December of 2014, my ex-husband and I separated after a terrible night of heavy drinking and what was the most horrific fight I had ever been involved in. My memory fades in and out of the night, but it ended in my locking myself up in a bathroom and calling 911, soaked in blood and later covered in bruises. That event ended in my obtaining a protective order against him and a divorce, granted several months later. I did not pursue charges against him and utilized spousal privilege instead of testifying when the state prosecuted him. Why? The reasons were that I didn't remember the night clearly enough and, truthfully, didn't want to; I had defended myself against him but had no solid evidence of who had begun the fight (while he had a video of himself, laughing and begging me to hit him, while I cried and begged him to leave me alone before my action against him); and I felt that even if it were to have any effect on him, i.e., bring him to jail, it wouldn't be rehabilitative and, truthfully, I still loved him.

For two years, our relationship, while never very stable, progressively fell apart before the aforementioned night when I believe we hit this rock bottom. The cycles were that he would be insanely jealous--consistently accusing me of cheating anytime we had any type of argument--to extremely loving and sweet. All throughout the relationship, he had a drinking problem, one that I tried to "fight" out of him (trying to take his liquor away, throw it away, give ultimatums), but ultimately gave into and joined him in self-medicating. Meanwhile, due to my own self-esteem issues, I portrayed on social media and in most social situations a happy image of our relationship. Issues fluctuated, but I focused on what I saw was a compatibility, a friendship, and ultimately love that I felt for him. Only my closest friends knew the truth.

After the event which lead to our divorce, I came out to friends and family about the issues. While they were initially supportive, my inaction to "put him in jail" and refusal to post publicly any details about the divorce or my feelings led most to believe I was being dramatic or even so much being accused as lying about the events. They remain friends with him on Facebook and even support what is now his fourth marriage, a marriage that he entered into near the anniversary of our separation. This hurts me deeper than anything he did, as I am now over any fond feelings I once I held on to for the man, but long for my family's approval and love.

Additionally, I am now engaged, having met an amazing man who I believe has all the integrity that my ex lacked. But I have both physical intimacy issues and also issues with anger management when I drink. I know I should seek counseling, but I am afraid.