been very distant and didn't bring her daughter along anymore. The last time she spent time together she was wouldn't look at me, spoke very little and didn't react to me touching or trying to kiss her. She rolled over on her back. This when I realized how badly I had treated her. I just let her sleep that day rubbed her back or kissed her on the head. I apologized and told her I didn't realize how close I was to losing her until that moment. Then last Fri she decided we should split for now. She wants to focus on her and her two children and suggested we'd either try again or just remain friends.

    Then yesterday she was rushed to the hospital and induced due to pre-eclampsia. Despite all I had said I was really looking forward to being there this little boys birth. I was anxious and depressed all day. Even though we have broken up and she said all order of things about me not being the same person she fell in love with, that she'll never see me the same way she said she still cares deeply about me and doesn't hate me she's been in contact with me as if we never split up and has been sending me pics of videos of her holding and feeding the baby before posting them on facebook or sending them to family members. She even said she had her mother record video of the birth and her daughters reaction to meeting her baby brother and will send them to me as soon as she gets home and said I may be able to come over a little while and meet him.

    None the less it's been an emotional past two days and I'm confused by her behavior. Aside from us officially breaking up things haven't really changed much, and the last two nights on the phone she seemed disappointed/saddened by me not saying I love you before hanging up. She just gets quite when I skip I love you and say goodbye. I'm holding onto hope she'll forgive me and I have a chance to make everything right, but I haven't gone into detailed discussion with her regarding that possibility because I feel it's selfish to ask her to consider such a thing when she's plenty busy welcoming a her son into the world.

  2. #2
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    Hi read your story...have been in the position where I have said things in the heat of the moment and later regretted them...unfortunately can not undo what is done. Found the best thing is to apologize.

    Can not say it is a factor but wonder how much her late pregnancy and period leading up to her being dx with pre-eclampsia effected her ability to cope and reactiveness...could have been a factor.

    I do not feel that this time (immediately following and adjusting to becoming a mother for the second time) is an appropriate time to discuss the whys or wherefores of how you have both acted and said. I do however think it is a wise decision to get to know each other really well, sort out that you have the same values and relationship goals before you contemplate a serious relationship and/or marriage. Is a big step impacting on all those involved - imo not one to enter into if either of you are not certain that it is the right thing.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
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    you know, a weird speculation from another angle. im just putting myself in her shoes for a sec. i got a 2yo and a baby coming up, and i got this guy who doesnt wanna commit and with whom we argue tons. some other time i mighta invested more in this relationship, but atm im stretched thin here, i dont have the time/stamina to sort through our issues, i need him to either step up and support me or get going. i mean, i got a baby the size of a watermelon in my belly lol, really not the time to do the whole romance/drama thing. i mean, you heard how women are in the middle of giving birth - really not a good time to have discussions about anything whatsoever lol.

    and now that the boy was born and im coming to terms with my new life, that now includes two kids - im kinda waiting and seeing if the guy is going to stick around or not. i got a new baby, wanna share the joy, wanna get support, etc. i mean, we were dating for a while, he seemed to care overall, people dont just stop caring the second they break up, you know? whether we're gonna get back together as a couple or not - if he still cares, he gonna text, call, ask to see the baby, send me teddy bears and balloons and whatnot, say he loves me, etc. i mean, we dont have to be lovers for that, you know? if he doesnt do that - to me that translates that that whole relationship was a mistake, i was seeing something that wasnt there to begin with, he never really cared. while if he does do all these things - thats a huge reassurance that he's not a bad guy overall, i shouldnt cut him lose. idk if we gonna get back together or not, but he's a keeper either way, if only as a friend.

    i mean, im just taking the whole romance thing out of equation for a sec to see if theres anything left there. cuz with two kids i need more than friends with benefits or dinners with candle light, i need an actual partner who'll be there for me and my kids. if that partner is there - then we can bring back romance np. if he isnt - then whatever for...

    im not saying thats whats going on of course, no idea, just something i was thinking of while reading your post.

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  4. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jobriel (11-02-2016)

  5. #4
    Unregistered Guest
    Yeah I'm pretty sure this has little to do with the commitment part. We were never friend with benefits and we dated a while before becoming serious. The things I said weren't just in the heat of the moment, I said things that really did hurt her. Some of our arguments ended with her going to bed crying. I never called her any names or threatened her or her children, I just said things that made her question how much I actually cared and why I was even involved with her to begin with. We're both emotionally damaged from childhood sexual abuse and past bad relationships. She had been in a few abusive relationships that were more physically abusive than anything else but none the less she's said that she had become distant and quiet because she was afraid I would hurt her or her daughter. She literally thought I was going to rape or beat her like her ex did despite the fact I've never raised hand to her or even my voice to her in person. Everything I did and said was mainly through text.

    We had an understanding before all this that we were in love but that I'm not in a position financially to care for her and the children and I felt it's too soon having only been together for 6 months. I'm just dumbfounded as to how she broke up with me but is still keeping me in her life as if nothing ever happened between us.

  6. #5
    Unregistered Guest
    Well good news is she's home safe and I get to come visit little man tomorrow afternoon. I'll update once I know what's going on with us.

  7. #6
    Unregistered Guest
    The visit went well. I dropped off a pack of diapers and got to hold him and we talked for a bit about him. She said as far as us moving "We'll see". Took a ton of weight off my chest to see them and her little girl again.

  8. #7
    Unregistered Guest
    Well things have improved some. We got talking last night and although she danced around it she says she still loves me but is afraid I'll hurt her again. All I could suggest is the two of us spend time at the park and bounce house with the kids and work on building a friendship and try to rebuild trust from there. She agreed.

    She literally can't talk about us without lashing out and saying hurtful things.... It's been a month but the emotional wounds are still fresh with her. I just hope I can fix things, I love her to death but it seems the damage has been done.

  9. #8
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    Glad that you are both starting to communicate...hopefully staying calm and doing this will help you both to sort out the issues you have recently experienced.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  10. #9
    Unregistered Guest
    Well I always suspected she had feelings for the guy she dated between her divorce and meeting me. She says she saw me changing but doesn't want us. Claims she doesn't wanna date him but I call BS. its done.

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