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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #61
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    restraining order

    can you get a restraining order for mental and emotional abuse as well as verbal?

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    can you get a restraining order for mental and emotional abuse as well as verbal?
    might wanna ask a lawyer in your country/state? laws differ from place to place, and we aren't qualified to offer legal advice
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  3. #63
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    I've been going over my history... I see a pattern in being incapacitated

  4. #64
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    Been thinking about this whole subject...'is it or is it not abuse'.

    Clearly what constitutes legal abuse varied between counties cultures and even states. Bit is not too hard to pin down what applies in a particular area, can do this via the local DV shelter, or Community Law Centre or if you have the resources by checking with a lawyer. What I find less cut and dried is how to define behaviours that do not reach the legal thresh-hold needed to be called unlawful...a lot of the not ok behaviour I lived with (and found very distressing) fell into this category - upsetting but not outside the law...not things that the authorities had power to do anything about - or were interested in interested it. Things like being insulted, demeaned and emotionally manipulated, having no say in situations that impacted on me and such.

    Since coming to Fort I have realised that behaviour does not have to be illegal to have a serious impact on those who live with it. Indeed as a survivour of both illegal (rape and physical violence) and the not ok but not illegal stuff like that I mentioned above I now believe that any and all of these behaviours have the potential to cause trauma not only at the time but in the longer-term.

    I am now at the point of believing that it is immaterial whether what has upset me is legally defined as abuse...what is more important is what it was like for me to live through...whether I perceived it as traumatic, whether it has left me feeling hurt and damaged. It has left me feeling lesser, needing help and support to heal from.

    Have a personal example. As a child among other things I was blamed, punished and made to suffer for stuff that was outside my control. Later as an adult I had a relationship with a partner who also was quick to unjustly blame me. I found this aspect of their treatment of me hard to bear...could not take it in my stride. Other people may have been able to but my previous history made me very sensitive and reactive to what they were doing - continued to do even though I told them I found it unfair and hurtful.

    My thoughts for what they are worth.
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

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  6. #65
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    I'm not sure if my mum is abusive or not, or what I should do about it

    Hello all, and I apologise in advance if my post is clumsily written. Not only do I struggle to talk about these things, I think I might be slightly concussed at the moment.

    I'm 28 years old and I'm an only child, and I'm still unfortunately living with my parents, who are miraculously still together. I'm unemployed and recieving support benefits right now, and moving out isn't really an option for me at the moment. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I am on medication for, and I've been struggling with type 2 diabetes for ten years now. Yes, I was diagnosed with it at 18.

    I used to think my mum was an angel. I used to think she protected me from my horrible miserable dad, who didn't like us and didn't care about us. He used to work a lot, so he wasn't home very often, and yes he used to be the one who punished me for doing bad things when I was little, so my child brain bought into it. Only within the past few years did I learn what was really going on then. Dad always felt pushed out and blamed for everything, I learnt to see him as a villain, and my mum was seeing another man and planning to take me away to live with him. He was a drug addict.

    Another important point I feel like I should bring up is my mother suffers with epilepsy, and has grand mal seizures. These tend to happen if she's tired, stressed, or hasn't taken her medication. I have been exposed to these seizures since I was very young and they're terrifying, and on many occasions have required hospital visits. Of course, this isn't her fault at all, but I think she knows how badly it affects us and how we both feel the need to keep her happy now.

    I self harm and the first time I cut was when I was nine. I think. I know I was still at primary school then. I don't remember much of it, but it was in the bath, and one of mum's razors was in reach. I remember when she saw it all she did was tell me to wear a long sleeved top and not let dad see. Nothing else was said about it. I was bullied a lot at school because I was a large girl, in height as well as weight, so maybe that was why I felt the need to do this, but I didn't feel like her reaction to it was particularly healthy, looking back.

    I remember when I left primary school I ginally had a few friends. Most of them were boys, I was a tomboyish girl. A lot of them probably only liked me because of my mum though, because she was a 'cool' mum. She bought them porn and let them smoke. I think she was just desperate for them to like me? I remember vividly about her making this truth or dare game for us to play. I know a lot of the things in it were rather inappropriate, kissing and stuff, but the worst was a card about a boy putting his hands up a girl's top or something. We were about 11 at the time.

    Secondary school was pretty bad for me. I went to a girl's grammar and never really fit in. They had strict uniform rules and because of my height and weight (for reference I am 6'2" and obese now, and I grew very quickly, I was probably about the same then) my parents struggled to get uniforms for me. I had big feet too, so I had awful man's shoes. I remember having an awful pair of tailored trousers that didn't even fit, because according to mum she couldn't get me grey trousers anywhere else. I only had one pair, and they didn't get washed until the weekend. My blazer didn't fit properly either and it was humiliating. Skirts were an option but until then I'd never really worn many girl's clothes, mum usually got me men's clothes, so I didn't feel comfortable in those at all. The few times I did wear one I was made fun of.

    My schoolwork declined and my relationship with my father got worse, we would argue a lot and he would get frustrated and hit me. Mum would hit me too, but somehow this was overshadowed. She'd also shout and throw things and break my stuff. But dad always seemed to be made out to be the evil one somehow. I couldn't concentrate, I got extremely anxious in classes, I couldn't do my homework, and this made things worse. I started self harming again, and when I was 15 I was in hospital for a few days because I overdosed on the antidepressants I was given at the time. I was often in the toilets cutting myself and being sent home. Mum would never really have any sympathy, I was just being a pain because she had to come and pick me up. Oh, and I was stressing her out. Which made her epilepsy worse.

    I managed to scrape together a handful of GCSEs thanks to private tuition but no one was really proud of me. I was a failure and I knew it. I got into college and failed there too. My first year was fine but I couldn't cope with my national diploma and dropped out. It was all too much.

    Since then I've not really done much with myself other than get worse mentally. I've tried volunteering and was employed part-time for a while, but I could never stick to anything. I was too anxious, too self-deprecating. Too tired as well! My diabetes is very poorly controlled. Mum never really knew what portion control meant and as a result, I struggle to control my eating habits now as well. She used to let me eat whatever. I remember her buying me big bags of chocolate, crisps, whatever, probably just to shut me up? I don't know. Or maybe to make her look like an even better guy compared to dad. Either way I honestly think that's why I was dianosed as diabetic when I was 18. And it terrifies me.

    Of course if I bring that up with mum its my fault. And I honestly feel guilty about it.

    Over the past few years anyway, things have deteriorated with my mum. I gained a new burst of self-confidence in my body when I went to college, and since then I've tried to dress in clothing I feel good in, but she usually tells me it looks bad. Or my skirt's too short, or its too tight, or whatever it is. I'm fat and ugly and I should cover up, I guess, but I don't want to, its the one thing I have that makes me feel good about myself.

    She's also very abusive with my dad, expects him to do everything and do the house up, yadda yadda. Now our house isn't amazing, but it belongs to us, and the morgage is paid off, and considering how things are in the UK right now, that's pretty good for a working class family. We have a stable roof over our heads and I feel like we should be grateful for it. But its never good enough for her.

    She's also started getting jealous with my recent relationship with my grandparents (her parents). My grandfather had a stroke earlier this year, and I have been helping to care for him, mostly just by being around for them and cooking. They've been grateful and not minced their words telling me this, which has been amazing for me, I've been so happy to help and its felt so good to feel useful finally. But mum doesn't like it, because SHE'S not getting praised, she doesn't get this, or that, even though she doesn't do what I do.

    What finally made me snap was yesterday. She started complaining about dad again, and I told her she shouldn'#t complain so much about him. It turned into an argument which ended with her snatching up the TV remote and smashing it around my head.

    I need to do something but I honestly don't know what. She terrifies me, this wasn't her first violent act against me, she often throws things but I honestly feel like she's given me concussion, and it terrifies me to think what she might do next. She feels absolutely no remorse. Not once have I ever got an apology from her. I think she'd have happily grabbed a knife if it was to hand and got me with that instead, and not felt bad about it, simply because 'I made her angry'. Is this good enough to go to the police with? I don't want to seem like a timewaster. Or is there any mental health services I can call, because I honestly think she needs help.

    Thanks if you bothered to read through this post. I'd really appreciate any input

  7. #66
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    I am sorry your life is so chaotic...that the issues between your mother and father are impacting on you and your happiness. Imo aspects of your mothers behaviour such as providing porn to your friends and letting them smoke, throwing things at you show a lack of adult judgement and control. And like you wonder why she choses to engage in these damaging behaviours.

    Here you about being diagnosed as a diabetic...that your mother has littles sense of or care to support your dietary needs.

    A good thing I can see in your situation is that you are now an adult ..do not need to rely on your parents any more - can now make you own decisions - get informed about controlling your diabetes and start exploring ways to move out of your parents' home. I know as a currently unemployed woman this is not an easy step to take however there are agencies who provide support for people living with abuse - I turned to my local DV shelter, they helped me to explore my various options and helped me to develop a plan to do this in an effective way. I know that leaving may not be easy - probably will mean living in some sort of shared accommodation however for me that would be preferable to living as you describe. Other thing as an adult you no longer have a right to call on your parents to support you instead they have the right in law to tell you to leave if you tell them you do not like the way they treat you or each other.

    Hope what I have shared helps

    Seems that sometimes fate does not give us anything like ideal parents - remember counting down the days till I was 18 and could leave and take control of my life.

    I hope what I have shared helps
    Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

  8. #67
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    Hi
    I too am in the UK. So sorry to read your post..

    As you know mental health services have been decimated over here in recent years...maybe a chat to your GP could offer some guidance..
    Or 111 pressing option 2 puts you through to the emergency MH team.
    The other option is maybe: https://www.mind.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKC...xoCXeAQAvD_BwE

    who might be able to point you in the right direction.

    As for the police,you are certainly within your rights to call them out if under any form of attack...maybe a chat with this organisation would help clarify things for you:
    http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

    I hope things work out for you all
    xxxx M
    " A person's a person no matter how small" Horton the Elephant.
    "Why,sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll,Alice In Wonderland.

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  10. #68
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    Thinking that the idea of getting MH professional support is one I would choose if in this situation. I would be worried that simply calling Police would not resolve the ongoing abuse unless I was also prepared to leave at that time, never to return. I would be worried that calling police on someone that I am going to plan to continue living with, without a comprehensive exit plan, will simply result in an escalation of violence in the situation.

    Obviously, I do not know what will happen in your situation, I am speaking in more general terms and offering perspective in how I process this kind of situation. My personal belief is that ending immediate violence and ending long term violence need a different approach often.

    For me... I was living with my husband who was ongoing abusing me. I called police several times. This didn’t do much to stop the ongoing violence at all. (Even though I expected it to and wanted it to). It was ultimately still my responsibility to find myself a support team to help me have a comprehensive plan for exiting this violent relationship. (Which felt like an insane amout of responsibility to me!!!!) I felt too overwhelmed to create a support team and plan for myself. It turned out that going into a domestic violence shelter meant a bunch of resources and people willing to help were then available to support me. (I’m in the US, so don’t know about resources other places) It made a long term planning possible...where I otherwise felt overwhelmed in thoughts of a permanent escape. Experiencing the shelter and seeing other women who were taking steps to gain their independence really opened my mind to possibilities I did not know of.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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  12. #69
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    I'm not sure if my boyfriend's being abused

    Hi, I'm really glad I found this place, I just need an outside opinion. I've talked to my mum but she's quite... demeaning of my issues, nevermind my boyfriend's. We're both 17 and in a relationship for the last year. We also both have autistic tendencies (though neither of us enough for diagnosis). From the way he acts I've suspected something for a while. He apologises for everything, even if it was a complete accident or he wasn't even actually involved in the situation or the situation isn't an issue in the first place. He goes out of his way to please me, I mean obviously we're in love and want to make each other happy, but it's over the top, at the forfit of his own happiness. He expects me to find him annoying, he expects everyone to find him annoying, he still sort of believes I only keep him around because he's useful or I'm attracted to him. He can't believe I could love him, and finds any kind comment I make totally overwhelming. Sometimes I say "I hate you" if someone's teasing me, most of my friends would reply "Nah, you love me" but he curls in on himself (literally) and whispers "I know". It's horrible. If I'm annoyed or he hurts me accidentally he curls in on himself, doubles over and apologises profusely. He takes teasing completely genuinely (except with me more recently). He tries to crush all his emotions, berates himself for feeling, sometimes physically self-harming in public, but is actually incredibly emotional. He cried at any intense, negative emotion or serious discussion. He takes even minor criticism as an overly serious issue and something he should hate himself for. He has very few friends beyond those he's made through me and sees no one besides myself out of school unless we're meeting in a group. Because he thinks he's just annoying them. He also has graphic homicidal and very genuine suicidal thoughts. He finds the homicidal thoughts calming and loathes himself for it. All I've ever seen is a passive, submissive, sweet person but from what he says he had some outbursts of anger at secondary school, screaming at a teacher and once breaking a boys finger for annoying him. He absolutely hates himself, puts down his achievements, goes silent the few times I've genuinely (accidentally) hurt him and never offers his opinion, he will only back up my own in discussion without a lot of prompt from me. And then there's stuff he's actually said about his parents. I've met them and they're lovely, if very teasing, but he and his (much) older sister give it back too. But he considers his mother incredibly over protective to the point of condescension (but he is both a teenager and her son). He's mentioned she makes him feel guilty for having his own opinions. Despite being talkative with me, he says his father is very silent, typically "masculine", and shows no support. He once told his son he wasn't trying hard enough when he had a panic attack at school. My boyfriend hasn't told anyone beyond myself this and has cried and had nosebleeds when he has. He isn't good at eye contact at all. But I feel like sometimes things are just "lost in translation" on the other hand has parents should take that into account. He also spends all his time at home in his room. His mum compares him to his older brother (who abused drugs and alcohol, dropped out of uni, severly bullied my boyfriend and had completely unmanaged ADHD) all the time, and almost all the decisions he's made in his life have been to avoid being like him. He seems quite comfortable with his family but says he always feels like he's walking on eggshells. He's very indecisive. He also has some serious issues he needs to "sort through himself" before he tells me. I try to be supportive and comforting, a safe haven, as much as I can. I have my own issues. He really worries about his relationship with his family in the future. I also can't quite pinpoint an example now but he seems less emotionally developed in some areas. But to me he's kind, caring, protective. Sorry this is so long, I'm just really worried about him and have a mental illness of my own on top (that he helps a lot with). Being emotionally abused by his whole family bar his sister seems unlikely but... I thought I should find out

  13. #70
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    Well, I am not going to help you label abuse. It is just not for me to do. I mean, I am sure I have said some not so supportive things to my child when he was 17. (My son has Asperger’s) Is that abusive? Ignorance? A bad day? Idk. Emotional abuse is more subjective vs objective legally, depending on where you are and such... way too complicated for me to try to wrap my head around.

    What comes to mind for me when reading this is that it is very possible that your BF does sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Imo, this needs to be sorted out first. Autism affects ones perception. Affects how the senses are reciveing and interpreting information. It could make him hypersensitive both physically and emotionally and sorting this stuff out alone can be confusing at best and impossible at worst.

    I personally have found CARD (center for autism and related disabilities; I’m in US, idk if they have this in other countries.) to be a phenomenal resource for helping my own child. While they only accept persons as members who can provide proof of their ASD diagnosis, I am sure they will help guide BF in the best way to get a diagnosis if he so chooses to seek that out. Some areas, it is best to start with a PCP, others a neuro physchologist, etc. It really depends on area and such what method makes the most sense. CARD does not “do” anything to provide direct counseling or such. They are more like an educational organization to point you to the right resources and teach a person how to manage resources and advocate for themself. Sometimes they do run educational trainings for their clients, such as social skills groups and parent support groups, transitioning into adulthood groups, etc. Usually tho their focus is educating the masses such as school district wide programs and such. Just pointing this out so he does not expect of them what is not their role and find himself frustrated. It took me time to figure out in what way to utilize them best.

    Imo, so much of how you describe your BF is very similar to what I have experienced over the years in contact with those on the ASD spectrum, and my own child.

    Also, imo... way I see it is there may be an underlying neurological difference in how your BF is experiencing life. This needs attention before the social emotional and psychological stuff can be properly faced. If he has ASD, then the way he processes this stuff is going to matter greatly! While he may not qualify for diagnosis via simple PCP interview or such, CARD can usually point one to better resources for more comprehensive testing.
    Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

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