+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: friend in danger

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    friend in danger

    Hi everyone! I am concerned about a friend of mine who lives with an abusive (same sex) partner. They are not even in a committed relationship but they see each other for few years now. No one actually knows (except me) that there's something between them, as my friend's abuser is her boss as well. Since last summer they live together, as they moved to my city for work. That's when we met but at the beginning I didn't know about the abusive part. We went out a few times, actually kind of on a date, while her partner was away for a vacation. When she came back, my friend stopped replying to me and after some time she told me the truth: that her boss was hitting her, punching her, throwing things, shouting at her for stupid reasons or if she didn't want to have sex. That my friend couldn't go out with people, except if her boss knew them. My friend has a low self-esteem, she thinks she's a bad person and doesn't believe she's beautiful..
    Few months ago my friend's partner saw that she'd searched my name on facebook so she started accusing her, beating her etc even though she didn't have a proof that there was something between us. So my friend texted me that I might receive a message and told me not to reply back to her. I didn't, as I got scared for her. The next day she unfriended me. I texted her for Christmas from a fake facebook account, so her partner wouldn't see my name... we talked a bit, she told me she just got rid of a bruise on the eye. I told her that I would be there for her if she needed help or anything. But that was it, she didn't text me after that. I managed to see her after work a week ago, as I wanted to make sure she was okay and I was waiting for her. She said things were good at the moment, they weren't arguing that much and she hadn't received punches for a while. In fact, her boss will move to a different city in the next months without my friend (hopefully she won't make her). I am not sure if she told me the truth though and didn't lie to me. Can abusers change? Or it is a phase? I am still worried about her even though she told me there's nothing to worry about and she's happy at the moment.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    19,860
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hi

    I am so sorry that your friend appears to be being badly treated by her partner. I know how hard it is to stand by when you know that someone putting up with stuff that they do not deserve. However ultimately as an adult the choice on how she chooses to deal with this situation must be hers.

    The most helpful thing I believe you can do is to be there for her as a non-judgemental supportive friend...respect her right to keep whatever areas of her life she wishes to private (which is her and everyone's right). To let her know that you care about her and her welfare.

    If you genuinely fear for her safety and have supportable evidence that her partner is physically hurting her you can of course exercise your right to report this to the authorities...however you need to be sure of your facts and be prepared to own what you have reported if you decide to do this.

    For you for being a good friend.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,131

    you can also link her to some abuse resources - hotlines, support groups, counseling, etc. so that she knows where to get help when/if she wants it. friends are great for support, but one person alone cant really be the sole source of it. helps to have someone trained (counselor, therapist, etc) and someone who been there and understands what its like (like people in a support group, in 3d or online).

    for you
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  4. The following user says thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    weepingwillow (02-28-2016)

  5. #4
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you to both of you for your replies!

    I know I could report to the authorities but I also know that my friend doesn't want that. She still has feelings and caring for this woman and the fact that she's her boss makes it even more difficult. But yes, I have evidences, as I have many messages and chats with my friend regarding her situation.

    I am not sure if she actually understands that she's a victim of domestic violence. She never used these words when she was describing the issue and she's blaming herself about it. How can I tell her? I mean... How do you tell your friend? Any suggestions? The other thing is that we don't even talk to each other now. When we met I told her that I would wait for her to message me first cause I never know if she's by herself or not. But if we go for coffee or something I would tell her about hotlines and support groups (although she said everything was good).

    I hadn't realized her issue at the beginning either. I didn't know people who are in my friend's situation, so it took some time for me. Even though I didn't realize what was going on, I was doing the right things (I think) and I was trying to give her strength and hope, to make her feel beautiful and lovable and I was there for her whenever she wanted to talk. However, once I blamed her partner and told her she deserved better.. so I am still blaming myself and feeling bad about it. Now I know much more and if I have a chance to go out/talk to her I would only support her whatever she decides and wants.

    Thank you again!

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,131
    i hear what youre saying. kinda interesting how some things are similar across the board - so many different people with all sorts of backgrounds, but boundaries boil down to the same thing. i mean, youre saying it yourself - she clammed up when you were telling her that shes beautiful and deserves better. happens over and over with abuse survivors: we really dont like people telling us who we are or what to do, think, or feel. i mean, nobody likes it lol, but for abuse survivors its an additional issue, cuz thats what perpetrators of abuse do. its the essence of abuse: redefining who i am, what i deserve or dont deserve in life, etc. its precisely what happens: i thought all along that im more or less ok, got roughly same rights as anyone else, and then this person comes along and tells me that im actually a whore/louse/whatever, dont deserve the air i breathe, and instead deserve to get beaten up daily, which they will gladly provide, for my own good. i mean, that messes with ones head, royally. so when the next person comes along and starts telling me that im not a whore/louse/etc, and deserve rainbows and sunshine instead - i freak out, cuz i know where this is going, based on prior experience, no thanks. works much better to let the survivor define things him/herself: who s/he is, what s/he deserves, what s/he wants, what s/he gonna do about her his/her life, etc.

    and giving her the links/numbers/etc - you dont have to tell her shes in a domestic violence situation. its for her to decide whether she is or isnt. you can just tell her that youre worried about her safety, saw a poster with this hotline number, thought to pass it along in case she needs it; anyway, hows the weather, blah blah blah. this way she doesnt have to respond anything, doesnt have to admit that shes living in a DV relationship (which is way hard and not always a good idea), and doesnt have to argue with you that shes perfectly safe and happy. with people in some other crisis (idk, suicide, compulsive gambling, etc) it also works to just slip a flyer/card/etc in their pocket/purse/etc. but with dv victims its a bad idea cuz if the perp finds the flyer before she does - hell will break lose, it can be a serious life threat even. so yeah, no such surprises. you can also just give her a general hotline number/link - volunteers are trained, if she calls about being depressed and mentions her partner beats her up - they'll know to link/transfer her to dv resources. another idea - hotlines can be hard for survivors, for a multitude of reasons im not gonna go into, but chat is better than phones. many hotlines have websites, and some of them offer crisis chat, 24/7, its same like calling a hotline, but you chat with the volunteer instead of talking. can be a deal breaker, so might wanna give her a link instead of number.

    ps: wanted to respond to "I didn't know people who are in my friend's situation". its highly unlikely that shes the only abuse survivor you ever met. people dont talk about it much, just cuz its heavy and very private, but abuse is pretty common, unfortunately. statistically, about 40% of people of both genders experience domestic violence at some point in their lifetime. not all of them see it as a problem - e.g. "she gave me a black eye but its cool cuz i knocked her front teeth out in response" or "yeah, i dated this jerk at some point, he tried to shove me into a wall once so i dumped him" - but for many people its a serious trauma with long-term consequences...
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (02-29-2016),Tasha1701D (03-20-2016)

  8. #6
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you for the advice! I will try to give her the hotline number when I see her.

    Well, yeah I understand that she needs to figure out by herself who she is and what she deserves. Just thought that it's hard to figure it out when the person next to you does/says all these bad things, so I just wanted to make her feel better somehow. I suppose it wasn't the right thing to do... At least she knows I am here for her whenever she needs/wants to talk. Guess I can't do much more then.

    I know that maybe I've met other people experiencing the same but I just don't know about it. I've read a lot since my friend told me about her, and now I know it's common and people just don't talk about it. I am trying to get into volunteering, so I will be trained to help people in need

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    PA USA
    Posts
    12,847
    Affection
    I live on hugs.
    Something that I found helpful for self esteem and such was for my friends to treat me like I was capable, and to have faith that I could do things. It might seem tiny but coming from a situation where you are constantly cut down verbally, or live with someone who constantly insults you, just having someone that trusted me to do things on my own was huge. And at first, kind of weird honestly. idk what kinds of things your friend does, or even if this would help her at all, but wanted to share.
    "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -- Robin Williams
    "Don't be afraid of the shadows, that only means there's a light nearby." -- Evanescence
    "So when you’re feeling crazy, and things fall apart, listen to your head, remember who you are." -- Three Days Grace
    "But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned. You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget." -- Counting Crows
    "Our brains are sick, but that's OK!"
    "Peace will win and fear will lose."

    "And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it, and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone."
    "It ain't the speakers that bump hearts, it's our hearts that make the beat!" -- twenty øne piløts |-/

  10. The following user says thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (03-02-2016)

  11. #8
    Unregistered Guest
    Thanks for sharing, Weepingwillow. I am not sure if I could use this advice but will think about it. Wish I'd known all these things earlier.
    Thank you again!

  12. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    8

    friend in danger

    I am comforted by how much all of you care.

  13. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Japan
    Posts
    129
    I'm a lesbian and though I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, I do know that the isolation and discrimination against us can make it doubly hard to report abuse to the police. Who wants to bring "The Man" into our private affairs - plus it could easily result in retaliation and an increase in the violence! Likewise, if we're just recently out or don't necessarily identify as a lesbian, it can be hard to seek community support from other women. We don't want co-workers, our family, or anyone else to know what's going on because of homophobia.

    However, I'd recommend continuing to support your friend in whatever way is possible, including sharing info about DV. There may be online forums that can offer a safe space to seek support if a 3D group is not available in the lesbian community (which hopefully won't include batterers as well).

    In addition, in my opinion, it's OK to be honest about what constitutes appropriate behavior in intimate relationships, especially when the batterer likes to f*** with her partner's mind to the point where she feels this behavior is "normal." It's NOT and it's so easy for the victim to believe that she's to blame, especially if she's isolated, in the closet, or a prior victim of family abuse. We don't know what's normal, even if you tell us point-blank! But bottom-line, my advice is to focus on her health and emotional well-being rather than vilifying her abuser. Hopefully, she'll be able to realize that you want what's best for her, but that she's the one responsible for making her own choices about her life.

    Also, don't be surprised or frustrated if you offer resources and your friend is not ready to actively use them. She may be in denial; she may dissociate the abuse; she may hope her abuser will change. That's the path she has to walk and you don't have any control over this, nor is it your responsibility to "rescue" her. She's the only one who can make a decision about what she needs and wants, and she'll do that only if and when she's ready. Options and choices do exist, but she has to want that for herself enough to seek it out. That's what empowerment is about, right?

    Hope this helps!

  14. The following 2 users say thank you to Devin for this useful post:

    Jane (04-17-2016),weepingwillow (04-17-2016)

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •