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Thread: My wife was a victim of child abuse

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    My wife was a victim of child abuse

    I've been trying to get her to open up in counseling, but it's not going real well. I know she's had success before where she feels "safe" like with an older couple or online anonymously. I'm looking to try to set her up with someone who's gotten through it. She still thinks it's all her fault and I fear the longer it goes on, the more our marriage is in jeopardy.

    Please help me help her.

    Thanks, Mike

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Hi Mike...

    Can not give you any easy answers...don't think when it comes to recovering from trauma there are many of those. Can tell you how my partner has helped me as I work on my healing.

    I came into my current relationship with a history of CSA and a failed relationship. Was a history that I for various reasons chose not to share...was not in the space to deal with. Was not like it impacted on every area of my life...like most suvivors I was pretty functional in many areas...problems with intimacy and trust which only those who were very close to me picked up on.

    Bottom line as an adult I was fiercely independent when it came to steering my own boat...mattered enormously to me that I was able to make my own decision (good or bad) and live with the consequences.

    Fortunately my current partner 'gets it'...recognises that my healing, its progress and timeframe is an individual thing. Respects my right to share as much or as little as I feel comfortable with. Is there to support me if I ask her but does not try to act like my unofficial counselor...understands that what I need is a partner...someone who does ordinary relationship things with me.

    Back to the issue of maintaining a relationship when one partner comes with baggage be it as the result of CSA or any other issue. I find that honesty and compromise helps...in my case attending a couple counselor who has an interest in working with survivors has been extremely helpful for me and my partner...provides us with a safe space to discuss what is and isn't working and to find solutions that work for both of us.

    Hope you find what I have shared helpful.

    For you and your partner
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    eagle22 (06-07-2016),Maddie_May (06-07-2016)

  4. #3
    Unregistered Guest
    Thanks, Jane.

    That pretty much lines up with how we're working through things right now. I might push more than I should but I've been in bad places mentally before and I know talking is way better than internalizing. I'll try to show her this forum and see if she'd get active. Internet affords privacy and safety that talking out loud doesn't.

    I have a feeling if she is able to talk to another survivor who is further along in the recovery process it would help, but we'll see. What worked for me or other people might not for her.

    Thanks again,

    Mike

  5. #4
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    Hear you Mike. Thing you may or may not of considered is seeking some professonal support for yourself...reckons it is not an easy thing supporting your partner as she heals. Can be a fine balance between giving to your partner and meeting your own needs...found making sure I had 'my time'...space to recharge my batteries was important.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  6. #5
    Unregistered Guest
    I have help, I'm a veteran and have care through the VA due to disability. Thanks though

    I'll introduce her to the site after we finish buying our house and moving, that's stressful enough without pouring on.

    Thanks again for your responses.

    Mike

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    21
    Hi I too was a victim of child abuse and similar to your wife I just can't open up yet still haunted by it I've too been counselling helped a little but find hard to talk to my friends family or partner I really feel and understand her fear 💚

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