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Thread: Advice about a Situation My Abusive Father has Put My Son and Us in

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Advice about a Situation My Abusive Father has Put My Son and Us in

    I have a problem that I don't know what to do about. I'm survivor of emotional abuse dished out throughout my childhood by my father. After my son was born, I realized my father had not changed and was starting the cycle of abuse with my son. He said my son's baby pictures were ugly and there was something wrong with him (among other things). Luckily, my father is irresponsible and didn't have interest in taking care of a small child, who needed a lot of care. So, I didn't hear from him for years, but then when my son turned 6, he began calling me.

    Nothing had changed with him and I was concerned for my son's safety around him and wife #4 (they met online several yrs before and she left her 5 kids (the youngest was 5 yrs old) and moved 1,000 miles across several states). There were problems, allegations of child molestation by her kids, with an older brother molesting a younger sister. So I stopped answering my phone. 2 more years pass without him contacting me. Then, when my son was 8 years old, he called. He wanted to start having visitation where I allowed him to fly across country. I said, No. He hired an attorney to force me to send my son to see them. It went no where. He disappeared again. Then, last year, he called one of my family members and was putting me and my son's father down. When I was pregnant, he told the guidance counselor at the school, I was unfit to raise my son, and he was going to raise him, which is complete craziness, not one inkling of that is true. I was in my 20's when I had my son, but knew the guidance counselor from when I was in High School. He asked me about my situation at a public place and said he had talked to my father. My son, me, and his dad are an intact family, so my son cares about and was raised by both his parents. It was absurd what my father was saying.

    Now, my son is graduating. My father had wife # 4 call and pretend to be a teenage girl, so they could get him on the phone. My son was upset by the experience. He's a good, caring kid that hasn't given us any trouble. He's never dealt with emotional abuse. My father does not own up to the abuse, and blames everyone else, so he will continue to play the victim and make everyone else out to be a bad person. He's also a liar and twists reality.

    My father and wife #4 recently called and left a couple messages that they are coming to his graduation. How awkward and stressful! My father will probably badmouth our family to anyone who will listen. It's a very small town, he knows a number of the teachers, he used to work at the schools. My father moved out of state over 10 years ago , so the badmouthing went to a minimum, and I was thankful after hearing all kinds of terrible things he said to people about my family and me. Several years back, I started working at the schools as a substitute, and have went back to college to get my license to teach. I'm worried he'll make a scene, embarrass my son in front of his peers and teachers, and badmouth me at my place of employment. Even if we stayed our distance and left quickly after the ceremony, he will stay behind to badmouth us to my bosses and co-workers.

    Wife #4 said in the message, that if my son doesn't want them to go for him to call them and tell them. I think that is an awful spot to put a 17 year old kid in; I'm taking it if I call him and tell him my son doesn't want him to go, my father will say it's me that doesn't want him to go, not my son, and that I'm brainwashing him. They will still go unless my son is the one to call and tell them. I told my son in an objective way that they plan to go, and he doesn't want them to go.

    I wanted a normal relationship with my father, but that was impossible with him, so I had to protect my child. I could tell some stories about things that are heartbreaking and hurtful that my father inflicted on others, but won't to try to keep it as short as possible. I will say wife #3 left secretly, went into hiding, and filed for a divorce. She was afraid of him. He stalked her, told everyone she was an adulterer. He used to call her his slave and got a kick out of her waiting on him. He lacks empathy, it's always about him, and he doesn't consider anyone else's needs or feelings. How would you handle this?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi glad you have stepped in - can not offer you advice...none of us here have the qualifications or authority to do that. Like you we are here as abuse survivors...sharing our thoughts and experiences...hoping this supports others to feel less alone and accepted...maybe give them ideas and the strength to see a way forward.

    Seems to me that you as an adult have every right to chose who is involved in you and your minor children's lives...can relate to you not wanting your son to experience the put downs and pain you went through at the hands of your father. Idk your son is reaching adulthood it will soon become his decision on whether he wishes to have his grandfather in his life...in your position I would be guided by his (not your father's) wishes...maybe matter of factly explain what you went through. However bottom line is whether or not to have a relationship with his grandfather is his decision. Found this one of the hardest things to accept...wanted to gather my son up and keep him safe...protect him from life's knocks and nastiness.

    Feel for you.

    Also think your father's likelihood of gaining custody of your son is very low...don't think any family court would support that. Think he would need to be able to prove that your son was in immediate and serious danger before they would even consider taking action.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009

    soon as your son turns 18 its gonna be up to him how to handle his grandfather, hopefully you can offer him ideas on how to set and enforce healthy boundaries if/when he feels like it.

    graduation is a public place i assume, so i figure your father has the right to be there if he wishes, legally speaking. unless its held at some private place and people come by invitation only - which doesnt sound to be the case. the only thing i can think of is getting a restraining order against him, which would mean he cant be anywhere near you, including in public places, so if youre there - he would have to leave or get arrested. however, im no lawyer but i wonder what the basis for a restraining order might be. cuz not like hes currently posing any threat. restraining orders are mainly for abusive ex's and such, so that they cant continue stalking/harassing their victims, stepping by their homes to assault them, coming to their place of work, etc. i hear that thats what youre afraid your father might do, just you saying you havent had much contact with him lately, so idk if law enforcement would issue a restraining order against someone who isnt currently doing anything. know what i mean? might wanna ask a lawyer, idk

    for your son
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