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Thread: Does the pain of having an unavailable mother ever go away?

  1. #1
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    Does the pain of having an unavailable mother ever go away?

    Was responding to another thread...poster was rejected and treated badly as a child, growing up. Long story short after years of hurt and trying to make things work she eventually felt the only thing to do was to distance herself from her mother. Like it had always been between them the parting was acrimonious. My mother strategy when it came to acknowledging and dealing with the abuse that happened in our home was to ignore it. Was generally a caring woman, but for whatever reason covered up and by 'acts of omission rather than comission' allowed the wrong that was happening to me and my sibs.

    Is something I have worked on...intellectually 'sorted out' in my head - can see that in a tough situation my mother did her best...not my best, but hers. how I would have coped in the same situation...like to think more constructively...however have never been put to the test so don't know.

    I think I have moved beyond judging my mother. However despite this adult abilty to not stay stuck I still live with the deep hollow/grief that when I needed her most I did not have an available mother. Have come to accept that that tis pain can not be neutralised by any intellectual or therapeutic means...has become part of me...not in a life ruining way - more like a just under the surface sad companion. See a happy child with their mother and my body and mind without any conscious bidding switch into my sad space...I become very aware of my hurting inner child.

    Interested in hearing other thoughts on this subject
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. The following 5 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Kristy (07-29-2016),Lost_In_Thought (07-27-2016),purpleclouds (07-29-2016),Suze (07-29-2016),weepingwillow (07-26-2016)

  3. #2
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    I relate so much to your post.

    I can not imagine the pain goed away.
    My mother always ignored my calls for help. My mother even projected some of her issues onto me when I was just a little kid.

    I now am an adult. This still sounds strange to me, because when it comes to these matters I never feel an adult, I always feel so little. But fact is I am an adult. And I moved away from my parents, my family and friends. I do miss my friends, but for a time I could not stand seeing anyone from the past.

    I reconciled with my mother some time ago. I had thought about boundaries. I have also made them more clear to her. (if she is in my life she claims me, like texting me every five minutes why I haven't respeonded yet. Or she doesnt say things for months)
    I told her I need my space. And if she wants to visit we have to make appointments.

    It helped to stop expecting anyting. I will always long for a mother, but I have spent years grieving that this mother just does not exist. I had a mother (and father) in law who was everything I had always longed for, but their son was abusive to me. I stayed with him because I could not imagine losing these parents.
    I grieved that for a long time.

    Since I am an adult and am able to take care of myself, my mother will have cnversations with me. about life, about daily stuff. She lies a lot, but doesn't know I know. But I can see she cares. She is just to damaged to even know it herself.

    It helps me to think about that. To know she is not capable of giving me the things I need. She can give me money. She can give me food. She can't give me a hug.

    It makes me sad that she was to broken to recognize when I got broken over and over. That she was so broken that she thought I as a little kid told her these things, not as a cry for help, but to hurt her.
    It makes me sad, and in the past it consumed me with anger. But now I am just sad sometimes when I think about it.

    Al I van do is promise myself never to become bitter, and to always keep believing in the good in people. to believe people are not here to hurt me but to help or ask for help from me. And sometimes that attitude bites me in the b*tt but it keeps my mind healthy, I believe.


    I wandered a bit off topic. Hope I gave you some answers/ insights though.

  4. The following 3 users say thank you to Kristy for this useful post:

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  5. #3
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    My mother was a remote and cruel figure who could and did become violent towards her three children . Her public face was one of extreme professionalism and respectability but beneath this lay another person.
    She would endlessly belittle her children especially my self and my sister whilst being cloying towards my younger brother. She would offer no comfort to any of us,illness was never tolerated,pain was something to "conquer" and feelings were never to be spoken about,other than hers of course.
    From the perspective of an adult I can see she had some fairly major mental health issues,was alcoholic and no doubt had a massive eating disorder which she was extremely proud of; but her sadistic nature,her divide and rule approach to childrearing and her lack of concern involving her children's feelings are something as a mother I can't forgive.
    I have always had severe agoraphobia ( since a very young child) but never told her. Instead I suffered in a kind of terrified silence which added to the trauma I was enduring at the time and played a large part ( I believe) in the fragmentation of a young mind.
    Her outward persona was one of immense helpfulness. She was known for her largess towards complete strangers,would often aid any homeless person she came across and would be the life and soul of a party..but indoors she would revert to the angry,bitter and ultimately destructive woman we knew.
    Her rages were dreadful to witness and we children spent many hours trying to avoid her. Her relationship with my father was also extremely destructive and would result in the most awful and violent outbursts that we three would have to witness.
    I don't know if the pain of having her as a "mother" ever goes away..but do know I have spent all these years since trying my hardest never to be like her..hopefully I've succeeded in this if nothing else.
    xxxx M
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

  6. The following 3 users say thank you to eagle22 for this useful post:

    Jane (07-30-2016),Suze (07-29-2016),weepingwillow (07-29-2016)

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