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Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #31
    fairbanks Guest

    You are doing good

    Can I just say that I think this is brilliant. You are voluntarily trying to understand more, and I think you are an amazing individual to want to try to understand more so that you can be a better partner.

    I hope you find the support and information you need.

    I wish you and your partner all the very best.


    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hi there,

    I was hoping some one could help me out with a situation so I can better support my partner.

    My fiancťe in her last relationship was subject to domestic violence for several years. She has suggested that I could better understand what she went through if I was to talk to other people who have been through similar experiences and help me see a new perspective. That is what I hope to achieve from this post.

    One issue that I struggle to understand is why donít those in this sort of abusive relationship leave or leave sooner. I presume most people in these sort of relationships know that it isnít healthy or safe for them so why donít they just leave? My fiancťe agrees with the statement that she should have left sooner but got very upset and hurt when I said it as a statement too. She said that I had no right to say something like that. I know that it might seem like a very Iím trying to learn more so I can relate and support her instead of upsetting her, which is never my intent.

    She says that I canít understand the fear that she went through so Iím hoping some one on here is secure enough and comfortable enough to share some of their past experiences so I can try to understand how things were for her.

    I by far havenít handled the information about her past abuse very well at all, to be really honest Iíve handed it terribly and caused her a lot of pain over it. when she first told me about it and every time since when the subject has come up, I felt more useless then I ever have. Here is a girl that I fell in love with as soon as I met her, she is my world and the single most important thing to me. Yet I couldnít stop her from having to go through all those terrible things, I couldnít protect her from any of that, she had to go through all that crap and there was nothing I could do to help her or keep that from her. Not knowing how to deal with feeling or expressing all of that Iíve acted out poorly about the whole thing and havenít been the supportive partner I should have been. But I want to change that and be that person.

    Iím hoping some one on here could spare the time to share their experiences with me so that I can better understand what she went through and be able to see things from her point of view, to be able to in a way empathise with her. It is very hard to find a women who are willing to talk about something so personal especially to a man. But Iím trying all the avenues that I can to be a better partner about her abuse.

    I hope that I havenít offended any one I just want to try to be more supportive of her concerning all of this.

    Thank you for your time and help to any one who response it is greatly appreciate.

  2. #32
    Unregistered Guest

    Help me help mum to deal with unhealthy relationship

    How do you help your mum to deal with a long-term, controlling unhealthy relationship? Please don't suggest leave him because she won't and she is coping by pretending nothing's happening. I can not change any of the above things. She won't see a therapist either. Don't suggest any of the two things I mentioned, because that won't work yet. I just want to know what I CAN do to help. Thankyou

  3. #33
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    it kinda gotta come from her imho, if she wants help she'll reach out, and if she doesnt - idk that anyone could convince her to... anyway, a coupla things that helped me while i was in a bad relationship and wasnt ready to reach out for help yet:

    journalling.
    cuz abuse involves lotsa mind games, perception of reality gets distorted, perp presents things differently from how they are, so to maintain my sanity i gotta record my perspective on things, before i lose it. since i wont talk to anyone else about it yet - i gotta at least read my own words, you know? like if he keeps beating up on me and insisting that its my fault, i made him do it, cuz i got a bad attitude or idk what else - if thats the only input i hear, its only a matter of time till i start believing it. while if i keep a journal, and can open it any time and read "today he beat me up cuz i asked him how his day was," "got beat up again cuz i sneezed in the middle of a convo," "again beat up cuz he couldnt find his winter boots" - that gives me a chance to see whats going on. crucial thing imho.

    safe box.
    they offer them in banks, its like $15 a year for a small one. or, if its not an option, then just a small metal box with a lock. i used kids toy safe, got it at toys-r-us. cuz gotta have a place where i can keep some minimal stuff thats mine, that the perp doesnt have access to. its good for practical reasons - like my id, ss card, some cash in case i decide to leave, etc - good if i have a stash like that, that he doesnt know about and has no access to. and its good for emotional reasons too, cuz protecting myself gotta start small, baby steps, start from a small thing, and build up from there. i cant leave an abusive relationship cuz its too big of a step to make at once, to separate my whole life from the perp, to sever all connections with him. hard thing to do. so i start small - all my life is still enmeshed with him, just how it used to be, same old familiar, but i got one tiny thing thats not enmeshed, thats separate, thats my own and not his. idk, some item of sentimental value that i keep in my safe box - its mine, he has no access to it, its free of him, he cant destroy it in a fit of rage, its protected. thats where my self-preservation is gonna grow from. once i started protecting that one tiny thing and get a feel for what its like, to have that one thing free of him - im gonna do more, protect more and more aspects of my life. eventually gonna leave. hope im making sense.

    any activities not involving the perp.
    cuz in order to kick him out of my life (or even just to limit the space hes taking in it) i gotta first fill it with something else. if i got nothing else - he'll be taking 100% of it. idk how enmeshed your mom is, so its hard to give examples of what might work, but stuff like - a family weekend with you, without him. a weekly movie night with just you and mom. spa, museum, concert, shopping, whatever you guys are into. quality time without him. hobbies, reading clubs, knitting groups, rock climbing weekends - anything without him. if thats not possible - maybe just a half an hour coffee together weekly. something that i can expect and look forward to. cuz abuse is terribly unpredictable, so predictability/stability/routines help greatly. if even a half an hour a week isnt possible - idk, a chess game online once he's gone to bed. just something, anything, in my life that i enjoy and that doesnt involve him, that will be there whether i stay or go. cuz leaving an abusive relationship is hard cuz its like leaving my whole life behind and starting from scratch. so it helps if im only leaving half a life behind, and the other half remains as it was, you know. gotta build that other half first.

    for you and your mom
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    weepingwillow (08-27-2016)

  5. #34
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    Looking to help a friend

    I have a friend with DID and he is doing what he can, I am just looking to see if there is a way I can help him. He trust me and talks to me and I appreciate that he trust me enough to do so. I am new to the whole thing so i am just looking to get some advice. Thank you.

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    MakeshiftWe (08-29-2016)

  7. #35
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    help him with what?
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  8. #36
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    The fact that you're here asking this question tells me that you probably already are helping him! But honestly, this is the question you gotta ask your friend, not us. DID systems are all different, and his needs may be unique to him. Really, you're already way ahead of the game just by believing his diagnosis and offering your support. Ask him what you can do to to help. Just listen to what he says. He might just be grateful that you're there.

    He's lucky to have you as a friend.

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    Jane (09-23-2016)

  10. #37
    Yura Guest

    Young friends' abusive stemother

    I am seeking advice for a young friend or advice on how to support him, maybe someone here has had similar experience and knows how to handle.

    He is 23-ish, school and extra engineering education but unemployed and inexperienced in the working world.
    His drunkards mother and stepdad kicked him out, father kindly took him in and now he has his own little cottage with power, internet and a toilet at his yard.

    Looks like a good place to be, BUT. His dads' current woman (who has never had children of her own) often antagonizes, humiliates and nags him because he doesn't have a job and he don't have a "life" of his own.

    He lacks a local "social network" - no friends to do things together with in his area or to move in with, as he is mostly "living online" - me and some other "friends" he has, live in other countries and his friends from school live now in other areas and have "their own lives".

    I helped him make a CV and he says has been sending it to places that are looking for workers and I have also instructed him to seek out contacts for places that don't advert as well. I provide him all sorts of info he doesn't even know that he needs to ask - public employment services, counseling, GP stuff, all that "life" thingies.

    But as getting a job is never a 100% under anyone's control, this obviously takes some time.

    And during this time the "stepmom" antagonizes and mocks him on a daily basis for not having a job or a "life" to the extent that he has considered "suicide" as the only "way out". I also wouldn't be surprised if people in his situation would resolve to criminal life or robbing etc.

    Finding a job is stressful alone - I remember my own as well when I lacked the experience and it seemed to me like it was impossible to get hired anywhere, but his situation gets even worse as there is a woman (who probably has some insecurity issues on her own - as healthy people would support and assist finding a job instead of nagging etc) constantly bashing, making him feel even worse about himself.

    He also seems to be afraid to speak of this to his father since he believes he will be kicked out the same way he was kicked out from his mothers' place - and he has said that then he would have no other place to go anymore if that happens.
    I believe his father wouldn't do that and I feel like he actually should ask him under what circumnstances this would happen (just to get a peace of mind), but his fear is his own, and for some reason he is unwilling to talk about this to him.
    The woman has also threatened him to not speak of this to his father, as in adding phrases like, "your father doesn't have to know this!" when she goes over to lash at him again - a very disgusting kind of control!

    The woman has also locked him out from the main house, so he can't even get food or drink from them and since he has no money on his own (neither a bank account, I swear - I would send him money for food lol) he can't help himself either.

    From this point on, if a person didn't have ANY kind of support, I assume they would turn to criminals, go rob people for money or food and well - I really do not want that to happen to my friend.

    And for this I try to be there, advise him and support him as much as I can remotly.
    I have told him many times that what is happening is not his fault - this woman is a bitter, mean person and just takes it out on him, but I have a feeling this message isn't really getting trough.

    I mean sure, I could tell him to learn to embrace the chaos of the universe, that life sucks for most people anyway and things "will get better for him" - but face the truth here, would those wise words ever really help us when we were helpless at those kinds of situations.

    So, I feel like the only thing I can do is help him understand what exactly is going on with this woman, help him define how he feels and why he thinks what he does - can't really convince him to talk to his dad neither the woman herself - I get the feeling that confronting her would only bring about more trauma and dramatic outcomes - I just want to make sure that he is not going to make some very bad choices at this point.

    I don't see any other peaceful approach to this and I do have an optimistic outlook to it, but does someone else here have any actual experience to share?

    Thanks for your time o/

  11. #38
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    wheres your friend? im in ny, usa. there are social services: welfare, foodstamps, back to work programs, homeless shelters, etc. theres also disability for those who are mentally ill. every country has a different arrangement for homeless/jobless people, but gotta start from somewhere, cuz his parents arent legally obligated to provide for him for the past five years. i hope your friend figures things out, gets help if he needs it, and finds some sorta job and a way to move out on his own. we got a bunch of hotlines, chatlines, and other organizations, up above under "help" tab - feel free to link your friend to some of them, they might be able to hep with employment/housing, or to refer him to someone who can...

    for you
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  13. #39
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    Echoing Manya...over here in the UK we have social services,Benefit Agencies and homeless places plus disability advice/benefits for those unable to work. ..might be worth a Google for the area he is in to see what organisations can help whether they be Govt or a charity that helps in these cases.
    Can see you are worried about your friend but perhaps there's more to be done than consider a life of crime in order to survive a period of unemployment. I also feel that 23 isn't that young to be able to work out a rudimentary life plan despite some setbacks and again I'm fairly sure there will be local info relevant to his position..maybe a public library can offer some help there?
    I hope your friend finds a way through this difficult phase soon.
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

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  15. #40
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    Manya did good explaining some resources. Just wanted to add, was living with my abusive mom about his age, with my toddler. (I live in US). I didn't want my kid to be exposed to her verbal/emotional abuse any more. I went to the social services department and had to say I was homeless to get into a homeless shelter. They wanted to know where I was living and prove that I could not go back. I think they made me get a letter from her saying I couldn't stay any longer or such, or they made a phone call, I can't recall, I just recall being so so frustrated that they wouldn't accept me to be "homeless" and in need of the shelter. Anyway, long story short, getting into the shelter system turned out to be a really good thing for me and the start of my own life.

    I like to tell this story cause often people think they have no options other than abuse and well, for me, it actually was scary, uncertain, but turned out to be the beginning of good things and certainly all options I did consider, including homelessness at a shelter.

    (I admit tho, a bit easier for a female and also a female with a young child)

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