+ Reply to Thread
Page 5 of 10 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 92

Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #41
    Tasha1701D's Avatar
    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    7,406
    Affection
    Penguins & hugs work, no prayers or religious refs
    I've been unemployed a few times in my life, and there are resources where I live that I can and have used, such as welfare, unemployment services, food stamps, etc. When I was around 22/23, I was unemployed for a time, having just returned from out of the country. My mom and dad let me live with them, with the provision that I do things around the house in lieu of rent until I got a job and could contribute to the household financially. I felt this was pretty fair at the time, a few of my younger siblings who were still under 18 felt it was unfair, because they didn't think I should be able to “free-load” off of mom and dad. Ultimately, it was between me and my parents, though, and what arrangement we worked out.

    I was also at a point in my life where experience was a better teacher than being told what to think/do by others. I greatly benefitted from the experience of learning how to take care of myself, manage my financial needs, learn how to apply myself towards achieving a goal, etc. My mom and dad helped me some, but not a lot. They gave me a place to live, and I was able to eat with the rest of my family if I contributed to the household in some way like chores, dishes, cleaning, etc, and showed them that I was applying for jobs and working to becoming independent. I felt a little stifled by having to show what I was doing, but ultimately it prepared me for things later on, like how I would have to show a boss what I was contributing to a job.

    I feel very grateful to my parents for their willingness to help me out when I was in that situation, and for them giving me boundaries as well, so that I did have some expectations to meet, even if I felt a little miffed/annoyed by some of the things they wanted me to do. Looking back, I see what they were trying to do and it did benefit me for years afterward.

    Hope things work out for your friend.
    ~Tasha

    May you have peace, live long, and prosper.

    "On the starship Enterprise, no one is alone." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard in The Bonding, ST:TNG Season 3
    "Seize the time, Meribor-live now! Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard as Kamin in The Inner Light, ST:TNG Season 5

  2. The following 3 users say thank you to Tasha1701D for this useful post:

    MadelaineJennae (09-12-2016),Manya (09-12-2016),weepingwillow (09-12-2016)

  3. #42
    Yura Guest
    Hello, thank you for all the replies!

    Nah, we live in poor European countries with very bad access to Social Support. And as he lives in a giant city which he doesn't know so well, he said he doesn't even know where could places like Public Employment offices be etc.
    We tried googling them and something that came up appears to be at the other end of the whole city, which, as he says, is more than 2 hours of bus/metro rides away, aka expensive and he can't afford it even
    I mean there HAS to be better access to all those things, or at least in a perfect world there would be... How damn hard can it be to find a job for a healthy 23 year old... People really want to assume that "he isn't looking hard enough then" but idk really.

    I have a feeling he is looking in the wrong places, and as the woman is pushing him to find it very quickly, he is also looking for anything. He is a nice, talented person tho, and if he could take it a bit more relaxedly, he would actually even find a job with according qualifications - I just don't see this happening when he is pushed into applying to packaging food and stuff (not a bad job either, but he has actual education for more complex jobs).

    Also, over here welfare, unemployment benefits and such only are accessible when we have legally worked before and payed the social taxes; or are students, under 18 or invalids. Same goes for health insurance.

    And yes - experience is the best teacher. But apparently there are some very specific formulas for people to get caught in between the cogwheels of the system, become criminals, drug dealers, addicts and other sorts of absusive broken people - and I can see it so clearly, how a person, if pushed enough into desperation, will just flip and make all the "wrong" decisions.

    I've been trough hell and came out well from the other side in the end - sure, I'm proud and all that - but I think the only reason everything is "alright" now, is because of the thin threads of support I got from people I knew back then - I was lucky enough to have friends who helped me establish some sort of financial independency over the course of years.
    I consider myself VERY lucky.

    I got away from a chaotic bad home, lived with a friend in another town, he didn't make me pay rent as I didn't earn enough for years... And well, now I can manage on my own all well and I am enjoying my socially awkard soltitude all on my own.
    But looking back - it took FIVE years to achieve this independence - and I knew darn well that if I had to look at it from the other end, "in five years I will have finincial independence" wouldn't look so promising and motivating. From that sad point of view thinking that "this all will be over in one year" is depressing as we, as young people, do not have any optimistic referrences to "one year" or "five years"... :/

    SO, my internet friend in the other country doesn't have those kinds of friends to support him and apparently has an even shittier set of parents than I did - so I feel like he does need at least some sort of support to get trough this shit - letting him know what kinds of social services exsist and what kind of support he is entitled to - that's important and nobody of us knows these things since birth.
    Neither did we know that we don't really have to put up with absuive a-holes and there is a way out (shelters and stuff for you - I am not aware if we have those over here, so thanks for telling, I will look into it)

    I believe he will come out great in the other end and that everything is on the right track - I honestly came here for additional solutions and ideas - you have provided some and I thank you for that

  4. #43
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,956
    Affection
    test
    I mean there HAS to be better access to all those things, or at least in a perfect world there would be... How damn hard can it be to find a job for a healthy 23 year old... People really want to assume that "he isn't looking hard enough then" but idk really
    I don't at all condone emotional or any abuse fist off.

    However, I do want to say, many folks feel that if a person does not have a job, then they could be spending 40 hrs a week in their jib searching efforts seeking one in many ways. And I actually know that for me that I would be in a depressed muck for a while till I freak out with the reality of the negative consequences of that.

    Yet I also think it is a reasonable expectation to have. I heard on the news (US news) that 80% of jobs are actually NOT advertised. I don't know if this is true, but I do know that in my experience, it actually is because usually I get a job by letting first friends know that I am looking, and them each giving me a handful of possible leads. Then actually speaking to the companies I want to work for, sometimes thinking up creative ways to carvenout or make a job.

    It sounds though that you are saying your friend has some difficulties with these things is the sense I am getting. Sounds like you are saying that he has issues managing things maybe to an extent that if he were in US he would apply for disability, idk, sorry if I am not grasping.

    Sucks when I feel like I cannot do something and the people around me make it harder with more negativity.
    Idk

  5. #44
    Yura Guest
    Yeah, I know it too that looking for a job can be as intense as a telemarketing job. And it does make sense that not all jobs are being advertised - everything is right.

    This all just doesn't come naturally to a person who has never had experience with that stuff before, doesn't have ANYone showing the ropes of that life to him (normally a parent or an older sibling would help with the basics, instruct etc, I assume - instead of this he gets negative pressure, mocking and threats - try to find a satisfying job in your best good will with those kinds of conditions It is cruel and inhuman! I think he will get a job, though - but as he is being rushed instead of finding a decent one with thorough search, it will be a job he will completely hate c.c (but I guess we all have been there too, so that's... natural)).

    Idk if "being socially awkward" really categorizes as a mental disorder entitled to "disability" anymore in any places of the world

    Just regular, humane assistance would do the "job" I think Anyway, I got all the info I needed now, I think everything's gonna be alright.

  6. #45
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    PA USA
    Posts
    13,133
    Affection
    Appreciated
    From someone that didn't learn a lot of very important life skills, just having someone willing to help walk me through stuff was amazing. It's embarrassing to admit that, for example, you're 20 and don't know how to use a washer and dryer. Since these are skills everyone assumes you have it's hard to ask for help or admit you even need it, for me it was anyway. There may be life skills, or job hunting classes available where you are. We have places that help you put together a resume and learn basic interviewing skills, and if you're unemployed looking for work you can sign up. It's kind of a public service thing where I live. idk if that's unusual or not, but if there is such a thing near him that might help.

    I also found a lot of information online when I was trying to teach myself how to write a resume, and there are some pretty good youtube vids about interview stuff. Something that helped me with interviews, which are an enormous hurdle for me due to metal health problems, was to have someone pretend to interview me. Got me used to the back and forth, thinking quickly enough to answer questions, what types of questions might be asked, and took a smidgen of stress out of the real one. This is recommended a lot, and worked for me. Not sure what country he is in, but there are job search websites like indeed and monster where employers post positions they have available. It's not just one type of job, so there's a variety of things to look at, and you're nearly guaranteed that the place is actually hiring. (Was actually told once that they were hiring, but weren't taking applications. Huh? )

    There's only so much you can do online, and it sounds like you are doing what you can for him already. Sounds like he is also putting in the needed effort, so it's kind of a waiting game while he applies for stuff I'd think. Helping him with the CV probably was huge. Any skills someone taught me were appreciated. for you and your friend
    Currently dusting off my jumpsuit. Cover me!
    East is up.
    You can learn to levitate with just a little help.
    You're facin' down a dark hall/I'll grab my light and go with you.||-//

  7. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Manya (09-15-2016),Tasha1701D (09-15-2016)

  8. #46
    Tasha1701D's Avatar
    Tasha1701D is offline Fort Security Chief & Stargazer
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    7,406
    Affection
    Penguins & hugs work, no prayers or religious refs
    There may be life skills, or job hunting classes available where you are. We have places that help you put together a resume and learn basic interviewing skills, and if you're unemployed looking for work you can sign up.
    I've used things like this as well. I also forgot to mention that I've found temp agencies very helpful when I've been unemployed cuz they have a bank of jobs already that they need people for. It's actually how I got one of my jobs in my career field. I was just telling them what I wanted to do and they looked into what jobs they had available to see if it would fit. It took a few months after I initially went to them for a job in my field to come up, and so they had me working at various other sites until that one came up, but I was earning money, could buy food and support myself. And I kept looking for openings on my own too, just made it less stressful since I had money coming in and I knew someone else was also looking. I know for me, having a steady job has really been important for my mental health state, just feeling stable knowing I can provide for myself and stuff, so it made it easier for me to look for a job and do interviews etc.
    ~Tasha

    May you have peace, live long, and prosper.

    "On the starship Enterprise, no one is alone." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard in The Bonding, ST:TNG Season 3
    "Seize the time, Meribor-live now! Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again." ~Capt. Jean-Luc Picard as Kamin in The Inner Light, ST:TNG Season 5

  9. The following 3 users say thank you to Tasha1701D for this useful post:

    Manya (09-15-2016),Sunfl0wer (09-15-2016),weepingwillow (09-15-2016)

  10. #47
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    22,425
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Think it is great you are there for him...listening.

    in my case what matters is that people (and I don't share my dx with many) accept that living with DID does not define me...that in the main I am able to self care this area of my life...and if not I am well able seek the help of my professional. So is not advice or opinions I would be seeking if I was in your friends situation, would be acceptance...and most of all to not have my dx get in the way of our friendship...make my friend think I was needy, less capable of making my own decisions. Helps me most of all to feel respected as a person and fully in charge of my own ship.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  11. The following user says thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    AnyWoman (09-24-2016)

  12. #48
    Flowers Guest

    My adult brother is abusing our mom and I don't know what to do about it

    Me, my older brother, his fiance, my oldest brother (J, 23), my step dad/their dad, and my mom (42) all live together in a small house. We don't have a lot of money - most of the time we make do, but every couple of months or so we dip into poverty and have to scrounge for a while. Most of us are mentally ill, including me, but my brother and my mom are the worst. J has anxiety, depression, SEVERE agoraphobia, and quite a few undiagnosed issues - very likely paranoia, definitely some kind of apetite disorder where his apetite for food is almost directly linked to his mood - and if he doesn't have "an apetite" for it he throws it up (involuntary) - possibly borderline-personality disorder, and he is pretty sure he has shizophrenia (but of course refuses to go to the hospital to get this diagnosed). Our mother has depression, anxiety, less-severe agoraphobia (she takes xanax to deal with it since she doesn't have a choice to not leave the house), borderline-personality disorder, and probably some other things. They are both miserable, basically. But he takes all of his issues out on her. He asks her for help, refuses all of the things she can do, and then tells her she's a shitty mom for not helping him and that he hates her. She will make appointments for him that he keeps asking her to make, and if the place of the appointment changes anything he will refuse to go and tell herit's her fault and treat her like garbage. If she has to change anything about the appointment, it's worse. Whenever the appointment is fine, he cancels it for some reason or other and she is expected to make a new one. Sometimes she will forget he has an appointment - she does this a lot and happens to everyone, she has severe memory issues and she has for years, this is not news to anyone - and then it is ten times worse. When they get into arguments, a lot of the time when they aren't face to face he will send her pages of texts telling her she's a bad mother and that he hates her. He has told her he hopes she gets in a car accident, something she has severe anxiety about, among other things. Recently she went to her sister's wedding in another state, and during the ceremony he texted her asking for money to buy some pokeballs for Pokemon Go (basically some items in a phone app game) before our brother and I went out on a quick shopping trip so he could go with us. She didn't respond in time (because she was in the wedding ceremony) and he told her this, word for word: "Thanks a lot. They left and you screwed me. Again. Just because you decided to ignore me. I hate you. I really, really do. You don't do anything a mom should do and I hate you for that and I always will. I hope you're happy with your actions". Many times during arguments he has threatened to move out and be homeless, and he has threatened to kill himself.

    She can't kick him out or force him into an inpatient facility because she is thuroughly convinced that SHE has to help him, because it's her fault he is the way he is. We have tried telling her that there is nothing she can do to help him, especially when she needs help herself. However, we wouldn't be able to afford one anyway. I have been watching him manipulate her and harass her and call her names and dominate her life for about four or so years and I can't handle it anymore but I don't know what to do. He refuses to believe he's abusive and blames all of his behaviour on his mental illnesses. Mom refuses to kick him out (even though she has kicked out his dad twice), no one is allowed to get invovled in their fights (this doesn't always stop everyone, but every time someone else gets involved it gets worse), and this house has very thin walls so you can usually hear them arguing from any room. I don't know what to do. This is awful and she is never going to heal while he is around her

  13. #49
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    PA USA
    Posts
    13,133
    Affection
    Appreciated
    for you. I can only imagine how stressful this situation must be to live with. idk, nothing you can do about your brother's behavior, or anyone else but him. People can change, but they have to want to/have a reason to. Same with your mom, she is aware of the situation and chooses to continue in it. It sounds like it's a lot of stress and bad for her, but only she can make that decision.

    If he's truly a threat to himself or someone else you do have the option of calling the police. Or around here we have a crisis services unit that will come, so that might be an option for you as well. What I did in a similar situation was get my things together to move. It took a while because money was an issue for me too. Can also relate to living paycheck to paycheck on a good week, and choosing which bills to skip paying on a bad one.

    for you. It's unfair that you have to live with the stress of this bad family dynamic between your mom and your brother.
    Currently dusting off my jumpsuit. Cover me!
    East is up.
    You can learn to levitate with just a little help.
    You're facin' down a dark hall/I'll grab my light and go with you.||-//

  14. The following 2 users say thank you to weepingwillow for this useful post:

    Jane (09-29-2016),Manya (09-29-2016)

  15. #50
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    22,425
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Hear you. Sounds like your mother and brother have a somewhat unhealthy dynamic going on...probably works for them but not easy for you to be exposed to on a daily basis. I would also find it hard to live with and accept a family relationship like the one you describe. Bottom line, however, is your mother does have the choice to ask your adult brother to leave...but as is her right elects to let him stay and accept how he treats her. Not saying that his and her mental problems may not contribute to their reactions to each other, but also accept that this does not remove her right to make her own choices and continue to do this as long as this does not put her own or anyone elses life at risk.

    Idk do you have a case worker? Is the sort of situation s/he may be able to support you with...maybe help you to look at subsidised accomodation options...benefits etc that would allow you to move out and no longer have to witness and live with the stress you describe.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  16. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (09-29-2016),weepingwillow (09-29-2016)

+ Reply to Thread
Page 5 of 10 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •