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Thread: Looking for Advice on emotinal abuse and depression

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Looking for Advice on emotinal abuse and depression

    Hello,

    I'm a new user, whose been looking for a forum to reach out, so hope this is the right place. itís been a long time coming, but I have finally decided that I want to get some stuff of my chest.

    Two years ago my mum separated from a twenty four year marriage with my extremely narcissistic dad, the last 15 years of which was emotionally and verbally abusive. Naturally, she came out with some a lot mental scarring and hang ups. Unfortunately, she is also the most stubborn person I know and would quite literally use her own head as a battering ram against a wall if she felt threatened by it. Sheís never sought professional help, despite seriously needing it and decided to dump the responsibility of supporting herself on me and my older sister; which she thinks is the cause of our failing relationship, as she thinks that we are punishing her for Ďputting herself first last year during that difficult periodí. Her definition of putting herself first is trying to single handily deal with the abuse herself. Mine is a total mental breakdown, regularly drinking herself into oblivion, losing all emotional control. At its worst, she physically abused my sister on several occasions. We supported her as best we could, but what she was dealing with was clearly beyond us and needed someone with some expertise to help her, despite everyone close to her pleading, she still refused. She shouldnít have put us in that position nor acted the way she did, but me and my sister have forgiven her and tried to move on. After everything, we just wanted peace.

    Over the past two years, her behaviour hasnít got much better, only settled as times gone on. I understand and can empathise as to where a lot of the behaviour comes from, that she is refusing to accept behaviour that made her feel like she did with my dad. But she is dealing with the full force of yearís worth of repression head on, as if the extremes that she feels or how she reacts is normal and doesnít realise that it isnít and how itís affecting everyone else. She had monumental boundary issues, controlling, often lacks empathy, no emotional control, is a bit of a rage addict, manipulative, secretive, selfish, two faced and Iím pretty sure she lies a lot. She also uses us a verbal punch bag, victimises herself, makes you out as the villain, blames everyone but herself, never says sorry, is never wrong, and overdramatizes events to get attention. She is also talks about my private stuff behind my back to people, to get their attention. The only way there is peace in our house is if you apologise for your emotions, opinions, beliefs or anything that contradicts her. I feel so suffocated and unable to express myself. I end up feeling pretty worthless and my behaviour had become more extreme as a result of it (such as isolating self), which makes everything worse as it causes more tensions and everything spirals out of control. And Iím often made out to be the unreasonable one. If you stand up to her, or try and place a boundary you pay for it passive aggressively. Sheíll avoid you, be really nice to you so you feel like an arsehole, stonewall or ignore you, twist what you say, withhold affection amongst many other things. She often blames me for her problems in her life even if they have nothing to do with me. She twists everything so I am somehow wrong andend up going back to her. Even as a write this, there is a part of me doubting me and what I feel even though my brain is telling me this isnít right.

    She is in my opinion, acting out the very behaviours and treatment at the hands on my father that she has never come to terms with. Donít get me wrong, she isnít like this 100% and some of her behaviour is normal, but the bad stuff happens enough that it impacts daily life. I cry myself to sleep due to a family meltdown or her behaviour at least one-twice a week, often feel numb and feel like I have a constant black cloud of stress hanging around me. Weíve tried helping her, but she doesnít see that she is doing anything wrong, despite our relationship crumbling through her fingers like sand. I know I canít change her or help her as the issue deep down isnít with me or my sister. I donít want to demonize her as she is my mum and love her, despite everything and she has clearly been through a lot to be the way she is, even if it is in part self-inflicted because she refused help. She never used to be like this. However, her behaviour is not acceptable and she pushes me so far that I have to defend my own sanity, probably making it worse or sinking to her level at times, but I donít know what else to do. I have to stand up to myself and not be a victim. It is really hard but I refuse to let her walk all over me like this. This situation is so completely grey that I canít tell what normal behaviour is and what isnít anymore. She also doesnít realise what she is doing, even though Iíve tried confronting her.

    Nobody sees this behaviour except me and my sister and her best friend knows some of it, but ignores or dismisses it as she doesnít have to live with it. My mum is ok around other people and at work, so it makes you doubt yourself. She is often set off by the anything related to the house we live in. My dad was a lazy pig, but that literally means that I canít walk through my house without her saying something. Sometimes its normal stuff, other times not, but if you try and talk to other people about it they donít see the problem as it seems normal. I do most of the things she asks to keep her happy, but it doesnít make her happy as the issues are with her not her external environment which she is trying to control. When she couples it with her behaviour, what she asks of me is too much and it often comes at the expense of my own happiness, but that doesnít matter to her as long as she gets what she wants. She often refers to the house as her Ďsanctuaryí after everything, but apparently it comes at the expense of everyone else living in it.

    Why I started writing this post was due to several external life pressures (finishing and moving back from university, bullying from my manager at work) and having to deal with my mum at the same time, I snapped and fell into a severe depression and lost my job because of it. I have extremely low self esteem and anxiety. I am so desperately trying to sort my life out. Iíve managed to claw myself back from the abyss and just floating above the darkness, but I am still very unstable. Her behaviour is quite literally eating away at my mental state and undermining everything. I am so worried at being pushed over the edge again. I am so exhausted trying to help myself and get myself out of my depression, whilst trying to find the energy to mentally battle her every day that I have come to a standstill and donít know what to do. Iím still too unstable to work, so rely on her financially, which traps me here. I have got some CBT counselling from my doctor but am on a waiting list and have very little money to go privately. Between her and my fatherís behaviour whilst growing up, I have serious trust and intimacy issues, have no friends, never been a relationship, struggle reaching out to pretty much anyone for help, so only have my sister to support. I feel so alone and confused and just so desperately want to feel some semblance of normality in my life, even though it has the appearance of it. I was wondering if anybody had any advice about what I could do? I am trying to make steps to get out, but am in no position to go anywhere anytime soon and am struggling to cope in the meantime. Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice you can give me, I realise itís quite a long post.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    NYC
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    hey

    we cant really give advice here, not like any of us are any authority on anything; just people who've been hurt trying to rebuild our lives. idk, what helps me in similar situations is to calmly, non-argumentatively, and not lengthily, state my position on whats going on. to just verbalize whats happening, from my point of view. idk, "i just got home from work, and youre drunk and yelling at me; i'll go to my room, im tired, have a good night." "when you talk about me behind my back, that makes me feel betrayed, so if you continue doing it - i'll talk to you less and less, because i love you and dont want to feel betrayed by you often." "yes, you seem to be hyperventillating; panic attacks are unpleasant, but not life-threatening. try breathing through your nose. anyway, have you seen the remote control lately?". etc. i dont really have to do this, but if i love the person and care to invest into this relationship, it makes sense to tell them how i see things. cuz they might very well not realize it, they surely got a different perspective, and might be totally unaware of mine. so it helps to share it. and i try to not respond to anything that doesnt require a response. idk, "your father was a pig to me" - "i see" at most. or an "ah". or an "ok". or a nod. or nothing. i dont have to participate in this convo, i can just keep reading my book. imho the easiest way for me to learn good boundaries is if people around me set them with me. not even explain them to me, who likes being lectured, but just set them with me, just walk out of the room if im not behaving appropriately. that shows me clearly what behavior results in what consequences, without lengthy and humiliating lectures.

    for you

    ps: removed warning for explicit adult material cuz honestly not seeing any
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  3. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (03-18-2016),weepingwillow (03-18-2016)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
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    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It has given me an opportunity to look at things from a new perspective.

  5. #4
    Unregistered Guest

    me

    dear??? I am so depressed I don't think I can take it any longer :(

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    dear??? I am so depressed I don't think I can take it any longer :(
    I am so sorry you are feeling so depressed. Fort is not set up to offer counseling or advice - would not be safe for us to do so...our community is made up solely of abuse survivors. Provides us with a platform to share our experiences, feel heard and supported as we work on our healing journey...it is specifically against our guidelines to offer advice (to tell others what to do...to take on an advisory role). Sounds a bit like you are in crisis...that you need professional help. As explained we have no practising professionals here. May I suggest that if you are feeling as desperate as you sound that you seek help from a qualified professional...or ring an emergency help line (tab in the header).

    For you if I may
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (03-23-2016),weepingwillow (03-23-2016)

  8. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
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    Affection
    We welcome hugs and prayers.
    We are currently working on boundaries and assertiveness to gain control in our own life. It seems like a healthy start.
    Fin

    Only as high as I reach, can I grow.
    Only as far as I seek, can I go.
    Only as deep as I look, can I see.
    Only as much as I dream, can I be.
    --Karen Ravn

  9. The following user says thank you to finlyalive for this useful post:

    Jane (03-30-2016)

  10. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    2

    I am in the similar position

    Hi, I have been through the exact same thing you have.. and it breaks my heart to read your story. I too have lost all my jobs because of facing the same thing, family abuse, torture, harrassment. I have severe anxiety and feel like crap around people. My father and grandmother are the abusers, very manipulative, secretive, spill out my personal life for their amusement and have pretty much turned everyone against me for no fault of mine. I have lost all hope, i have lost everyone in my life because of all this. I just want to die and be at peace now


    Quote Originally Posted by flower;3.62414
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It has given me an opportunity to look at things from a new perspective.

  11. #8
    Join Date
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    Hi pri...hear how you are feeling. Sounds tough.

    idk if you are indicating you are in crisis. If you are we we are not equipped to provide the level of help you need as we have no qualified staff here. We do have some contacts under our help link (in the header) where you can access advice and such from trained personnel. If you do not need this level of assistance...you may like to hop into our library we have some helpful self-help resources there aimed at helping people to reset their compass and regain control of their lives.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (04-02-2016)

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