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Thread: Seeking My Self

  1. #1
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    Seeking My Self

    I am sitting around today and I'm not feeling much like myself at all. I have been on a downward spiral it seems like for 20 or more years. I try to make improvements in my life and for myself but it falls apart. I am in a state that I know nothing about and I am alone. I moved here thinking that I could get help to see what my problems where but it seems that things are worse. I'm laughing to myself daily about this because I'm like a person looking out a window and wanting to socialize and keep it simple with people.
    This never happens its as if the conversation is in a huge vat of food, water, feces, and no one knows that I'm here. IM DROWNING AND DYING IN THIS VAT BECAUSE ITS MY FAULT THAT I DONT KNOW MYSELF. I want to work but I cant bring myself to do certain actions. I want to get benefits but cant seem to bring myself to do certain actions. I want people to feel safe around me and that I'm not going to abandon them or shut down or be extremely quiet. At the same time I'm living in a place where I need to be vigilant to stay aware of the people that I'm around because I don't know them and I don't see them as comfortable enough to walk up to strike up a chat. What would I talk about anyway. My head and mind are in some prism and I'm still in the vat with out a way out.
    I don't feel well most of the time. I've had 2 or 3 good days in over 6 months. I take medications but nothing comes of it. I cant seem to benefit from therapy and when I went to incorporation therapy it worked but it never helped in the long run because I couldn't set boundaries to get away from abusive people in my life. In the end I ended up doing things that I would never have wanted to do to survive if I had not this issue with depression and ptsd. The doctors never want to see the truth, they want to call it what they think it is and I'm telling them no its not like that and It never will be. I spoke to the doctor who worked on the incorporation with me. I actually feel bad that I intruded in someone else's life about what was going on in mine. I cant image how sick I feel inside and how unsafe that feels at times.
    Well Ive got to go as Im being pushed around life as usual. I thank you for your time reading this. I hope that you are all doing much better than I. Look forward to talking further...down the road.

  2. #2
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    Hi schnuki - good to catchup again. Can relate to many of the after effects you mention. is one of the things about abuse...how it leaves even those who go on and funtion ok with lots of under the surface tensions and fears. In my case it is hard for me to consistently stay in my now safe adult reality...not to be washed and influenced by this historical stuff. Has helped me to work with a trauma therapist...kinda a two steps forward and one step back journey. Hard to remember sometimes that although it is slow I am still making progress.

    Sitting with you for a bit...hoping it helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    MadelaineJennae (08-30-2016),Schnucki96 (08-31-2016),weepingwillow (08-27-2016)

  4. #3
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    Please no prayers, be gentle all is new and scary
    Hi schnuki I'm really sorry you feel this way, I hoped I was the only one :-(
    I can't offer you anything practical, but I'm here, hearing you and believing you and believing in you.
    MadelaineJennae Front Person for "Ny's People"

  5. The following user says thank you to MadelaineJennae for this useful post:

    Schnucki96 (08-31-2016)

  6. #4
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    Thanks

    Hi
    Thank you for even speaking to me. I wish my core were larger and that this was not happening to me. I just want it to end the suffering. I cant live on one good day and a glass of water. I just cant do it its not even a way for a human to live. People walk by and people continue to look the other way..its the worst invisible feeling i've ever had.
    thank you

  7. #5
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    Please no prayers, be gentle all is new and scary
    Quote Originally Posted by Schnucki96 View Post
    Hi
    Thank you for even speaking to me. I wish my core were larger and that this was not happening to me. I just want it to end the suffering. I cant live on one good day and a glass of water. I just cant do it its not even a way for a human to live. People walk by and people continue to look the other way..its the worst invisible feeling i've ever had.
    thank you
    I know you're not invisible, but truly I know how it feels to believe you are, because a lot of the time it's how I feel too.
    I want to end the suffering too, but I've learn't that I can't so instead I'm going to be everything good the perps tried to destroy in me.
    I'm going to live each day fully, they had my yesterdays I'm not gifting them toad and tomorrow as well.
    Hope you'll join me in taking control of now, even if it's only a minute at a time.
    If we see each other we can't be invisible
    MadelaineJennae Front Person for "Ny's People"

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to MadelaineJennae for this useful post:

    Jane (08-31-2016),Schnucki96 (09-13-2016)

  9. #6
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    Hi schnuki...

    Hear your description of how you feel. Just want to say I am listening...hear that you are struggling. Thing I do when I start to feel I am not coping is reach out for professional support in 3d ie go to ER or my T. Ensures I get the expert one on one support and help I need to stay safe and get back on track.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  10. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Schnucki96 (09-13-2016)

  11. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jane View Post
    Hi schnuki - good to catchup again. Can relate to many of the after effects you mention. is one of the things about abuse...how it leaves even those who go on and funtion ok with lots of under the surface tensions and fears. In my case it is hard for me to consistently stay in my now safe adult reality...not to be washed and influenced by this historical stuff. Has helped me to work with a trauma therapist...kinda a two steps forward and one step back journey. Hard to remember sometimes that although it is slow I am still making progress.

    Sitting with you for a bit...hoping it helps.
    Thanks Jane
    yes, I'm a bit tired of the two step forwards and two step backwards. You know what happened to me should be very unlawful to go through for anyone who can be vulnerable in a small community. The stigma associated with mental health is ridiculous and unfathomable. Oh its a behavior thing...Well guess what every day I get up and everyday Im working on doing the right thing with my life. I had friends I grew up with, I had a dream of what I wanted my life to be like, I set sail for the real world at some point. Well the real world was very harsh , very abusive, very uncaring. There are people that I have talked to my whole life and now they are just "poof" gone. WOW..I cant fathom how incredibly uncomfortable life really is at this time for me. I have a dream of working with people who deal with poverty and called crazy thier whole life.."Poof" gone..now Im struggling daily. I thank you for sitting with me as at this time I feel like the worn cheesburger that someone left for the dog..poor dog dont want the cheeseburger..lol..

  12. The following user says thank you to Schnucki96 for this useful post:

    Jane (09-13-2016)

  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by MadelaineJennae View Post
    Hi schnuki I'm really sorry you feel this way, I hoped I was the only one :-(
    I can't offer you anything practical, but I'm here, hearing you and believing you and believing in you.
    Thank you so much for your support..I just vented..not sure if that was the right thing to do. I have so much to think about. So much of my dreams no longer a reality ..very sad..
    Thank you

  14. #9
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    Have tried reaching out

    Thank you for your suggestions. The sitution that led me to such disgrace has left me permanetly unable to have therapy as a useful tool for help. I feel that I have been led to believe that this would be the right solution but its is not an option at this time for me. I will keep it in mind If I am ever able to have another opportunity. All of those opportunities have been taken from me too many times. Not sure when Ill get that one back..

  15. The following user says thank you to Schnucki96 for this useful post:

    Jane (09-13-2016)

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