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Thread: Trouble connecting with Mother

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    3

    Trouble connecting with Mother

    Hello there,

    I just wanted to share my experience with my mother since it has caused me grief for many years.
    I am gay and my mother never accepted it. I moved back to my home area after an abusive relationship.
    Shortly after I met a local and formed a close (and loving) new relationship with him that has now lasted
    for several years and we are now (happily) living together.

    My mother when she found out that I had come out as Gay to my local community and Cousins etc.. freaked out.
    She said 'I was behaving like a little girl' also shouted at me to 'de-friend' some of my friends on facebook because
    they were embarrassing her. I never argued back and I stopped using facebook, but I feel cut off, especially since
    many of my cousins and friends were happy for me to be open about my sexuality.

    My Mum keeps asking me to go on 'family holiday' without my partner. She asked me sometimes to meet a cousin
    of her to meet me but without my partner, because it would be orkward for her if my partner was there. When I go
    down, I never know if she is in a good or bad mood. If she is in a good mood she can be great, but if she is in a bad mood
    I can be criticised from anything from my clothes been untidy to my car is wrong to whatever, I can never tell, I am always walking on eggshells with her.

    Christmas was the last straw for me. I went down on my own Christmas eve, because she will not tolerate my partner, but I know this sounds silly but during dinner I offered her a cherry from my pudding because I don't like them but I know she does, but she asked me DID I HAVE AIDS. She ate the cherry but I was in bits felt dirty and violated. It implied to me that she was using HIV and being gay as an insult to discredit me. I am HIV negative by the way however I feel that it is irrelevant, even if I did have HIV, I would know that she would feel I was subhuman. I feel her attitude to me, my sexuality and my partner is a violation of my dignity. She is ashamed of me because I live in the same locality as her and am not hiding my sexuality or my partner, and she doesn't like that.

    I have panic attacks if I have to go down to her but I can take no more. It sounds harsh but I have to stop contact with her because my health cannot take it any more.

    I am nearly 40 and feel I am a mature adult. I feel I cannot continue to be undermined. I have to share my experience because I feel grief for my loss of relationship with her, guilt for not been able to meet her demands, lonely because I feel cut off from my family and angry. Some days I feel like I want her to know that I love her but cannot connect with her because I get such panic attacks at the thought of meeting her. Now however I feel I have to STOP, because she keeps hurting me with derogatory remarks.

    I feel very sad because it is a painful feeling to STOP my relationship with my mother that I love. But I have to STOP because it will continue if I don't.

  2. The following user says thank you to Brendan1 for this useful post:

    Jane (02-01-2016)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    6
    Wow... I have to say so much of what you sounds so familiar, although the circumstances are different - the attitude is just astounding. My mum has always been openly racist and judgemental, I used to pass it off as funny - like a sense of humour thing or something (god knows!) but it's this kind of underlying physical squirmishness (I guess you could call it disgust) she has for anyone different to her, (and for anyone who doesn't see the problem with difference) that has always made me feel really uncomfortable for myself and those around her. She's fundamentally misanthropic at the end of the day, although couched in politeness and eccentricity, which is 'just how mum is' etc. Great that you realise - it's not you, it's definitely her. I think you hit the nail on the head here;

    "I feel her attitude to me, my sexuality and my partner is a violation of my dignity"

    Shows how much respect you have for yourself, which isn't an easy thing to foster in these situations. Fair play.

  4. The following user says thank you to Wrathfulmum for this useful post:

    Jane (02-01-2016)

  5. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    20,268
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Brendan...so sorry you are being subjected to such blantent homophobia...in my book it says far more about your mother's intolerance of diversity her readiness to judge rather than anything being wrong with you. I certainly do not find her behaviour, funny or quirky...to me it shows an insensitivity to you as a person.

    As a lesbian and mother of a wonderful son (who happens to be gay...but is far, far more than this) I really can relate to what you are going through.

    For me the way forward is to surround myself with people who accept me as I am. Take it in their stride and make no more deal of it than any other of my socially acceptable and legal ways of being in the world. Is hard to not take the nasty comments on board...however I have found that with practice it becomes easier.

    For you and for your loving partner
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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