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Thread: End of the road

  1. #1
    Suzi94 Guest

    End of the road

    I would have never thought I would enter a forum like this but it seemes like I have hit a brick wall on the road to my recovery.
    My mum and dad split up when I was 4. My mum,having been subject to abuse in her own childhood did not show me a lot of affection and as soon as her new relationship began and she got another child , I had lost the privilage of a normal life. Not only I would be expected to look after my siblings, cook and clean at the age of 8 but any little mistakes I did make were severky punished. The positives were never appropriately noticed and I did not have the orivilafes of nice toys or things like mobile phones, as I grew older. I was never allowed out and was kept isolated with minimum privacy. I was also subject to severe emotional abuse, name calling and three hour long episodes of being shouted at for the smallest thing and repeatedly bring told things that affected my self worth. I was being punished for things one can't affect like catching a cold. I could not, for instance, watch what I had wanted on tv, have a hobby, have a shower adjusting the temperature to what I wanted. This carried on until the end of high school. Then I met a guy who said he could get me out of there. And I believed. Leaving home at 16 I have got a job and lived with various people until ending up at his parents. He never did work and I supported our own, eventually, tenancy. He used coercive control to isolate me from very few friends I did have. I did not speak to my family at that point. He sexually abused me, includibg violent anal rape , other than emotionally and physically abusing me. He never beat me black and blue and I was too ashamed to report sexual abuse, even though eventually I did end up needing medical attention. I spend 2 . 5y with him, I felt like I had no one to turn to and he made me believe I was insane. He also threatened suicide if I left. He got into drugs whilst I worked n I was expected to fund it. All of this happened when I was under 19.
    I eventually left and engaged in cognitive behaviour therapy as well as the freedom programme. It was a tough journey. I got myself own tenancy and tried to find new friebds.
    I have made so much progress I feel like I'm reborn. I think completely differently now.
    Few months ago I got into a new relationship. I'm really happy and I feel like my new partner is supportive . I value this relationship but keep my own goals and he is okay with that. He knows that I have been abused before but does not know how badly. He's opened up to me n told Me his darkest secrets but I find it hard to open up to him. Ifeel that therapy has helped me so much that my past hardly has an effect on this relationship yet;
    When with a group of friends /his family nice things that people have done are being spoken about, I sometimes can't help feeling upset as I have nothing to share
    I don't think that he understands how difficult it is to have nobody. Sometimes I get upset when for instance I need to carry something heavy home but dibt want to ask for help as I don't want to seem different.
    I recall things my ex did a lot more since this relationship started.
    Any ideas ?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2015

    crazy world

    Hi just read your post I too have been through hell and back lots of therapy. And I'm barely hanging in there everyday and when I read posts like yours sometimes it helps me hang in there a little longer. I was beginning to feel as if there is no hope for humanity because sometimes people can be so depraved that i wonder what is wrong with them. I have no answers for anyone nor myself everyday is a struggle ans every moment too. I need more therapy and isolation that seems to help a lot . going to the gym playing guitar and surrounding myself carefully screened people and then light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your kind post. Cheers

  3. The following user says thank you to Max for this useful post:

    Iris (12-13-2015)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2015

    Still Hanging In

    Hi everyone haven't posted in a while . Wish I could say that things are better six months later but the only change is material. Bought myself some things that made me feel better at first but now seem more like a burden. Starting to realize that my state of mind is here to stay and am glad that I purged my social circle to absolutely no one. I am a natural loner and nobody will ever understand me fully while at the same time accepting me unconditionally. The level of disrespect I have had to experience was an eye opener and do not wish on anyone. I found myself not being able to get out of bed today which is unusual for me. I am stable and healthy and the sun is shining yet I want to disappear. I will try and find a way to cope with my feelings without getting worse. Realistic life plan is in order! Thank you.

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