+ Reply to Thread
Page 4 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 55

Thread: Supporting others in abusive situations

  1. #31
    fairbanks Guest

    You are doing good

    Can I just say that I think this is brilliant. You are voluntarily trying to understand more, and I think you are an amazing individual to want to try to understand more so that you can be a better partner.

    I hope you find the support and information you need.

    I wish you and your partner all the very best.


    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hi there,

    I was hoping some one could help me out with a situation so I can better support my partner.

    My fiancťe in her last relationship was subject to domestic violence for several years. She has suggested that I could better understand what she went through if I was to talk to other people who have been through similar experiences and help me see a new perspective. That is what I hope to achieve from this post.

    One issue that I struggle to understand is why donít those in this sort of abusive relationship leave or leave sooner. I presume most people in these sort of relationships know that it isnít healthy or safe for them so why donít they just leave? My fiancťe agrees with the statement that she should have left sooner but got very upset and hurt when I said it as a statement too. She said that I had no right to say something like that. I know that it might seem like a very Iím trying to learn more so I can relate and support her instead of upsetting her, which is never my intent.

    She says that I canít understand the fear that she went through so Iím hoping some one on here is secure enough and comfortable enough to share some of their past experiences so I can try to understand how things were for her.

    I by far havenít handled the information about her past abuse very well at all, to be really honest Iíve handed it terribly and caused her a lot of pain over it. when she first told me about it and every time since when the subject has come up, I felt more useless then I ever have. Here is a girl that I fell in love with as soon as I met her, she is my world and the single most important thing to me. Yet I couldnít stop her from having to go through all those terrible things, I couldnít protect her from any of that, she had to go through all that crap and there was nothing I could do to help her or keep that from her. Not knowing how to deal with feeling or expressing all of that Iíve acted out poorly about the whole thing and havenít been the supportive partner I should have been. But I want to change that and be that person.

    Iím hoping some one on here could spare the time to share their experiences with me so that I can better understand what she went through and be able to see things from her point of view, to be able to in a way empathise with her. It is very hard to find a women who are willing to talk about something so personal especially to a man. But Iím trying all the avenues that I can to be a better partner about her abuse.

    I hope that I havenít offended any one I just want to try to be more supportive of her concerning all of this.

    Thank you for your time and help to any one who response it is greatly appreciate.

  2. #32
    Unregistered Guest

    I need some advice on a someone who is being abused

    First it's hard for me to explain this situation I'm in, my friend is in an abusive relationship. Recently her boyfriend actually hit her so hard it cracked her sternum which caused her to lose her job. I am the only friend that she is allowed to have, or that she has fought so hard in order to keep. I'm trying my hardest to remain calm and oblivious in front of her boyfriend as if I know nothing.

    I know I can't tell her to leave the relationship as It's not going to have any effect, I can only support her no matter the decision she makes. I try to get her to think about why she is in the relationship and how she feels towards this man. Here is my dilemma. At first I didn't want to give my input to her because honestly i really like this girl. I felt as if it would come around to look like I was being trying to break up their relationship so I could have a chance. She really pressed me for my advice so I gave it to her.
    Now I am sitting here debating on if I should tell her my feelings noting that I am not acting on them, but I want to make them clear so she can keep that in mind if she wants my advice. I don't expect a relationship from this girl, I just want to get her away from the abuse. I hate seeing her cry.
    Should I tell her my feelings? If i do I want to make it clear to her that I am not acting on them, the only thing on my mind right now is her safety.

    Second, she claims the only reason she is still with him is because she recently signed a lease for the apartment with him. from what i've read you put in a termination notice with a domestic violence report on it she can get it terminated. How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?

  3. #33
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    20,880
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Imo is up to you to decide whether or not to share your feelings for your friend. Up to her if you do how she reacts. Can only speak for myself but I have always believed that one intimate relationship needs to end before another one begins...two timing just seems wrong to me - underhand and messy.

    In your position I would also need to be sure that I was seeking to establish a relationship with this woman based on appropriate reasons not seeing myself or encouraging her to see me as a rescuer.

    Agree with you that as an adult she has the right to make her own decisions; good ones, bad ones - just like the rest of us.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  4. #34
    Unregistered Guest
    Thank you for your response. I too believe one relationship must end, I am not seeking to be in a relationship with her, but I don't want it to ever be viewed as if I purposely tried to break them up due to my feelings. I really didn't want to give her advice because of this but she got it out of me when she persisted on getting my advice on what she should do.
    All I could tell her was to evaluate whether or not she loved this man and she felt it could be salvaged.
    Even sharing that makes me feel like I crossed the line because of how I feel about her.

    Been thinking about it all day, I just want her to be with someone who can actually make her happy, and I don't believe that is myself, so I think I'm just going to keep it to myself.

    Thanks again for your input,
    D

  5. #35
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,380
    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    How can I go about putting it in her mind that she should call the cops when he hits her?
    wanted to comment on this, cuz to lotsa people this sounds obvious, which results in the conclusion that the victim is somehow, idk, impaired maybe. dont wanna say "dumb" cuz im sure thats not what most supporters actually think, but maybe that shes too stressed out to think straight, or scared to the point of being irrational, or is suffering from ptsd or some other condition that impairs her abilities. and so people wanna help her by explaining things to her, educating her, pressuring her to do something, sometimes even providing surprise interventions. a while back someone posted on this forum that they were planning to kidnap their friend, to just drive to their place, pack them in a car against their will, and drive off. cuz they felt their friend was being irrational and that things were getting "too far" or some such.

    im not trying to be rude, and im not making any parallels, im sure youre respectful of that girls boundaries. but i just wanted to say that its rarely as simple as just calling the cops when he hits you. i mean, without going into the whole multitude of reasons why, just scratching the surface to illustrate what i mean:

    lets say he hits her again, she calls the cops, her injury is visible, neither of them deny what happened, so the cops arrest him on misdemeanor charges (instead of simply making a domestic disturbance report and driving off). cuz this isnt a felony, its a misdemeanor, unless shes in coma or something. so he'll spend a few hours/days/weeks in jail, depending on circumstances. after that he'll be released, and she'll be back at square one, cept now he's mad that she called the cops, and they are screwed financially cuz he wasnt contributing to their rent while sitting in jail. this is all she accomplished by calling the cops when he hit her.

    im not saying that one shouldnt call the cops when getting assaulted, or that cops are useless for DV situations, or other such. of course not. cops can save your life, and sometimes its plain impossible to leave an abusive relationship without their assistance. however, no amount of cops would help if you dont wanna leave. if shes scared, or unsure, or concerned with the lease, or whatever her reasons are, but shes not ready to break up with him yet, not intending to actually leave with the cops when they arrive - calling them wont accomplish much. i mean, they cant sit there 24/7 to make sure the guy behaves, they will leave sooner or later, and she'll be on her own.

    reason im saying all this is cuz she might have a much better grasp on her situation than one would assume, and has her reasons for making the choices she makes. people stuck in DV do need help, desperately so, but it works much better to first understand where they are standing and what precisely they are dealing with, before proposing solutions. i came up with this metaphor a while back: if i got my foot stuck in a bear trap, and you wanna help - you dont start yanking on it. you give me some water, sit down, and try to figure out how this trap works, whats holding my foot, and how to release it, before touching it. or, a much better solution, you call 911, and they send over a bear trap specialist, who knows all theres to know about bear traps and would be able to release my foot much quicker. there are counselors in every dv shelter, free and confidential, most accept walk-ins, and she doesnt have to stay at the shelter to talk to them. there are also hotlines and such, but her local dv counselor would know her local laws (e.g. how exactly to get out of that lease) and programs available specifically in her area that she might qualify for. idk, therapy, lawyers, etc.

    im sorry for the negative post, didnt mean to criticize you, am glad that she got your support, cuz having someone who cares and wants to help makes a tremendous difference. i just hope that, in addition to your moral support, she also talks to someone trained, who would help her figure out the practicalities of how to get out of this trap shes in.

    for you and her
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  6. The following 2 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (06-13-2017),Sunfl0wer (06-14-2017)

  7. #36
    Unregistered Guest
    I came here ready to be criticized, if I wasn't then I would make the wrong moves. I came here to get a better understanding of how to approach this situation. I really do appreciate your input and when you put it like that it makes perfect sense.

    Thank you Manya,
    D

  8. #37
    Want2help Guest

    Secondary survivor

    Hi there all, I'm looking for a little advice. A family member of mine rescently remembered being sexually abused as a child. Up until now there was no recollection of the incident that took place some 20 years ago.
    As a family we are all trying to be supportive and understanding but it does come with its issues for us too. Is it normal for the victim of abuse to become mean, nasty and bitchy towards those who are caring for them? I find myself almost getting defensive of other family members that are being attacked and accused of not being there for them when I know that they are there and were always there 100% is it ok to tell the victim to stop being so heartless to those who love them? I'm afraid that if the horrible treatment of family continues that the victim will eventually push us all away to their detriment! Is it ok to take the emotional abuse they are inflicting on us because they were abused as a child?

  9. #38
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,740
    Affection
    test
    Folks of course are going to vary in opinions on this one, so only sharing my own fwiw.

    Way I see things is we all are personally responsible for ourselves, our own feelings, our own ability to cope and to seek help. Full stop!

    ..................................

    I personally do believe that folks can indeed recall and talk about what they did not recall or talk about for as many years as is humanely possible. However, does that mean this person was abused? Idk. Maybe, maybe not. I simply do not know.

    Many folks define emotional abuse differently, so idk if you are being abused by this person, or not. I simply am not here to judge anyone's experience or behaviors.

    I guess what it comes down to for me is delineating where my responsibilities are in relationships.

    If my sis is accusing folks in the family of abusing her, ok...so she feels that happened... Now what is my role? I do not see it my role to believe her or not believe her, I can simply choose to leave it an unknown. If that is what she wants from me though, well, she is barking up the wrong tree. However, I can respond to and relate to her pain. If she was abused or not, I may be able to still see and relate to her pain and support that in some way... if I feel I want to. If I feel it is not causing me too much stress or grief to do so... cause remember, I am responsible for me and my stress. (She is not causing me stress)

    If she insists I have to agree with her reality of things to deal with conversing with me... well, tough luck.
    If she gets demanding of me well... I am going to let her know that I can in fact remain without an opinion if it is fact or not and if that is going to cause a tantrum, well, I do not remain around tantruming adults...I leave quite easily.

    It is not easy to hear shocking things. I also may need time to process and come to terms with this, not to say I will eventually feel she was abused, but I still need to come to terms with the info faced with. So I need to respect that for me...and be kind to allow myself time to digest what I have taken in.

    Same goes for me... if I reveal about an abuse, and the person listening does not believe me, well, ok, that sucks, I am disappointed, but now what? It is my job to take care of me. If I feel I need validation on my experiences, well, maybe I need to seek a therapist to help me cope with life without the confirmation I am not going to recieve from others. For me, it really doesn't matter if no one believes me, I am still left with what I am left with to manage...these intense feelings that are taunting me...that is mine to deal with..no matter how much Ii wish to move some of these feelings off of me, they are going to remain until I learn to face and manage them. Besides, most of my friends are not nearly capable of dealing with any of my abuse history so to dump it on them, really wouldn't contribute much to the relationship...I save it for my therapist, and here with others who understand.

    So as for my family... much abuse happened within my family, by several. If I were to confront them, I expect them to deny it, to feel it unbelievable, too awful to accept, and likely want me out of their faces for the reminder of my truth. Ok, well guess what? I decided that because of our realities being so different and the emotional disconnect we have, meant I felt engaging with them did me more harm that anything positive. Actually, relating to them was not even neutral for me, it was damaging to my emotional well being. Same rule I mentioned above applies... not at all my job to convince them my truth, to convince them to side with me or take sides or anything. I control me only. So safest thing for me was to put distance between us until I felt I was looking out for my emotional well being. So I did that. I continued with the distance to feel more emotionally safe. Turns out I have been NC with them all over 10 years. This, imo, was safest. It is still, me taking care of my emotional needs.

    Idk if that makes sense or is helpful, but it is what it is and the only way I keep my own sanity is by knowing whose job is whose. Never is my job to be there to provide emotional regulation for another. Now, I may decide to be comforting to someone, or feel like making a validating statement maybe... but that is kind or thoughtful of me, NOT my obligation... and I would never intentionally do so if the validating statement was not genuine for me and what my truth is as I know it.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other peopleís. ~Anias Nin

  10. The following 3 users say thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

    Jane (07-10-2017),Manya (07-10-2017),weepingwillow (07-10-2017)

  11. #39
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    20,880
    Affection
    Kindness & hugs.
    Is it ok to take the emotional abuse they are inflicting on us because they were abused as a child?
    Imo short answer is no. Just like being angry/upset or such does not give any person the right to lash out at others.

    Is understandable that your family member is hurting...alright for her to vent, but in my book not ok to project her anger on to non involved parties...verbally or in any other way attack them. My thoughts for what they are worth.

    :idk how much slack as a family you allow members when it comes to not ok behaviour (I know this can vary a bit) - maybe you need to discuss this as a group and decide how much is too much. Seems to me you have a couple of options...talk to your family member - let her know that you love her and want to support her but are no longer prepared to let her take her angst out on you. Other more gentle approach would be to not react and walk away if she starts getting nasty or you need a break.

    As a person who has been in a similar situation - I know how emotionally draining it is to act as a support person for someone who is going through a crisis even when I choose to do this. I find that it is important for me to be attentive to my own needs - do not let things evolve to the point that I am on tap 24hrs a day...living and breathing the other person's problems. Helps me to be aware of this risk...make sure that when my friend contacts me I suggest that we do some ordinary stuff eg go to the movies...try to keep some balance in my and their life...to remind myself I am not a counselor, am a friend and the two roles are different and I do not have the skills and coping mechanisms needed to carry out the former one.

    Hope what I have shared helps.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  12. The following 3 users say thank you to Jane for this useful post:

    Manya (07-10-2017),Sunfl0wer (07-10-2017),weepingwillow (07-10-2017)

  13. #40
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    14,380

    i believe natural responses are best in most situations, cuz they help everyone learn how the world works, you know. everyone has hardships. if im a nice person, i have lotsa people who care about me, and who would support me through my hardships. if i become nasty, i'll have less such people, and will have to deal with my hardships on my own. thats just how it works in life, for everyone, abuse survivors included. if people around me try to suppress these natural responses and cut me more slack than is due - i'll just get spoiled, will develop sense of entitlement, like the world owes me something, and, i mean, i'll end up having a real miserable life as a result. kinda a lose/lose situation.

    i do believe that abuse can cause impairments in social skills - clear communication, boundaries, assertiveness, etc, these things do get impaired often, and result in awkwardness and glitches and fights and whatnot. but that doesnt mean everyone gotta accommodate me lol. it just means i gotta learn the skills, trial and error, and lots of practice. and so the more natural responses i get, the faster i'll learn
    Guidelines | FAQ | Talk to Mods | Get Keys | Contributors Club

    *Honorary Member of The Troll Patrol doing laundry in public:

  14. The following 3 users say thank you to Manya for this useful post:

    Jane (07-11-2017),Sunfl0wer (07-11-2017),weepingwillow (07-11-2017)

+ Reply to Thread
Page 4 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •