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Thread: Need a hand to hold for a while.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    1

    Need a hand to hold for a while.

    The short story, I got very sick 4 years ago. The result of a medical test gone horribly awry.
    Found out on April fools 2013 that darling hubby was on dating/sex sites while I was stuck on my couch on the blood clot death watch. I was working thru that and found more stuff. It continued, he swore it was not happening, called me crazy, etc.
    I have PTSD, and you know how that turned out. I lost it for a while. Panic attacks, weight loss, (95 pounds, and a size 0) blackouts.

    We came through this, but the gaslighting never stopped. He never stopped. He moved out in May 2015 with the idea that we would work on stuff.
    But he blames me for all the things he did. I am overly emotional etc. Crazy and manipulative is another thing he says. I always try to lay low, and not get him upset.
    Yesterday, I blew. It was a normal occurrence for me but he normally doesn't have a clue, cause he does not live here to see my mental breakdowns. Small thing started the ping pong balls in my head, and I texted a slightly nasty message.
    Anyhoo, out came the verbal knives. I am vindictive he says. I am manipulative he says. I can also dish it out, just sayin. Yesterday, I didn't. I sat back and let him vent all of the ills I do to the world.
    ON many levels I know he does this to make me feel like it's all my fault that this all came about. He calls me all sorts of things to make me truly feel like if I just sit down and shut up, and take whatever he dishes out, it will all be better. He is the best thing in the world he basically says. I am a turnip in his mind.

    This is pretty much it however. I think I need to stay away and get my ducks in a row. I have my three girls at home and they need me to not be the dishrag anymore. I need to be who I was before all of this.
    It is going to get nasty now. Like it wasn't before, right?

    I keep telling myself that I am not disposable. With all of the things that were going on, I have felt ugly and useless for so long now.
    I am not crazy for wanting my partner to stay off sex sites. I am not crazy for wanting to understand the finances so that things get paid. I am not being unreasonable.
    But then I also know, that someone who loves and truly wants to be with you doesn't make you feel like a gnat.
    I know what I need to do. I just need some help to keep going forward. I am a real person, and I think I deserve to be happy.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to pale for this useful post:

    MadelaineJennae (09-08-2016),weepingwillow (09-07-2016)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Kent, England
    Posts
    280
    Affection
    Please no prayers, be gentle all is new and scary
    Hi Pale,
    Welcome to FR from a relative newbie :-)
    "I think I need to stay away and get my ducks in a row. I have my three girls at home and they need me to not be the dishrag anymore."
    your daughters will see you as the role model for their own futures, whether that's to not end up themselves in an abusive relationship, or to do so. So I'm glad for you and for them that you have found a way to start making healthier choices thumbs up to you.
    I have a note in my living room that I did so I remember "M-Y being a doormat is a lousy job choice, it's time for a career change Now!" I see that every morning when I leave my bedroom and it does help remind me where I don't want to be.

    "I keep telling myself that I am not disposable. With all of the things that were going on, I have felt ugly and useless for so long now."
    No human being anywhere in the world is disposable, you especially are not. You have 3 daughters who need you to remind them of how beautiful, special and unique they are.
    Btw you too are all those things + brave, you are still here, still fighting despite everything that is going on, resourceful you found FR, articulate - I had no probs reading what you said so for you
    My biological parents told me (repeatedly) I was so ugly I "made the Elephant Man look handsome" like what you're ex says lies, lies and yet more lies. I've learn there are very few truly ugly people in the world, yes there are some The Moors murders, Hitler, John & Rosemary West, suicide bombers, my parents. Get my drift? From what I've read so far you don't fit into this list.
    "I am not crazy for wanting my partner to stay off sex sites" He may not get STD from cyber sex it's still cheating and you'd be crazy if you wanted him to stay on, not for wanting him to come off.
    "I am not crazy for wanting to understand the finances so that things get paid." it's called being an adult and responsible parenting. No sign of craziness there.
    " I am not being unreasonable." Now I may be biased because I'm on FR but I I've seen no sign of unreasonableness
    "But then I also know, that someone who loves and truly wants to be with you doesn't make you feel like a gnat."
    I'm so that with all his lying, cheating, calculating behaviour he's not taken that knowledge from you.
    "I know what I need to do. I just need some help to keep going forward. I am a real person, and I think I deserve to be happy."
    I hope that you'll find all the help you need to do this, be gentle with yourself, there's a lot of healing and mending to do. Fairy steps are still progress.
    MadelaineJennae Front Person for "Ny's People"

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