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Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #71
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    Mother is burning and bruising our child, what can I do?

    Hello,

    My 2 year old son is currently in a violent environment
    and in return he is being burned ,bruised
    and mistreated on purpose by his mother to make me angry.

    I have called Child Services twice and they are not doing anything. All I can think of is try to get a Family Court lawyer, can anyone give me more advice?

    More details on gofundme
    https://www.gofundme.com/my-son-moth...sing-our-child

  2. #72
    Unregistered Guest

    extreme emotional damage

    I dont even know where to begin , i feel so stupid for letting myself fall so deep into depression.. well i was with this guy for about 4 years about 5 months ago he started acting different not wanting to see me as much not wanting to talk as much untill i finally questioned him about it and he told me he was confused he didnt feel the same about me anymore , and that he didnt know why but he just did , he also made it clear he still cared about me and loved me but just didnt know if he wanted a "relationship" anymore , it broke my heart but because i have alot of family issues where me and my family dont even communicate i feel alone 24/7 so he was all i was counting on. He told me he just wanted to be friends untill he figured out what he wanted .. so i gave him that .. i was being friends with someone who had mixed feelings but i knew what i wanted . 4 months had passsed and he was still just being my friend , but at the same time telling me he loved me coming to hang out everyday even for just 15 minutes he would still come see me , i started to get the ipression he was doing things i didnt know about and just wanted to make sure i wasnt moving on. During this time there were alot of fights where i wouldnt act myself id have suicidal thoughts and i would feel like someone else was controling my temper , and when i would get bad like that he wouldnt talk to me he wouldnt check to make sure if i was okay not realizing he was messing me up mentally by confusing me .. i just didnt understand why he didnt know what he wanted ..recently he still told me the same thing , he still didnt know and for me to be patient .. i didnt know why he had me waiting 4 months to know if i was wasting my time .. we constantly fought and stopeped talking for a few days at a time and during that time i would try to talk to other people even guys just to cope with my breakup even if it was just a normal conversation some were mentioning him , he recently went through my fb msgs and see it all and switched tables on me and started to treat me so bad because i "cheated on him " & because i "lied" about loveing him, truth is i never did .. he confused me , he made me feel alone , insecure , everything in the book because he would always treat everyone good but me when i would break my back for him , i did things his own family wouldnt have done .. he continued to blame me without realizing he was gonna push me away even though i agreed to be his friend and focus on our own futures and maybe see how he felt down the road thigs changed we fought he made me feel alone and i would also see him acting happier without me posting everywhere likeing other girls stuff , girls liking his stuff , it broke my heart i felt like i lost him . i did what i did so i wouldnt hurt not because i wanted to really talk to other guys .. ive also had times where i seen him writing exs and loooking at girls right next too me but he would have no explaination and id always let it go idk if he got used to it or what but idk what to do anymore i cry almost everyday ! i was 110 when we first met now im 83 lbs and 18 yrs old im so depressed i can abrely eat or sleep, he has made it to where i feel like the world is ending if hes not in my life because i really am inlove with him .. idk what i should do idk how to cope if i dont have many friends & if my family doesnt even care about my personal life ..

  3. #73
    Unregistered Guest

    I need advice....My GF was raped by a "friend"

    Recently my ex partner contacted me to tell me she needed a familiar friendly face to talk to. I obliged and met her for a walk. After hours of tears and confusion not knowing what was wrong, she told me she had fallen asleep (not intoxicated in any way) and woke up to her friend of many years having sex with her.
    While we were in a relationship, this "friend" was always in the background, messaging, declaring his love for her, how she deserves better than me and he can give her all the things that i cant...always trying to buy her affection, being there building up her trust, the trust of her family, while maintaining a constant negativity towards myself and the relationship i had, there was no respect for what my partner and i had.
    She fell asleep on her bed in shorts and pants and a top, as she had many a night before and expected him to let himself out and post her key as he had previous. Only this time when she fell asleep she awoke to his penis already inside her, when she told him to stop he responded by saying he couldn't help it, and quickly carried on until she pulled away enough to make him come out of her.
    She immediately asked him to leave and reluctantly he did, but messages have not stopped, hes turning up at her house. She has made it clear to him the same day that it wasn't meant to happen and if it was, that she would have been awake and encouraged it to continue but this was outright not what she wanted.
    I trust my ex with all my heart, we have only been apart 8weeks, she blames herself for ignoring signs which i flagged to her during our relationship, that he was obsessed, and something was a miss. She feels stupid, manipulated and that maybe it was her fault this happened to her.
    We have been together for forensic examinations and at the moment she is wondering if she should go to the police but is worried she is "making a big deal of it and it could ruin his life" Last night he was at her doorstep for an hour, pleading to be let in as she has since ignored his calls and his messages because he wanted to talk. He's said in text he acknowledges that it shouldn't have happened that way but "wasn't sure if she wanted it when she was awake because she never lets on" that it was "perfect" and he "wouldn't change it for the world"
    I must get this across that all the years i have been with her, she has always been honest about who he is, what hes said to her and that she has made clear she does not see him in that light, it was a friend she wanted and he said many a time, that he was ok with that, rather than not have her in his life at all. The messages of loving her, wanting to make her happy, that she shouldn't blame herself for it happening and not to regret it because they "clearly have chemistry"

    I, and the professionals we have spoken to, have a fear for her safety, but she is so terrified, she wont tell her family, her friends, or the police.
    I know what needs to be done, i know what i want her to do.....how am i meant to support someone in this situation, how can i make her see she isn't the cause, that she was the victim in all this. Words like "groomed" have been used to her and "rape" and non of them make sense to her. She is the most caring, loving and trusting person i have ever had the pleasure to be with and not a day has passed where i wish i was there to protect her like i did when we were together. What can i do?
    What are your thoughts on the entire thing?

  4. #74
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    I am sorry that your ex experienced the wrong that you describe, but am glad you are there for her.

    Thing I find when acting as a non-professional support person is to not to get confused between my role as a friend move into an expert role. Secret I find is to be there (if this is my and their wish) but not to tell the person how to manage the situation or give unsolicited advice.

    Seems like others have told her about the option of reporting this guy...however as an adult it is up to her to decide if this is one she wants to pursue.

    I am glad that she sees his explanations as him making excuses and is reframing this incident for what it is...as a non-consensual sexual violation ...rape. The act of a predatory man. That you are reinforcing this message. Also glad you are reassuring her that nothing she did or didn't do gave her attacker the right to criminally violate her.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 4 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (08-31-2017),Reblisa (08-17-2017),Sunfl0wer (08-17-2017),weepingwillow (08-17-2017)

  6. #75
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    In a somewhat similar situation I did not contact the police, and he talked me into being his friend again (I was gullible) and it happened again. He stalked me like this after, too - even after I told him to stop contacting me. I did eventually have to call crisis services because he was threatening to kill himself, but otherwise probably never would have called. People wanted me to file a report, but not only was I afraid of him and ruining his life, and his parents, and his brother, I did not want to put myself through the stress and pain of filing a police report while trying to deal with how betrayed I felt. For me, more than anything, it was the betrayal itself that hurt me. I had tried to be kind, had tried to help him etc. I knew he was attracted to me, but I was engaged and pregnant towards the end of everything. Many people told me I was selfish, and a coward.

    Thing is, he was the coward not me, but it took a long time for that to sink in. I'm glad I didn't let anyone push me into filing a report. I have other mental health issues and truly believe I would've wound up in the mental hospital. Given the situation, he would've gone free also. There was no evidence or anything really but my word to give the police. 17 years ago, that wasn't enough and the police would have probably laughed at me tb perfectly h.

    I can't give advice or tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I wanted from the people around me. Sympathy/empathy was nice at first, but quickly felt like pity. Idk if that was the intent on their part, probably not, but that's how it felt. Yes, it sucked (as an understatement) but hearing that and "sorry" over and over again made it harder to try and move forward with my recovery. If it came up to me on my own - flashbacks/triggers and such - I wanted someone to lean on about the flashback/trigger, but not necessarily the reason for it. I'ma try to explain that, but idk if I can. I needed to deal with the trigger itself, not go back and process the attack. I needed to say "wow, that reminded me of {blank}, and I need to find a way to not be triggered by {whatever it was} in the future." So my focus would not be the memory itself, but the thing that bothered me. Triggers can be weird. Taco Bell can trigger me, being near or in an enclosed space. I'm 37, and I'm afraid of the dark. Mallocups. Weird random stuff that you can't avoid, so I had to learn to be around those things and still function. A lot of times I wanted someone to come with me for support, but I didn't want to bring it up because the point was to separate the two in my brain for me. One friend came with me to Taco Bell several times. They'd sit and crack jokes, or we'd play word games. Just something fun that helped me to relax and not think of the fear.

    Touch was another big thing for me. I needed space, needed to not randomly be touched, but some people need extra affection. It really depends on the kind of person. Not feeling forced to hug people helped me though. Some people mean well, but to have someone hug you when you don't want to be touched is really hard for rape survivors. Not being told over and over again that I should file a police report would have been nice. On person in particular, I know, was trying to be supportive but failed miserably. Again, I don't think people really meant to be so mean, they just didn't understand what I needed and didn't know what to do. I did not communicate very well at all about what I did need though, which didn't help anyone. That's something I'm learning to work on, to understand how I'm feeling and communicate that to the people around me when appropriate. If I had been able to do that, someone asking me what I needed in that moment probably would have been helpful. My fiance was really good about this. He'd just kind of ask me what I wanted to do and maybe suggest stuff I might want to do. A card game, a nap if I seem exhausted, lunch, a walk, etc. Sleeping while my fiance was awake I did a lot too, because I was able to sleep if someone I completely trusted (and he was the only one really) was awake keeping watch. That doesn't work for some people I guess, but was immensely helpful for me. Sleep can still be a battle all this time later, but it got so much better.

    I guess it all boils down to me needing someone to be there with me, but not be pushy.

    What he did is truly awful, but like Jane said, I'm glad she has your support. Having someone I trusted, and that I knew cared about me, helped my recovery. I also found a therapist very helpful and would suggest it to anyone dealing with trauma. Not for everyone, but generally people find it helpful. I hope for the best for you both.
    It's time to do it now and do it loud/Killjoys, make some noise!
    Give a cheer for all the broken/Listen here, because it's who we are
    I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love
    My Chemical Romance
    I don't wanna be heard, I want to be listened to.
    Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no
    twenty øne piløts |-/
    You were the song stuck in my head/Every song that I've ever loved
    My childhood spat back out the monster that you see
    If I can live through this/I can do anything
    Fall Out Boy

  7. The following 3 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (08-17-2017),Manya (08-31-2017),Reblisa (08-18-2017)

  8. #76
    Unregistered Guest

    Thank You

    I wanted to thank you both for the kind responses and support not only for my partner but for me too. A lot of the things you both said speak many truths and great volumes to the things she has tried explaining to me on how she feels and the way she would like to deal with the situation.
    My apologies for the late reply, I have just been doing all i can to take her mind away from things such as trips out, going for walks, the cinema....anything that i know she enjoys and at times she seems the person she used to be...then you see her hit a wall, facial expressions change and that look of "zoning out" comes across her and reality hits home and tension seems to build.
    Understanding the thoughts of a victim and what they need and crave from a man or someone close to them is a struggle in itself, being a man, instinct tells you to grab hold and hug them or give them a kiss on the head or even just hold a hand for comfort but those things spark those triggers and escalate the situation, and when words dont come out right you seem like the bad guy and that every frustration and built up anger inside that they have had bottled up is vented on you.
    I struggle to contend with the daily uncertainty of how each day is going to be, i'm not sure if that does make me a bad person and that the last thing she needs is me complicating things for her.
    We have a councilor coming to talk things through and due to the fact she is still receiving messages and attempts of contact through other forms of social media she is hoping the police may be able to put an end to him contacting her if nothing else.
    In terms of the law and prosecution, i dont care if he gets done or not, i honestly only want the fear of her phone ringing, a knock at her door, or notifications from apps on her phone to disappear. i cant describe the anxiety and fear you see in her face and her actions when those things happen, nobody should have to live in fear. But.....as these things are still coming through and messages are being received, i see that it is all further evidence towards some form of justice being served if she wished it. My hope is hearing this from a person of authority helps with a bit of closure to know she isn't and wasn't to blame for anything that he chose to do.
    Time will tell.

    Again, many thanks for your kind words and support

  9. #77
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    Thanks for your update. Is not easy supporting someone following a traumatic event...imo it takes patience, caring and a lot of energy. Thing I found that helped was to ensure I remembered my own needs in the midst of all else that was happening...to recognise that to be emotionally available I needed to self care...sometimes this meant having a day 'off' focusing on doing things that I truly enjoyed.

    For you and your friend...I hope life soon gets back on track for both of you.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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    Reblisa (08-30-2017)

  11. #78
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    Rediscovered this thread - . Hope others also think it deserves a second 'top-billing'.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (09-02-2017)

  13. #79
    Unregistered Guest

    Helping a family member

    Hello, I feel like someone in my family is being abused and I need some affirmation and advice how/whether to proceed with helping her. In short, this 30+ year old female has 3 small kids with her husband. Her husband is a narcissist and she mainly complains that he has no repsect for her, it's his way or else, and that he constantly puts her down. But, I feel she likes the role of being take care of, in that, she does not want to get a job (even though she can), she'd rather take his attitude (abuse?) in exchange for finanacial stability that he provides. She really jst wants to stay at home and dode on her kids. As far as I know, it never gets physical. The worst part of all, and what I least undestand - is that she seldom confides in anyone or complaints to others. 95% of the time she acts or pretends all is great, treats her husband like a king to the point of being his servant - and she does so with a smile on her face! Even though he's not so nice back to her. Which has me perpelexed, is she happy or unhappy? Does she vent only when she has a bad day and overall it's not so bad and they're just suffering from typical marriage problems? She has never used the word 'abuse', but rather 'disrespect'. IMO, he is abusive if he puts her down constantly. I'd like to add, this woman is quite dramatic, cries over the smallest things - which makes me confused even more because I don't know if she's making a bigger deal out of the situation. She likes playing the victim constantly.

    Lastly, she has the support of her parents and sibling should she want to leave, so she's not alone. She could also get a job or apply for benefits.

    Wondering if anyone encountered a similar situation?

  14. #80
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    i like asking questions. i think it helps both me and the person i wanna help. cuz i get a better grasp on their situation, and they are taking another look at it too, in order to explain it to me, to answer my question. like "are you happy?" - makes them think, you know. and obviously clarifies things for me as well. i think the crucial question is "could you leave if you wanted to?" cuz abuse is non-consensual by definition, its a crime committed by one person on another, the victim has no choice, they are trapped without escape. what kinda trap it is doesnt really matter, whether its physical danger coming from the perp or vic's own internal fears and insecurities; if they feel trapped - they need help. and if they feel free to leave at any point - the relationship is consensual, however dysfunctional it might be (or seem).

    i understand what youre saying, that constantly putting someone down is abusive - but you cant force this opinion on your family member, rescue her against her will. whether shes being abused or not has to be her decision. some people enjoy put-downs (idk, bdsm comes to mind). some define put-downs differently, e.g. in some cultures women dont speak unless spoken to - and don't perceive it as abuse, are perfectly happy with this arrangement. and yes, some people allow jerks to treat them like crap - but still its their life and their choice, as long as they arent in any physical danger. i personally make plenty of choices that some people dont support - but i wont have anyone telling me what to do with my life. had enough of that from my abuser, you know, dont need it from my supporters.

    also wanna add - relationships are dynamic, especially dysfunctional ones. things get worse gradually, and tend to cycle through bad/good phrases too, so it can take years for the victim to start wondering if they could be being abused, then to get convinced that they are, then to start thinking if they should leave, then to start planning their escape, then to actually reach out for help. likewise, some people start off by claiming abuse whenever they are unhappy about something their partner does, and it takes years for them to realize that labels dont resolve anything. if you want to leave, you can leave regardless if youre being abused or not, people break up sometimes, no justification necessary. and if you want to stay - calling yourself an abuse victim wont have any practical consequences. aside from short-term sympathy i guess (cuz nobody gonna offer perpetual sympathy to someone who is choosing to keep their hardship, you know).

    i guess what im trying to say is - what matters bottom-line, imho, is whether your family member is happy staying where she is, at this point in time. cuz whether you call it abuse or not (or whether she calls it abuse or not) is of no practical consequence. the outcome is stil the same - she can stay or she can leave, and this choice is up to her...

    for you and for your family member
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  15. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (03-14-2018),Reblisa (03-16-2018),Sunfl0wer (03-14-2018)

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