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Thread: The first time

  1. #1
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    The first time

    They say you never forget your first time. I feel doomed 😭 I was a virgin before this happened. Will this experience haunt me for the rest of my life? I was advised lies to tell future partners about why my hymen is torn. Am I that disgusting? Are my options to lie/hide this humiliation or have my future dates turn into pity parties?

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  3. #2
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    Hi, personally I do not think that you need to make full disclosures when you are dating. I went through the same thing when I was dating my husband. I was nervous about speaking about stuff about my past. We were well into our relationship, and talking about marriage, before I even told him...he was supportive, and only cared about me. Made me feel good about marrying him, that I could be honest without judgment.

    I know not every guy is like that, but they are out there. Not saying you gotta say anything, I think that is up to you. Just my opinion though
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    Jane (09-13-2016)

  5. #3
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    So I'm not sure if the hymen being intact is important for you for any specific reason, but I can tell you that physiologically a non-intact hymen doesn't really mean much. A lot of things can cause it to tear such as an accident, or even just exercising (also some women just never really have one at all). If you have sex and your partner notices and asks I guess having an answer ready could be helpful...but it certainly isn't anything to be ashamed of.

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  7. #4
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    Idk, if someone asks how many partners I have been with, I do not feel it is a lie to not include rapes. I think most people who ask about your sexual past will not feel it a lie to not include rape.

    I tend to not think of it as a lie. I think of it as how I understand what info they are trying to gather.

    Also, if a guys asks how many I "had sex" with.
    Not sure if I want to call a rape, "I had sex with....(this guy raping me)"
    That to me is not the same as "having sex" or "my first time having sex."

    But yea, I can see why it can feel weird.
    Cause in my head I do have a vision of the rapes and have to consciously decide if to include them or not.
    That moment kinda sucks and feels weird sometimes.

  8. #5
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    btw we have a great page in library about it, 12 things no one told me about sex after rape. author's first experience was a rape too, and she talks of how it worked for her, to have romantic/sexual relationships after that.

    random thought about pity parties - in my personal experience people who cant relate to what im talking about (e.g. im talking of having been raped while they have never been raped and dont know what its like) - they tend to adopt my perspective. just cuz they dont have their own, you know. if i speak of it as of something major that ruined my life and that means i'll never be able to have a normal happy healthy relationship with anyone - they trust my word on it and thats how they gonna treat me. if i speak of it as a nasty thing that happened long ago, that im mostly over, but that sometimes still causes glitches here and there - thats how they will perceive it as well, and will treat me accordingly. just saying if i dont want a pity party - i dont create it, its mostly up to me, the partner will go along with my version nine times out of ten. some (few, in my experience) people freak out initially, asking if my past rape means we cant have a normal relationship - i can just lol and tell them that nah, i've had "normal" relationships since then, not an issue. or i can tell them that idk, never tried yet, willing to give it a shot and see what happens. or whatever else, however i feel about it.

    people ask about prior history just to gauge level of experience, so as not to hurt me, cuz its something we do together, you know. kinda like if we go skydiving together they ask if i done it before, just to know where im standing - lotsa experience and dont need any help, no experience and need help and to be kept an eye on, bad prior experience and need extra safety measures to reassure me im safe, etc.

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  10. #6
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    Idk seems to me how I would react to this situation depends on quite a few factors. How far I have come on my healing journey...whether it is still impacting on my present perceptions and reactions towards sex and how. How much I want and feel comfortable disclosing.

    In the past I have also disclosed enough to test my partner's response to my history...for me it is a deal breaker if they are non-sensitive and judgemental about this aspect of my life. Don't mind them asking me questions (that I can chose or chose not to answer) but I would probably walk away if they jumped to conclusions or force their opinions on me. Once I have decided that they are the right one for me (and they have decided the same) I find it is important to keep the lines of communication open and feedback and adjust things based on what is and is not working...no different really to any intimate relationship.
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  11. #7
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    Thanks for the responses. I shouldn't worry too much since I probably won't date again.

  12. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivory View Post
    Thanks for the responses. I shouldn't worry too much since I probably won't date again.
    I am so sorry that you had this experience and I truly do understand your statement above.
    That said I'd like to tell you a little about me just in case down the road you want to rethink
    about your position. I'm absolutely 100% NOT saying it's wrong just sharing my own experience.
    I was raped from 2-16 yrs by same people. At 17 was raped by a stranger and got pregnant (my daughter was
    stillborn at 26 weeks).
    Like you I decided that I was better off alone. Various other things happened throughout the next few years.
    Then in my late 30's I met a man who over time became a dear friend until one day we both realised that for
    us both it was more than friendship. I was scared I'd had so many bad experiences that even though I knew I
    loved him and trusted him could I really be sure?
    Short answer is Yes, I decided that my abusers had, had as much of my life as they were going to get. It was my
    life and I would live it.
    I never regretted one moment of my life with my SO and would do it allover again in a heartbeat.
    I wish you all the very best as you come to terms with what happened and I'm glad you found FR
    MadelaineJennae Front Person for "Ny's People"

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  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MadelaineJennae View Post
    I am so sorry that you had this experience and I truly do understand your statement above.
    That said I'd like to tell you a little about me just in case down the road you want to rethink
    about your position. I'm absolutely 100% NOT saying it's wrong just sharing my own experience.
    I was raped from 2-16 yrs by same people. At 17 was raped by a stranger and got pregnant (my daughter was
    stillborn at 26 weeks).
    Like you I decided that I was better off alone. Various other things happened throughout the next few years.
    Then in my late 30's I met a man who over time became a dear friend until one day we both realised that for
    us both it was more than friendship. I was scared I'd had so many bad experiences that even though I knew I
    loved him and trusted him could I really be sure?
    Short answer is Yes, I decided that my abusers had, had as much of my life as they were going to get. It was my
    life and I would live it.
    I never regretted one moment of my life with my SO and would do it allover again in a heartbeat.
    I wish you all the very best as you come to terms with what happened and I'm glad you found FR
    Thank you. You're so brave. I really admire you.

    I'm devastated to think I not only can't date but that I'll never be able to have children because of this. I couldn't take the morning after pill because of it. I've not taken a pregnancy test because I don't know what scares me more, becoming a single mother or the thought of being childless 😭

  15. #10
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    Please no prayers, be gentle all is new and scary
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivory View Post
    Thank you. You're so brave. I really admire you.

    I'm devastated to think I not only can't date but that I'll never be able to have children because of this. I couldn't take the morning after pill because of it. I've not taken a pregnancy test because I don't know what scares me more, becoming a single mother or the thought of being childless 😭
    Ivory,
    Thank you for your words, to be honest with you I'm just another survivor getting through each day as it comes
    Please, please don't let this terrible situation now wreck your whole future.
    I really do understand that life right now feels like and you know what? Those are all perfectly valid feelings and are part of what is keeping you safe in the moment.
    Down the road things can be different though
    Thinking of you and feel free to PM if you want to, I won't be offended if you don't
    MadelaineJennae Front Person for "Ny's People"

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