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Thread: New to all of this

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2016

    New to all of this

    Hey everyone,

    This is definitely extremely hard for me to write this out as I've never had the guts to talk about it. This site being online makes me feel ok as I am extremely uncomfortable actually going in talking to a counsellor/therapist which I am almost considering to push myself to doing.
    As this is hard for us all, I'm so proud of each and everyone of you for reaching out and sharing your stories and allowing everyone including myself to know that you're not alone.
    I am having so much trouble with moving forward and allowing what has happened in the past stay in the past. I am in an amazing relationship with this guy who cares so incredibly much about me. I feel extremely horrible that I continue to have this wall in between us. It's like I can't take this wall down because "what if". I trust him, I do. I trust him with all my heart, but again... The wall. I don't want him to ever feel that I am uncomfortable around him or that I don't trust him because that's not the case at all.
    The reason why I have this wall is because the people who I thought I should have trusted the most has used and abused me.
    At the age of 6 or 7 to about 11, my oldest brother had molested/raped me almost daily and forced me to do things I didn't want to do. I thought brothers were to protect you from boys like that? However, I never understood it at the time.. It was years later that I had finally realized what my brother had done to me and what he was doing to me was utterly wrong!
    Unfortunately, that's not all.
    When I was in grade 6, so about 12 years old... I had a guy in my grade get extremely mad at my friend and because I was the only one left outside at recess, he grabbed me and held me against the wall by my throat. My feet were unable to touch the ground and my vision was becoming blurred and I could not breathe. Thankfully a teacher had come out and seen what was going on. I could not catch my breath for about 10 minutes after the fact. I had honestly thought that was the last day of my life.
    At 15 years old I was in a relationship with a guy who was 16 years old. Remind you, I've only been in high school for 2 months at this point. One day after school, I went over to his house to hangout and meet his family. We were in the basement playing Mario kart when his parents yelled down the stairs that they're going out and will be back in a couple hours. Soon after that, we were making out and he had asked me if I wanted to have sex. Me being 15, and only dating this guy for a few weeks said "no, I'm not ready for that yet" he continued to ask, and I continued to say no. But he didn't take no for an answer and had forced himself. I had told one of my best friend what had happened and she had told me "you're in a relationship with the guy, it's not rape". Silly me, believed that and never did anything about it.... I was embarrassed. I soon realized that's not the case, it is considered rape whether you're in a relationship or not.
    Also, in that same grade.... 15 years old - grade 9... I had a teacher take videos and pictures of girls cleavage and private parts. It is now seven years later, and we are still in court for this situation. Me and 12 other girls.
    Nothing worse than being called to the police station to watch the videos with my stepdad present and identifying yourself and others in the videos/pictures. To this day, 6 years later... I can visualized those videos/pictures. Not to mention, this teacher knowingly knowing where I worked had applied and been hired at my job. I was about to quit my job until my boss had set me up in a meeting with HR & union rep... He was suspended and fired from working at my work. Just knowing though, that he had the guts to be around me again had made it even harder to get over.
    Going back to what I had said about being used and abused by people you thought you should trust the most.... I had a brother and a teacher abuse me.
    I have trust issues through the roof. I want to move forward and give my boyfriend 100% that he deserves but all of this in my mind makes it extremely hard to move forward.
    I'm debating going in to talk to a counsellor/therapist to work at breaking down this wall in my relationship... I just don't know how to take the first step. The thought of talking to a stranger face to face about my embarrassing, horrible past just seems so hard and uncomfortable for me.
    Thank you for those who actually read straight through to the end, I appreciate your time.


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi Hope

    Read your story...your history of repeated incidents of abuse. Can relate to the emotional impact it has had on your life. Is hard to develop trust when others the influence and power they have over you to control and manipulate you...to meet their own dysfunctional needs. I hope coming here provdes you with a safe place to share and the space to process and heal from the wrong that was done to you.

    Can not tell you what to do...respect your right to make your own decisions too much for that. But can tell you that one of the most helpful things I have done is to work with a therapist. Has made my journey easier to have her support.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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