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Thread: DID treatment options and thoughts

  1. #11
    Unregistered Guest
    Thanks for replying here,I was just sitting here crying and decided to pop in and see if anyone had and it made me feel so much better.

    I still feel so alone in this,I feel like I don't really have anyone in real life I can talk to.

    First I want to say that not all of what I am experiencing is bad,there's a lot of good things about integration,but 'change' itself is what I am having problems adjusting to.I have read a few integration stories online,and from what I have read,it is usually a gradual process.It didn't feel gradual for me,although I suppose it really was but just seemed sudden,if that makes sense.

    They say hindsight is 20/20,and that is so true for me now.I can see everything for how it really was where before I couldn't. Like not truly believing I was DID,I spent the past 5 years in therapy denying that I was,I thought I must be faking it,for whatever reasons.I would tell my T I thought maybe I was faking it,but I didn't know how or why I was,but he always told me I was.There were so many times I wanted to quit therapy,I thought if I stopped going,maybe it would all just go away or I would stop faking I had something I didn't.I would burn all my journals,delete all my books and everything else that even remotely related to DID.But then I would always end up staying in therapy because if it wasn't DID,I knew there was 'something' wrong with me and I wanted to fix whatever it was.

    Now though,I know for a fact that it really was DID.I realized that the day my mind became quiet and I could no longer hear what I always thought were my own thoughts.My T had said he thought they were voices,but I always said they weren't,they were just thoughts.That's what they seemed like to me though,but I didn't know not everyone's thoughts sounded different ages and genders.I had never really questioned it before,until therapy,and I had asked a few people,including my T, what theirs sounded like and was told they didn't sound like anything.I didn't understand that and asked how they knew what they were thinking if they couldn't hear their thoughts.That was how it had always been for me,even when I was in like 1st or 2nd grade,I kept failing the hearing tests at school and had to keep re-taking it until one day I got frustrated and yelled that I COULD hear,I just had trouble concentrating over the noise in my head.Since I had never known any different,I assumed everyone thought like I did.

    The quietness has been hard to adjust to.It's not as bad now as it was at first.Along with all the 'thoughts' I always had loud buzzing,static noises going on,which made it hard to hear a lot of the time.Now I hear everything,even little noises,I even hear when my husband scratches his head.It isn't as bad as it was before,the quietness,except when I am alone.And I am very aware of it and it makes me feel so alone and lonely.I don't like how that feels at all.And the weird thing is I didn't even realize exactly what it was I was hearing until after they were gone.

    Knowing that it was indeed DID is something I am struggling with too.The reality that what I went through was bad enough to cause it.That all those things REALLY were done to me by my family of origin.Sometimes I feel so much anger and rage towards them and I want to seek revenge(but I won't).It's not fair,because of THEM I have been struggling my entire life.The people that were supposed to love me did this to me.I also have intense bouts of grief,I grieve for what I missed out on,what I didn't get,the things I needed and wanted.I think about what I should have had,and it really hurts that my childhood was the way it was.Just the reality of all of it.All the things I hid from the world and even my own self all those years just to survive.

    I can look back now and everything makes sense.Everything fits.The truth is hard,reality is hard.But I guess the purpose of DID is to keep all of it from ourselves,to protect ourselves,right?I don't have that protection anymore,and I have no choice but to accept the truth,and the truth hurts.

    I had DID.That reality freaks me out.I read things about it and think wow,that''s what I had and didn't even know it.I spent this much of my life not even knowing.Sometimes I feel like my life was wasted.If I had got help a long time ago maybe my life would be different now.I wouldn't have gone through all the crap I have as an adult.I could have been something,I could have done something with my life.

    I think about all the things I have said and done through the years and I feel so much embarrassment and shame.I know DID isn't my fault,it was caused by things I went through as a child,but still,when I think about some of the things I did when I was another part,it makes me cringe.Knowing that my husband has been through a lot through the years is hard.How do you make up for a child part stabbing your husband in the past?Or hitting him?Or throwing things at him?

    Time is different.I used to think there weren't enough hours in the day to get everything done,time flew by so fast,and now I find myself trying to fill the hours and the days seems to drag by.And I get bored,which I never used to,I used to like being alone with my 'thoughts',but now when I am alone,like I said,I feel alone.

    I learn/realize more things every day.Some good,some bad.And I know there's a lot I need to work on,things I need to learn how to do,things I need to change.And it doesn't seem fair!You would think that no longer being DID would be a reason to celebrate,that I should be able to walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after,but it is not that way.

    I wish there was a manual on this,on life after DID,but there's not,so I have to learn as I go.

    I have a lot more I could write,but not enough time at the moment.

    Feel free to ask questions if you want.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    I dont know anymore.
    surviving on hugs these days
    wow this is really fascinating. so I guess u probably have all the memories now and know what all happened when u were gone. sounds really confusing for someone like me who is used to just hearing things 2nd hand. like oh someone says I did this today. so I know it happened but it wasn't like I lived it if that makes sence. im just hearing about it. I wonder if u miss ur other parts. I know their still there but as part of ur personality but I wonder if u miss them being individual ppl. I know I would miss the others if I couldn't talk to them anymore. or see them or hear them. it would be really strange. anyway relate on the whole change thing. change is hard and a lot of us don't do change well. so it must have been hard. im sry u get lonely more now. that's hard to deal with. but im glad over all it seems to be working for u. this is really interesting. thx for sharing what its like.

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  3. #13
    Unregistered Guest

    Yes,I have all the memories now and I know all the abuse happened to ME.It is hard accepting and dealing with it at times.I mean,I do accept that it all happened,but it is hard not being able to dissociate when the memories are there and just having to face everyrhing and feel all the feelings.

    Yes,sometimes I do miss some of the parts.I miss feeling little.i didnt realize how often I felt that way until I didnt anymore.I miss my badass teenage part sometimes too,she wasnt afraid of anything and was the one who did most of the driving and had a lot of friends and fun.

  4. #14
    Unregistered Guest
    An Update...

    Things are suddenly getting better!

    The more things I do,the better this all feels.I have been getting out in the world more,and around other people,and even though it feels a little scary at times,I am amazed at the difference.

    Shopping is fun now.
    Hanging out with people is fun

    I don't feel like I have to hide out from the world anymore.I don't have to worry about becoming a small child out in public.I don't have to keep people at a distance anymore.

    I am seeing good things about this now and no longer focusing on the negative so much.

  5. #15
    Tasha1701D's Avatar
    Tasha1701D is online now Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Penguins & hugs work, no prayers or religious refs
    Was really glad to drop by this thread again and see that things are looking up for you. I hope that things continue to improve for you.

    I know that as I'm going through trauma work, things within my system have changed. Some pieces are no longer around, and I think it's because it's no longer necessary for me to have that part of my mind sectioned off. My therapy isn't focused on DID at all really, because DID isn't interfering with my functioning that much. My therapy has been focused on processing the trauma I experienced. I don't know how difficult it would be for me to have therapy focused on something other than the trauma.

    Hope that you continue to feel better about things.

    May you have peace, live long, and prosper.

    "On the starship Enterprise, no one is alone." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard in The Bonding, ST:TNG Season 3
    "Seize the time, Meribor-live now! Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard as Kamin in The Inner Light, ST:TNG Season 5

  6. The following user says thank you to Tasha1701D for this useful post:

    Jane (06-06-2015)

  7. #16
    Unregistered Guest

    I would say most of my therapy was always focused on the trauma also,working through and accepting them.My therapist never went 'alter seeking' like I have read so much about online.As a matter of fact,the therapy has always gone in whatever direction I have taken it.And a lot of it was focusing on the here and now problems,how things I have experienced in my childhood have been repeated in my adult life.

    For instance,feeling powerless as a child and continuing to allow myself to be abused as an adult.It took awhile to learn to stand up for myself,to believe that I didn't deserve it and I am an adult and have choices and options now.I had to work through the past in order to change things in the present.

    Recently I experienced a serious,emergency situation.I am happy with the way I handled it,but it was extremely difficult.I got through it fine,with major anxiety,but without dissociating.After the incident though,I was wanting to escape all the intense emotions but there was no way to.I had no choice but to feel them and deal with them.I managed though.

    That makes me feel confident that I CAN deal with things.

  8. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    really happy to hear u r doing well now. we never experienced intergration so this is all new to hear. so its interesting to listen to what u say its like. this topic is very interesting. I hope u continue to update us on whats going on and how ur doing. its nice to meet u. and really glad to hear things r getting better for u.


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  9. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Here but half the time in my own world
    Im ok with terms of endearment and online hugs are
    Wow I cant imagine going through intergration. I care about my others to much besides I cant imagine having to be the one out all the time. I like being inside more then being out in control. That would be really hard for me personally. I don't know if its for everyone. But even so those who in the long run it helps they probably have a hard time too but later like it. At least I guess. But I really don't know much about it.

    Im glad that its getting better for you now and you do more then you could before. Like standing up for yourself and stuff. Im glad its getting easier for you to deal with. Hope things continue to improve and get even better for you. Don't really have much else to say. Just hope things continue to be good.

    imagination is the one thing im really good at.
    dreaming is the key.dream about it. then write it down. then i have a story

  10. #19
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you,everyone that took the time to read and reply here.I really appreciate it,especially when I felt like I had no where else to turn when I started this thread.

    Everything is getting easier as the days go by,I am amazed at the difference from my first post here.

    Good luck to all the others that are DID,whether you are working towards integration or not.

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