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Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #41
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    So agree with what Manya has shared. Was a lesson that took me a while to learn. Lots of reflection after the event to take on board that I enabled my abuser's behaviour - not intentionally, but by standing there and taking it when I could have walked away. In effect covertly (actually pretty overtly ) giving him the message that what he was doing was not crossing my boundaries. So really relate to how something as simple as not engaging and walking away rather than staying and trying to placate or endure can make a difference.

    Not suggesting that walking away is always the answer or indeed is always possible...but in my case I can see that this was an option that I could have used a lot more than I did.

    Mmmh - one of life's learnings for me I guess...one that did not come easily.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  2. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

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  3. #42
    HELPFOR1212 Guest

    Direction

    I myself was in an abusive relationship for about 5 years. I learned a lot about this relationship. I need direction on helping my sister. She was married for about 35 years. In the early years of her marriage she was in an abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. I do believe it got better. She withdrew from our family and sometimes we do not feel that we know her as well as we should. Her husband passed away over 3 years ago. She sits in her house with the new electronic picture frames and watches pictures of her deceased husband constantly. She quit her job and said she wanted live a little while she had a chance. But she does nothing. My parents recently needed help and as the brothers and sisters we reached out. She does not answer her phone, which still has her husbands voice on the recording. She said she does not leave the house, drive or want to be around people. When texting she sometimes indicates her life is over. She has been to some counseling but she did not like and and I believe she has withdraw.
    The problem with counseling is the counselor will not be able to help her is she/he does not understand. I truly believe that in my abusive relationship my husband said he wanted to break me down to build me back up. I think she was broke down, conformed to her husbands wishes and learned to live with his instruction. Now that he is gone she does not know how to live.

    I wondered if anyone has been through or knows of situation which a positive outcome came about and how can we get there. Just looking for a way to help her turn to a new direction and choose a happy life.

  4. #43
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    Imo we all deal with grief in our own way. Seems you sister's way is going to ground narrowing her focus down. Can relate. Know one of the things that I suffered from was inertia...a hopeless type of energy loss. Only thing that I could think about was all I had lost. Looking back I can see that I felt depressed.

    Thing that helped me was for friends to call - not to focus on trying to 'rally' me or even to join me in my sadness - rather to talk about ordinary stuff...take me for a cup of coffee, show me something they had knitted. I hear you have your own feelings about the usefulness of therapy...I have a different view T was a life saver for me. Gave me a place where I could safely dwell on my sadness and express my feelings. By doing this I gradually saw that the partner I had lost (although he had good points) was not a saint...was a man who often lost it and unfairly lashed out and created chaos. That I had a life beyound my lost relationship.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  5. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

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  6. #44
    Unregistered Guest

    My mom is with an emotional abuser.

    My mom has been with this guy for 3 1/2 years now. This issue has been going on for a few months. Every single night, he drinks a whole bottle of wine & then most of my mom's wine right after. He becomes a monster. He never used to be like this. He did used to drink wine but not as much as he does now. He's an alcoholic and it's getting worse and worse. Now he's a monster all the time- sober or drunk. He verbally abuses my mother and I so bad. When this first started happening my mom was just giving him the benefit of the doubt & thought it was just a phase and could be caused by all the stress. Now it's been a few months of this. He is very insecure and a jealous freak. He's literally jealous of me because of the relationship my mom and I have. We get into yelling fights & He gets in my face and crosses my boundaries as if he was trying to start a fist fight. He tells me "F*** YOU" Right in my face while pointing his finger towards me. Calls me a bitch. Tells me how lazy I am and always criticizes me for not having a job. Where we live, it's a tiny town and very hard to get jobs here, I'm 17 and most jobs here require 18 y/o or older. He ALSO criticizes my mom for not having a job. She's been on disability and he knows exactly what for but still criticizes her about it. I feel like he thinks since he's the one making the money then he has all power. He goes through her phone and looks at the cell phone bill to see who's she's been talking to. Anytime we're fighting, he knows that what comes out of his mouth is bull s*** and roams his eyes around the room as if trying to think of what to say. When we call him out on what he does He flips it on us. He tells me that every time I come to my moms, "everything changes"- implying that I cause all the problems. He will do anything to guilt trip my mom. After drinking all that wine he'll get in the car and act like he's going to drive somewhere just so she'll chase after him. He makes comments like "you're gonna make me live in a creek bed". He criticizes EVERYTHING. For example My mom and I will just be getting done cleaning the house, hoping he notices and is appreciative. But nope, he has to find one little thing wrong and be completely rude. He accuses my mom of cheating with our neighbor, who is married, 10 years younger, and has a daughter. Whenever our neighbor is outside and hangin out with my mom and I, her boyfriend will follow us and stalk us and listen to every conversation we have. He gives a very obvious stand-off ish petty vibe towards our neighbor and makes him uncomfortable. He makes my friends uncomfortable, too. Whenever they come over, he completely ignores them & doesn't acknowledge them and acts like they're not there. He won't look at them or even say hi. And my friends have talked to me about this without me bringing it up first. He controls how my mom spends her own money. He blames everything on my mom and I. If something of his is missing, he implies that my mom
    and I took/hid it. He will intentionally do/say anything he can to hurt our feelings. He will bring up things from my past or my mom's past that were hard times for us, just to upset us. He tries to play victim all the time. I have done research and I'm pretty sure he's a vulnerable narcassist. I just can't handle this anymore, but I don't even know what to do to help.. My mom recognizes this and she knows that he verbally abuses us and she doesn't let him get away with how he treats us, but she still hasn't left him. I believe this is because she is worried about the money situation and that we cant make it without him. So now I just feel like we're trapped. I don't know what to do .. Please help

  7. #45
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    Read your post...how life at your house is made difficult by your mother's partner's behaviour and how stressful this is for you.

    Hear you have discussed your feeling with your mother and she (as is her right) has told you she is going to stay with this guy. That she recognises things are not ok bur for her own reasons she is not going to leave at this stage. Seems this leaves you with the option of moving out...may mean putting up with things as they are until you are in the position to do this. Know this is not an easy situation for you, however in most juristrictions drunken ranting and general nastiness is not illegal.

    I am glad that your mother is on your side - does not side with this guy against you. Oh and bottom line - this guy's snarky comments say much more about him than you or your mother, it helped me to remember that as I counted down the days till I could leave.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. The following 2 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

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  9. #46
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    helps me to separate whats whose choice/decision/issue/problem, cuz when these things are blurry i blame everyone (including myself) for everything, and its just not constructive. i mean, if he wants to spend his money on your mom and you - thats his choice, its silly of him to complain about it cuz he's free to stop doing it at any point. if he wants to drive while drunk - also welcome to do that, get arrested or killed in an accident, his life, his business. if mom wants to stay with him - its her life, her choice. i live on disability, and while of course theres never enough money lol, even if youre a millionaire, i feel its plenty to survive on. i dont have children, but i figure disabled people who have dependent minors qualify for foodstams and cash assistance and such. btw, im not judging at all, im just saying people have choices, helps me to not try to solve their issues for them, cuz the ball is in their court really, not mine.

    it does suck that you're stuck in that household for another year, i relate to the pain/frustration, really unfortunate position to be in. but its not likely that child protective services would remove you from there, just cuz foster care can be worse, and you only have a year left. i was also stuck in a dysfunctional household as a teenager, it helped me a lot to count the days like jane said, to focus on the future, to work towards that. to study - and i dont mean just school, but also various skills that might help me with employment once im out. to get a part time job and save up (cuz moving out is gonna cost). to spend less time at home overall, letting adults fight all they want, sort through their issues themselves, while im doing something else. for example, i spent a lot of time at a local library, they all knew me by name there, i used to do my homework there and generally spend a lot of time there. cuz it got desks, heat, light, and bathrooms, and its quiet, nobody is yelling at nobody. used to play basketball outside too, and other sports. made friends with other adults - neighbors, teachers, friends' parents, etc. just to see how healthy people interact with each other, you know, to have some experience of normal healthy interactions, to balance out what was going on at home. i was younger, and it was hard, but all of this truly helped, if only cuz i spent less time at home, and had many more interests, aside from the drama at home. cuz i was gonna move out of there and have a normal life, you know, so spending less time/energy on what was going on at home was kinda a part of that transition to independence.

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  10. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

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  11. #47
    Unregistered Guest

    Is this PTSD?

    [Quick note: I am not the survivor, I am a supporter who listens on 7 cups)

    A person I listened to was raped at one point and is now currently at a foster home.

    At this point, she is taking a lot of medications (of which I do not know).

    However, she is telling me that she is now suffering from a variety of conditions:
    -Feels lost or unfocused
    -Nightmares
    -Feels jumpy at touches
    -Cries often
    -Foggy and blurry memory (takes great effort to recall anything)

    After she moved in the foster home, she has not continued therapy (did not ask why yet).

    My (unprofessional) instinct/research is telling me that these are all symptoms of PTSD, and from what I know of it, taking medication alone is not enough. Should I suggest that she should try therapy again, particularly CBT (which is, unless I'm mistaken, something that is used to treat PTSD)? She did not "like" therapy, and doesn't feel comfortable talking to others about it. How should I approach this viewpoint as well?

    It's not that I dislike talking to her, I just feel that - as a layman- I would not be qualified to **EFFECTIVELY** treat PTSD, especially not online.

    Thanks everyone!

  12. #48
    Unregistered Guest

    Mother is burning and bruising our child, what can I do?

    Hello,

    My 2 year old son is currently in a violent environment
    and in return he is being burned ,bruised
    and mistreated on purpose by his mother to make me angry.

    I have called Child Services twice and they are not doing anything. All I can think of is try to get a Family Court lawyer, can anyone give me more advice?

    More details on gofundme
    https://www.gofundme.com/my-son-moth...sing-our-child

  13. #49
    Unregistered Guest

    extreme emotional damage

    I dont even know where to begin , i feel so stupid for letting myself fall so deep into depression.. well i was with this guy for about 4 years about 5 months ago he started acting different not wanting to see me as much not wanting to talk as much untill i finally questioned him about it and he told me he was confused he didnt feel the same about me anymore , and that he didnt know why but he just did , he also made it clear he still cared about me and loved me but just didnt know if he wanted a "relationship" anymore , it broke my heart but because i have alot of family issues where me and my family dont even communicate i feel alone 24/7 so he was all i was counting on. He told me he just wanted to be friends untill he figured out what he wanted .. so i gave him that .. i was being friends with someone who had mixed feelings but i knew what i wanted . 4 months had passsed and he was still just being my friend , but at the same time telling me he loved me coming to hang out everyday even for just 15 minutes he would still come see me , i started to get the ipression he was doing things i didnt know about and just wanted to make sure i wasnt moving on. During this time there were alot of fights where i wouldnt act myself id have suicidal thoughts and i would feel like someone else was controling my temper , and when i would get bad like that he wouldnt talk to me he wouldnt check to make sure if i was okay not realizing he was messing me up mentally by confusing me .. i just didnt understand why he didnt know what he wanted ..recently he still told me the same thing , he still didnt know and for me to be patient .. i didnt know why he had me waiting 4 months to know if i was wasting my time .. we constantly fought and stopeped talking for a few days at a time and during that time i would try to talk to other people even guys just to cope with my breakup even if it was just a normal conversation some were mentioning him , he recently went through my fb msgs and see it all and switched tables on me and started to treat me so bad because i "cheated on him " & because i "lied" about loveing him, truth is i never did .. he confused me , he made me feel alone , insecure , everything in the book because he would always treat everyone good but me when i would break my back for him , i did things his own family wouldnt have done .. he continued to blame me without realizing he was gonna push me away even though i agreed to be his friend and focus on our own futures and maybe see how he felt down the road thigs changed we fought he made me feel alone and i would also see him acting happier without me posting everywhere likeing other girls stuff , girls liking his stuff , it broke my heart i felt like i lost him . i did what i did so i wouldnt hurt not because i wanted to really talk to other guys .. ive also had times where i seen him writing exs and loooking at girls right next too me but he would have no explaination and id always let it go idk if he got used to it or what but idk what to do anymore i cry almost everyday ! i was 110 when we first met now im 83 lbs and 18 yrs old im so depressed i can abrely eat or sleep, he has made it to where i feel like the world is ending if hes not in my life because i really am inlove with him .. idk what i should do idk how to cope if i dont have many friends & if my family doesnt even care about my personal life ..

  14. #50
    Unregistered Guest

    I need advice....My GF was raped by a "friend"

    Recently my ex partner contacted me to tell me she needed a familiar friendly face to talk to. I obliged and met her for a walk. After hours of tears and confusion not knowing what was wrong, she told me she had fallen asleep (not intoxicated in any way) and woke up to her friend of many years having sex with her.
    While we were in a relationship, this "friend" was always in the background, messaging, declaring his love for her, how she deserves better than me and he can give her all the things that i cant...always trying to buy her affection, being there building up her trust, the trust of her family, while maintaining a constant negativity towards myself and the relationship i had, there was no respect for what my partner and i had.
    She fell asleep on her bed in shorts and pants and a top, as she had many a night before and expected him to let himself out and post her key as he had previous. Only this time when she fell asleep she awoke to his penis already inside her, when she told him to stop he responded by saying he couldn't help it, and quickly carried on until she pulled away enough to make him come out of her.
    She immediately asked him to leave and reluctantly he did, but messages have not stopped, hes turning up at her house. She has made it clear to him the same day that it wasn't meant to happen and if it was, that she would have been awake and encouraged it to continue but this was outright not what she wanted.
    I trust my ex with all my heart, we have only been apart 8weeks, she blames herself for ignoring signs which i flagged to her during our relationship, that he was obsessed, and something was a miss. She feels stupid, manipulated and that maybe it was her fault this happened to her.
    We have been together for forensic examinations and at the moment she is wondering if she should go to the police but is worried she is "making a big deal of it and it could ruin his life" Last night he was at her doorstep for an hour, pleading to be let in as she has since ignored his calls and his messages because he wanted to talk. He's said in text he acknowledges that it shouldn't have happened that way but "wasn't sure if she wanted it when she was awake because she never lets on" that it was "perfect" and he "wouldn't change it for the world"
    I must get this across that all the years i have been with her, she has always been honest about who he is, what hes said to her and that she has made clear she does not see him in that light, it was a friend she wanted and he said many a time, that he was ok with that, rather than not have her in his life at all. The messages of loving her, wanting to make her happy, that she shouldn't blame herself for it happening and not to regret it because they "clearly have chemistry"

    I, and the professionals we have spoken to, have a fear for her safety, but she is so terrified, she wont tell her family, her friends, or the police.
    I know what needs to be done, i know what i want her to do.....how am i meant to support someone in this situation, how can i make her see she isn't the cause, that she was the victim in all this. Words like "groomed" have been used to her and "rape" and non of them make sense to her. She is the most caring, loving and trusting person i have ever had the pleasure to be with and not a day has passed where i wish i was there to protect her like i did when we were together. What can i do?
    What are your thoughts on the entire thing?

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