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Thread: I need help, please give me advice.

  1. #1
    Brook_213 Guest

    I need help, please give me advice.

    Long story short...
    I was abused and neglected by my mom since I could remember until I was 14. (Abuse free from mom for 3 yrs, I am 17 now.)
    My dad compares me to my dead beat mom, and verbally is abusive I feel like. (Still to this day when I get pissed he compares me to her.)

    I am abusive to my bf of two years. Ever since my gma left, (long story short again) I was told she would never leave again, and she is the most important person to me. My mom said the same thing, and left continuously. I was also molested, idk if that makes a difference, but I have been through some shit. Now to the present day. I am abusive to my bf of 2 yrs. It started when my gma left almost 1 yr ago if not a little over. I used to hit a lot, but usually I figured it was playful, to him it was not. I have not hit him out of anger this whole time only a couple of times, I am currently very verbally abusive. I feel like every time I stop or attempt at stopping I am so angry, I start up again. I am very explosive, and I am too controlling. I feel like if I don't have control, I will lose control, and I suck at controlling my self. I have attempted leaving him MULTIPLE times, but we usually "fix" it. I have asked for breaks to pull myself together, and every time he says that he goes "If you do, there is no us." I don't want to leave him, I try and break up to help him. I don't want to abuse him, idk I feel like I am so F***ed up in the head or something. Something is wrong with me. Idk I just need advice on what to do. I admit my wrongs, that's the first step on stopping.

  2. #2
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    love your honesty and problem-solving approach. and it totally makes sense, of course youre angry and struggle figuring out where the lines are, who wouldnt be in your shoes, with your history and your amount of stress. i bet the boyfriend's approach to problems isnt helping either, when you need a break - you need a break. im not blaming him of course, not ok to abuse him regardless of what he does, i just hear where you're coming from.

    we cant give advice here just cuz its an anonymous group, what if im a total loon, you know lol. but when i left my family of origin and was starting to build my own life, as a teen - there were two things that helped.

    one was to be picky about whom i hang out with. not trying to hurt your feelings here, sorry if im too blunt, but youre saying your mom was abusive, your dad is abusive, and youre abusive too. everyone in the family is abusive. you know? im not saying its impossible, ive known some families like that. but its hard to figure out the ropes and learn how to have healthy relationships when youre surrounded by this stuff. know what i mean? i realize youre 17 and gotta stay with your dad for another year, thats cool, and im not even suggesting to cut him off dramatically or anything. but might help to get other people in your life who are better at relationships. in addition to your family, you know. idk, teachers, neighbors, friends parents, etc. just to have less stress in life and also to see how they handle stuff: how they argue, how they act when they are mad, how they play, how they express love, etc. used to help me a lot, to observe these things, about people i liked and respected. learned a lot this way.

    and another thing that helped was talking to someone about whats going on. therapy is an obvious option of course, cuz, i mean, with having been molested and whatnot - of course thats gonna take work to repair, therapy makes sense and will prolly happen sooner or later either way, so sooner is better than later, just gonna be less crap to sort though, if you get therapy now, as opposed to 20 years later, cuz during those 20 years lotsa unhealthy things can happen. but i dont even mean therapy, i mean just someone to talk to about how you feel and what you think and what youre dealing with. preferably someone with life experience and a stable base. it helps me a lot to talk of what im going through and hear how people respond to what im saying. especially people i respect and look up to. helps me figure out what im doing and where im glitching and how to fix it.

    this stuff didnt start overnight and wont pass overnight, theres no magic wand, no secret shortcut that you can use and everything instantly will be omg perfect. but if you looking for some temporary fix, something you can do immediately to make things better - postponing helps me. just postponing everything i do. for ten seconds, two hours, till tomorrow, etc, whatever applicable. like if i wanna yell - i postpone it by a half an hour, take a walk outside, or take a shower, or go do my dishes, or whatever i wanna do during this half an hour. and once it passed - i can yell, if i still wanna. i can even say so openly, "look, i really wanna yell at you right now, so im gonna take a half an hour break here, lemme go to my room and play some solitaire, be back later to continue this convo." helps, if the person im talking to isnt deliberately trying to have a screaming match with me, you know. or if i wanna ask my partner whom they texting - i count to 50, before doing it. just impulse control. cuz lots of these things i do and regret - they are about emotions, its not that i consciously decide to yell at someone i love, i just get mad and feel like yelling, and then regret it. and emotions pass pretty fast. so i can avoid yelling if i just wait out the urge. know what i mean?
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  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (04-29-2016),weepingwillow (04-29-2016)

  4. #3
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    with Manya. The biggest thing with the cycle of abuse is that often no one in the family can teach the next generation how to handle things appropriately. Sometimes it just takes someone learning those skills to stop it.

    Also wanted to add that if you're trying to work on your anger and stuff there are some great anger management books and classes and such, obviously working with a t or someone professional helps too. I can't suggest any specifically, I'm not a doctor or anything, just know that they're out there.

    Working on handling anger appropriately is really hard, well for me anyway, but it has made a difference in my relationships. imho it's admirable that you are realizing your behavior needs to change, many people don't try. It'll take a while, but I stuck with it and it has gotten better.

    for you
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

  5. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (04-29-2016),Manya (04-29-2016)

  6. #4
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    Have this thing I do - rather than focusing on what others want from me...what will make them feel I am decent make them judge me as 'good' I now focus on what I want from myself how I want to be. In a funny way coming from a chaotic and not very functional home helps me do this. Took me a while to see it but some of the stongest values and attributes I aspired to became important to me because I knew what it was like to live without them eg I didn't want to hurt others...cuz I first hand knew how it felt to be hurt and rejected, I wantd to be truthful not only with others but with myself cuz had lived with deception and knew how it screwed up your mind, wanted to not create drama...make peep round me walk on egg shells.

    Have gradually added to my list of things that I want to be known for and as. Helps me to keep it to the forefront of my mind...bit like any goal or creation it becomes easier if I have a clear picture of what I am aiming for...can visualise and see myself as I wish to be.

    Dunno if this will work for me. Hope so.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (04-29-2016),weepingwillow (04-29-2016)

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