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Thread: Therapists not taking emotional abuse seriously?

  1. #1
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    Therapists not taking emotional abuse seriously?

    I've been doing quite a bit of reading on emotional abuse after having the realization that is probably what has been going on in my 27-yr marriage. I felt relieved to have found a cause for what I have been feeling for a long time. I told my therapist of my realization this morning in my second session with her. I feel she completely minimized it and didn't validate the abuse. She asked what I wanted to do with the information. When I said I thought my husband needed therapy she asked, "HE needs therapy?" I clarified yes, his own individual therapy based on my reading. She suggested some marriage encounters or spending a weekend away with him. Really? Everything I have read says "no" to such suggestions. Now I'm thinking that maybe I'm really not emotionally abused or maybe it's not as bad as I'm thinking... A phone consultation with another therapist for a second opinion of how to approach emotional abuse revealed about the same suggestions. Somehow I don't think validating feelings and parroting back my spouse's concerns is going to get to the heart of the issue. I'm at the point of having completely disconnected from my spouse. Maybe I am the cause of the majority of our issues, but how do I know what the reality is? Thoughts?

  2. #2
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    I am sorry that yout therapist left you hanging up in the air. I accept that therapists may not always agree with their clients...that therapy is not always a mutual 'we are all on the same wave-length' thing - helps me to explore my thinking with my T. However I do not ever think anyone would go to a T expecting them to treat their genuine concerns in a minimising or invalidating way. Up to you, but in your situation I would raise this issue at your next appointment...tell your T how you feel. Hopefully she will hear and support you to explore your concerns with her and if necessary help you look at your options and decide on your next step forward.

    From experience I know that it never worked when I tried to control my partner's behaviour...instead that I was completely in charge of my own. How I responded. That I had the right to put my safety and well-being first.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
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    you (or she) cant make your husband have therapy, cuz its his decision to make. if he wants therapy he can hire someone, if he doesnt - he doesnt have to. shes your therapist, so shes working with you. if you arent happy with the relationship, you can ask him to do some marriage counseling to work out the problems, or you can accept things as they are, or you can divorce him. so she asked you what do you wanna do about the situation. and since she suggested spending more time with him, i figure you told her you didnt wanna divorce him. if she misunderstood and you want a divorce - im sure she'd support that decision as well, and offer you some suggestions on how to make it smoother. he might need therapy, but you cant make him have it, its his decision, not yours, thats why shes not validating this choice. cuz its just not an option, it aint gonna happen...
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  4. #4
    Unregistered Guest
    I really don't want to work on the marriage but feel like I should. My husband says he wants to, but I don't know how he will feel when I tell him I think he's abusive and suggest individual therapy. He's already trash talking me to our family because he thinks we will get divorced, and I guess he wants to look like the victim...

  5. #5
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    Bottom lime is it is you absolute right to make your own decisions...you no longer want to be with this guy? - I think it is ok for you to accept this and leave. Imo couple counselling only works when both parties want to do it otherwise is a waste of time and $$s. Seems like you and your partner have different goals at this point. Nothing wrong with this -it happens. imo each of you has the right to do what you think is best for yourself...I believe you have no obligation to surrender your own wishes to support or please your partner. Was a martyr to my ex's wishes for years... didn't help...created misery.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (07-28-2016)

  7. #6
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    you dont have to stay. theres nothing that says you should work on the marrage. if you want to leave you can leave. you have to make decisions for yourself. stay or leave. you cant force him to go to theropy. you can only suggest he goes but if he doesnt want help then theres nothing you can do about it. sounds like you have a lot to think about. i cant really tell if your theropist is taking it seriosly or not, but she cant really force him into theropy either. she can only help you out. she can only be support for you. i hope it gets easier for you.




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  8. The following user says thank you to moondreams for this useful post:

    Jane (07-28-2016)

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