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Thread: Totally struggling with multiple victimization

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2016
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    Totally struggling with multiple victimization

    I am new on here and I am struggling very much I cannot count the amount of men that have abused me starting from 9 years old. My step father. Then 12 years my dads friend who u babysat for. Both of which was proven but I wasn't believed and was made very hard to be around. Also being placed back to my very violent father did not help who did not just slap me around but used me as nothing but a punch bag and kicked my skinny little ribs all over the place until one day I could not take anymore and ran. His in someone's garden who was worried and called police then was placed into care. That's early days there on in hasn't improved I have since been with very violent men who I have got rid of to go on to a charming, in the beginning man who turns out to be very abusive verbally and we are now married 6 and half years later. I have had enough it must be me that attracts this. I have never felt so bad as I have the last couple of weeks. I have had flashbacks which I have never experienced and am in quite a bad way but holding it together for my kids. Help

  2. #2
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    tamz83, im sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here

    repeat victimization is somewhat of a taboo topic in some communities, cuz people instantly get offended and scream "victim blaming" or such, but i think its an important, valid, and helpful topic. glad you bought it up

    i can think of two reasons really. first, it can be a distorted perspective. like some people say they were "horrifically" abused by "everyone" they ever encountered. that simply cannot be true. im sure they feel this way, and i cant imagine how painful it must be, to live such a life, but their perception of events just cannot be correct. they arent getting abused by their entire family, each of the neighbors, everyone in the office, and every walmart cashier they ever interacted with. just not possible. means they are only focusing on the negatives, totally dismissing all other sorts of interactions they had/are having with people.

    and second, it can indeed be my behavior attracting the bad stuff, whether i do it consciously or not. idk, if i keep going to parties with people i dont know, getting drunk there to the point of being unconscious, and walking home alone - im gonna keep getting raped once in a while. not that its my own fault and whatnot - its not ok to rape me when im unconscious, just like its not ok to steal my purse or some such - but i can change this pattern, you know.

    i do think it helps greatly, to evaluate what exactly is happening and why, to find out whats in common in all these experiences, what am i doing that i can change, to get better results. i see you have an account at fort - feel free to browse/participate in dv and social skills folders, we have quite a few discussions there on these topics
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  3. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (05-21-2016),Tasha1701D (05-25-2016),weepingwillow (05-21-2016)

  4. #3
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    In my case some of the repeat assaults happened because of me not valuing myself as a living being with needs, let alone human.

    I was in situations that I could have possibly avoided if I'd thought of myself as worth anything. They could have, should have, left me alone, people that do that sort of thing aren't likely to change any time soon. The boundary issues and self worth issues meant I put up with horrible behavior, I wasn't worth anything so what does it matter how they treated me?

    Of course I know now that no one should treat anyone that way, and have been working on learning appropriate boundaries, assertiveness, conflict resolution, unhealthy and healthy behavior, independence/autonomy, how to cope with emotions and express them healthily, and working on the horrible self talk I deal with. (Lot of this stuff I learned in dbt. Is helpful for lots of people but doesn't work for everyone).

    I was putting myself in harms way sometimes, and opportunistic s to advantage of that when they saw an opening to do it. It wasn't my fault but like Manya said, I could change the pattern. It's an ongoing road for me, but I'm in a better place now with it.

    for you, sorry things have been so hard.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (05-21-2016),Manya (05-21-2016),Tasha1701D (05-25-2016)

  6. #4
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    Took me a while to work out why I seemed to attract people who played out the same sort of behaviour...that took me back into the pattern of being and acting like a target for not ok stuff.

    Think I eventually sorted out why I kept repeating this cycle...at least in part. Each time a relationship failed I felt grief and disapointment and a sense of inadequacy and failure. Think this caused me to actively seek and replay the same situations over and over...hoping that this time I would do it right...end up happy...feeling I had succeeded. Of course it never happened. The way forward for me was to work on myself...set my sights higher, stop being a rescuer, get a better sense of what a mutual partnersip was like.

    For you
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (05-21-2016),Tasha1701D (05-25-2016),weepingwillow (05-21-2016)

  8. #5
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    Re-Victimization

    If you were hurt and weak, it gives no-one an excuse to hurt you!
    If you were hurt, you deserve support and compassion, not more harm!
    It is not you who attracts them- it is them hunters looking for prey in those who were hurt and abused in the first place.

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