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Thread: Sometimes it's just like a bad dream..

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2016

    Sometimes it's just like a bad dream..

    When I was really little my mom worked a lot and my dad was/is an alcoholic. I had the benfit of living next door to my grandparents farm and I was with them everyday. I never understood when they would call at 7 or 8 at night and then come pick me up, but they were trying to see how intoxicated my father was and how many friends he had over. My Aunts and Uncles were also very loving and supportive and always wanted me to stay with them which I thought was because I was such a great child...my parents divorced when I was 9 and then my mom met a new man and I was not a priority. I stayed with my dad who was an alcoholic and drug dealer. I was put in mant scary and troubling situations by my father's neglect, but he himself never touched me physically or sexually. Of course I didn't have a normal upbringing and I was always being tossed between family member and friends parents. I remember times when I wasn't allowed to leave my friends house for days because her mother would call my dad and she was afraid to send me home. I lived with my Aunt and Uncle for a while and had some stability, but they had a terrible divorce when she cheated. I was always taught to lie about what he did for a living and coached on how to act if police showed up. He told me that if they found out i would be taken to a foster home where it was much worse. Out fo all the horror stories that can be told I believe the true horror in my life is when my father met his girlfriend. Although, I had experienced loud parties and neglect I somehow stayed grounded with all the support I had and my very selective memory. I moved in with my father again at 14 years old and his girlfriend, who was also a heavy drinker. She would make perverted comments to my friends and I insinuating we were lesbians. I always walked a bit on eggshells after 7pm. Then one night I was sleeping and I was a woken by the music playing so loud the walls were shaking. I got up and went out to turn the music down and when I bent down to turn the knob she punched me in the back of the head. I was in shock and just ran to my room. Unfortunately all that anger and betrayal started to bubble inside me and a switch was flipped that night. The next time she hit me I hit back and defended myself and it became a regualr task I would have to do..my father would wake me up in the middle of the night just because he liked watching us fight. I personally think he just liked seeing her get hit back and he would never lay a hand on a woman. I started to drink then got into drugs to deal with everything going on and it was quite a blurr until I was almost 18. I still have nightmares of her face and how it changes after it gets dark..like a split personality. The next morning she would make pancakes and ask what I wanted to eat for dinner as she would clean the house. It was something we never talked about..like nothing happened and it was just a bad dream. Being put in situations I have been molested, raped twice, had naked men jump in my bed, and somehow I can disassociate from that pain. I can't disassociate from the pain I feel when I think about her stealing my childhood. She made me feel crazy and now to this day she calls herself the victim.. blaming me. When I go to visit them I have panic attacks and my skin feels like it is crawling. I blamed the State and the memories from there, but recently my father had the flu and I had to stay with my grandparents. It was wonderful. I wasn't constantly cleaning and looking for insects, I truly enjoyed myself. That's when I realized it's my father and his girlfriend that cause this awful feeling in me... I would love to tell my father how this made me feel and what he did wrong, how I was raped while he was sleeing, how he let a woman beat me and encouraged me to fight back..but as out spoken and confident as I am with almost anyone I can't speak about it to him. Like I am mute..I love him and hate him so much I am lost and confused. It just makes me feel like I amnthat same child that was never allowed to talk about the night before. I'm sorry to share so much, but my husband is sick of hearing it and I have a son now and I try to be strong for him. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Kindness & hugs.
    H sjones...

    Read your post...so sorry that your parents did not provide you with the loving or stable home that was your right...instead created stress and unpredictability in your life. As a child survivor I can relate to not having certainty in my life...to often being given responsibilities and subjected to things that I did nor have the maturity to deal with. Your father's partner sounds completely out of control...that your father enjoyed watching you srike back at her says heaps about him. Idk bad behaviour from adults never brings out the best in any kid can understand how you used whatever tactics to protect yourself and lessen your pain.

    I hope coming here...sharing with others helps you to feel supported...to know that you are not alone.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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