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Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #51
    Unregistered Guest

    please help me help these poor kids

    *name of the person* of *address of the person* has been drugging her 15 year old daughter and young son in order to use their urine (she smokes weed) to obtain *name of a medication* prescriptions that she sells. She keeps ** out of ** pills and sells the rest of the script for $** to a woman who sells them for $** a piece in *name of the town*. looks like the next generation of addicts has started, unfortunately its not the doctors but the parents who are creating them.

    Mod edit: identifying information removed due to legal reasons

  2. #52
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    sounds concerning, did you try talking to law enforcement and/or child protective services in your area? this is an anonymous message board, im sure local authorities would be able to help you help these kids a lot more efficiently. besides, you cant publicly accuse someone of a crime they werent convicted of yet, mentioning their full name and address; its defamation of character, obstruction of justice, whole bunch of issues. please contact the authorities instead
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  4. #53
    Unregistered Guest

    Helping my friend extract himself

    My best friend broke up with his abusive partner years ago. However, they continue to live in the same house, as she threatens/attacks/has a complete meltdown every time he tries to move out, she gets drunk, or they otherwise fight. He feels trapped due to obligation and guilt, as he feels that she is completely and utterly dependent on him, and if he moves out it will be too hard on her. He is in therapy to help him overcome this, but it's like he is trapped in this prison he can't seem to remove himself from. He isn't afraid of her physically hurting him and doesn't really fear for his safety (although she's bloodied his face many times), he is afraid of being the cause of so much anguish in her life.

    The incidences of physical/emotional abuse are relatively few and far between (as they don't really interact much), but he is in absolute misery. There are a lot of deep issues on his end, including crippling depression and anxiety. He has a stressful job and feels like it's easier to just not deal with things at home.

    I've watched this go on for a long time (about 3 years), and been as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. However, I have decided that I'm going to come to him (he lives quite far from me) and remove him from the situation. What's always prevented me is a fear that he will be upset or hate me. i basically don't care anymore. I can't stand to watch him live like this - he's barely functioning and it's not been good for either of them.

    I will simply get him an apartment (which he can easily afford; money is not an issue at all) and go to his house, and tell him/her that he is moving out. She is your typical bully, and I don't expect any issues with her, but I'll bring someone along just in case. I've been hinting at this for a while, and part of me suspects that part of him hopes I will come. In any case, I don't expect to need to go through with it. I think he will move out himself before I get there, but I feel like he needs the push.

    I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation, and if anyone could share? I'm not really looking for advice so much as anyone's shared experiences and would be open to ideas/things I've not thought of. Has anyone confronted a non-dangerous abuser? Any thoughts on making it as easy and pain-free as possible? Thanks in advance, and thanks for reading.

  5. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I've watched this go on for a long time (about 3 years), and been as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. However, I have decided that I'm going to come to him (he lives quite far from me) and remove him from the situation. What's always prevented me is a fear that he will be upset or hate me. i basically don't care anymore. I can't stand to watch him live like this - he's barely functioning and it's not been good for either of them.
    if someone in my life started making and enforcing decisions on whats good and whats bad for me - id ask them to cut it out, and would certainly call the police if they didnt drop it instantly. just my two cents
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  7. #55
    Unregistered Guest

    I need some advice on a someone who is being abused

    First it's hard for me to explain this situation I'm in, my friend is in an abusive relationship. Recently her boyfriend actually hit her so hard it cracked her sternum which caused her to lose her job. I am the only friend that she is allowed to have, or that she has fought so hard in order to keep. I'm trying my hardest to remain calm and oblivious in front of her boyfriend as if I know nothing.

    I know I can't tell her to leave the relationship as It's not going to have any effect, I can only support her no matter the decision she makes. I try to get her to think about why she is in the relationship and how she feels towards this man. Here is my dilemma. At first I didn't want to give my input to her because honestly i really like this girl. I felt as if it would come around to look like I was being trying to break up their relationship so I could have a chance. She really pressed me for my advice so I gave it to her.
    Now I am sitting here debating on if I should tell her my feelings noting that I am not acting on them, but I want to make them clear so she can keep that in mind if she wants my advice. I don't expect a relationship from this girl, I just want to get her away from the abuse. I hate seeing her cry.
    Should I tell her my feelings? If i do I want to make it clear to her that I am not acting on them, the only thing on my mind right now is her safety.

    Second, she claims the only reason she is still with him is because she recently signed a lease for the apartment with him. from what i've read you put in a termination notice with a domestic violence report on it she can get it terminated. How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?

  8. #56
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    Imo is up to you to decide whether or not to share your feelings for your friend. Up to her if you do how she reacts. Can only speak for myself but I have always believed that one intimate relationship needs to end before another one begins...two timing just seems wrong to me - underhand and messy.

    In your position I would also need to be sure that I was seeking to establish a relationship with this woman based on appropriate reasons not seeing myself or encouraging her to see me as a rescuer.

    Agree with you that as an adult she has the right to make her own decisions; good ones, bad ones - just like the rest of us.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  9. #57
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you for your response. I too believe one relationship must end, I am not seeking to be in a relationship with her, but I don't want it to ever be viewed as if I purposely tried to break them up due to my feelings. I really didn't want to give her advice because of this but she got it out of me when she persisted on getting my advice on what she should do.
    All I could tell her was to evaluate whether or not she loved this man and she felt it could be salvaged.
    Even sharing that makes me feel like I crossed the line because of how I feel about her.

    Been thinking about it all day, I just want her to be with someone who can actually make her happy, and I don't believe that is myself, so I think I'm just going to keep it to myself.

    Thanks again for your input,
    D

  10. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?
    wanted to comment on this, cuz to lotsa people this sounds obvious, which results in the conclusion that the victim is somehow, idk, impaired maybe. dont wanna say "dumb" cuz im sure thats not what most supporters actually think, but maybe that shes too stressed out to think straight, or scared to the point of being irrational, or is suffering from ptsd or some other condition that impairs her abilities. and so people wanna help her by explaining things to her, educating her, pressuring her to do something, sometimes even providing surprise interventions. a while back someone posted on this forum that they were planning to kidnap their friend, to just drive to their place, pack them in a car against their will, and drive off. cuz they felt their friend was being irrational and that things were getting "too far" or some such.

    im not trying to be rude, and im not making any parallels, im sure youre respectful of that girls boundaries. but i just wanted to say that its rarely as simple as just calling the cops when he hits you. i mean, without going into the whole multitude of reasons why, just scratching the surface to illustrate what i mean:

    lets say he hits her again, she calls the cops, her injury is visible, neither of them deny what happened, so the cops arrest him on misdemeanor charges (instead of simply making a domestic disturbance report and driving off). cuz this isnt a felony, its a misdemeanor, unless shes in coma or something. so he'll spend a few hours/days/weeks in jail, depending on circumstances. after that he'll be released, and she'll be back at square one, cept now he's mad that she called the cops, and they are screwed financially cuz he wasnt contributing to their rent while sitting in jail. this is all she accomplished by calling the cops when he hit her.

    im not saying that one shouldnt call the cops when getting assaulted, or that cops are useless for DV situations, or other such. of course not. cops can save your life, and sometimes its plain impossible to leave an abusive relationship without their assistance. however, no amount of cops would help if you dont wanna leave. if shes scared, or unsure, or concerned with the lease, or whatever her reasons are, but shes not ready to break up with him yet, not intending to actually leave with the cops when they arrive - calling them wont accomplish much. i mean, they cant sit there 24/7 to make sure the guy behaves, they will leave sooner or later, and she'll be on her own.

    reason im saying all this is cuz she might have a much better grasp on her situation than one would assume, and has her reasons for making the choices she makes. people stuck in DV do need help, desperately so, but it works much better to first understand where they are standing and what precisely they are dealing with, before proposing solutions. i came up with this metaphor a while back: if i got my foot stuck in a bear trap, and you wanna help - you dont start yanking on it. you give me some water, sit down, and try to figure out how this trap works, whats holding my foot, and how to release it, before touching it. or, a much better solution, you call 911, and they send over a bear trap specialist, who knows all theres to know about bear traps and would be able to release my foot much quicker. there are counselors in every dv shelter, free and confidential, most accept walk-ins, and she doesnt have to stay at the shelter to talk to them. there are also hotlines and such, but her local dv counselor would know her local laws (e.g. how exactly to get out of that lease) and programs available specifically in her area that she might qualify for. idk, therapy, lawyers, etc.

    im sorry for the negative post, didnt mean to criticize you, am glad that she got your support, cuz having someone who cares and wants to help makes a tremendous difference. i just hope that, in addition to your moral support, she also talks to someone trained, who would help her figure out the practicalities of how to get out of this trap shes in.

    for you and her
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  11. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

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  12. #59
    Unregistered Guest
    I came here ready to be criticized, if I wasn't then I would make the wrong moves. I came here to get a better understanding of how to approach this situation. I really do appreciate your input and when you put it like that it makes perfect sense.

    Thank you Manya,
    D

  13. #60
    Want2help Guest

    Secondary survivor

    Hi there all, I'm looking for a little advice. A family member of mine rescently remembered being sexually abused as a child. Up until now there was no recollection of the incident that took place some 20 years ago.
    As a family we are all trying to be supportive and understanding but it does come with its issues for us too. Is it normal for the victim of abuse to become mean, nasty and bitchy towards those who are caring for them? I find myself almost getting defensive of other family members that are being attacked and accused of not being there for them when I know that they are there and were always there 100% is it ok to tell the victim to stop being so heartless to those who love them? I'm afraid that if the horrible treatment of family continues that the victim will eventually push us all away to their detriment! Is it ok to take the emotional abuse they are inflicting on us because they were abused as a child?

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