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Thread: Don't know if this counts as abuse

  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    Was this coersive or consentual?

    My ex boyfriend - we've been broken up for nearly 2 years, we're still friends but have sex on a number of occasions over the past year.
    I have a new boyfriend now and told my ex boyfriend that under no circumstances was I ever going to cheat on him but we could still be friends as we were always pretty close before we got together and kept that friendship afterwards as well.
    So my ex came over to see me, the plan was just to drink tea, chat and generally hang out.
    That was fine to start with, my little girl was still awake and everything was fine. Then once I put her to bed he decided to sit next to me on the sofa. He started casually coming on to me, I told him to behave and to stop it and that it wasn't going to happen... but he couldn't seem to take no for an answer. He kept doing it despite me saying for him to stop, eventually he picked me up and took me to my bedroom.
    I told him to put me down and that I wasn't going to have sex with him and to stop. But he still wouldn't stop, he kept kissing me and putting his hands down my top, etc. He was laying on top of me and he was a lot stronger than me, I kept saying no, kept saying for him to stop it and he just replied "I can't stop" I pushed him away but he moved my hands and carried on, I kept pushing him away saying no stop but he kept going, he managed to undo my trousers and kept trying to pull them down and I kept pulling them back up.
    Eventually he managed to get them off an had undone his trousers, I didn't know what to do, I knew what he was going to do and I couldn't stop him. Eventually I stopped pushing him away as it was doing no good, he was much stronger than me, I just laid there telling him to stop but he kept going telling me how he wanted to make love to me one last time, that nobody would ever find out.
    Then I stopped fighting, I don't know why, I didn't want what was happening and I kept thinking about my boyfriend and how much it would hurt him if he ever found out, but I let it happen anyway. He didn't hurt me, he didn't threaten to hurt me, I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but I also knew that I couldn't stop him (if that even makes any sense!?)
    Afterwards what happened hadn't really registered.... was it rape? I don't know, because I stopped fighting does that mean I gave him consent? Because he didn't hurt me does that mean I basically just had normal sex with him or what? I'm really confused.

  2. #2
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    Yes, what did happen to you was rape. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine how confused and embarrassed and hurt you must feel right now. :(

    You told him no. That should have been enough to get him to stop. But he didn't, so it was rape. Anything other than, "Yes, I would like have sex with you," means NO. And it just angers me so much that some people think otherwise, think it's okay to keep doing stuff even though the other person clearly doesn't want it.

    Also, WTF, "I can't stop"??? Was he possessed by an incubus?? Holy crap. Just...ugh. I have some choice words I can't utter right now. People always have control over their actions (with the exceptions of muscle spasms or, like...tics caused by Tourette's or something), especially an action as complex as having sex. That's hardly a muscle spasm!

    GAH!

    I am angry for you. If your boyfriend feels hurt by this or gets angry at you or has any reaction other than "Holy crap, you were raped, I'm so sorry, tell me how I can help," he is a crap. This was not your fault. You fought, you said no, you did not give consent.

    Safe hugs if you want one...

  3. #3
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    Hugs are good from those who are safe :)
    so sorry this has happened for you

    here listening if it helps

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    Quote Originally Posted by theredmarker View Post
    Also, WTF, "I can't stop"??? Was he possessed by an incubus?? Holy crap. Just...ugh. I have some choice words I can't utter right now. People always have control over their actions (with the exceptions of muscle spasms or, like...tics caused by Tourette's or something), especially an action as complex as having sex. That's hardly a muscle spasm!
    This is pretty much what I was thinking as well when I read this. "I can't stop" is just ridiculous. There is no way this is at all an acceptable response to "no". This wasn't making love, this was rape.

    I had something very similar happen to me, but I don't think I fought as much as you did. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I hadn't consented, I had stopped fighting to protect myself. I was also in a situation where I could've kept fighting, but it was going to happen anyway. That's not consent, that's resignation and survival.

    If you're 16 or over, you're welcome to register. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but glad you've found Fort.
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    Determined (09-19-2018)

  6. #5
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    This was my post before I registered. I didn't want to register until someone confirmed it was rape... I didn't want to be wasting anyone's time.
    Thank you for the kind words
    It only happened a couple of days a go and I'm still trying to get my head around it.
    I feel like it was my fault somehow that I could have done something else to stop it.
    I don't know whether to tell my boyfriend, I feel really ashamed and like I cheated on him even though I didn't want to and I'm scared that he'll think it was me cheating too. If he doesn't think that then I'm afraid that he'll want to know who it was and I'm not ready to bring it all out into the open, I don't want anyone confronting my ex about it.... I just want to forget it ever happened.... my ex is engaged to be married, has a lovely little boy and a soon to be step son. I don't want anyone else hurt by this....

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    theredmarker (05-28-2013)

  8. #6
    violet is offline Refreshing breeze of love
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    Welcome to Fort! I hope to see you around the forums or chat.

    I'm sorry you are still dealing with having this happen to you so recently.

    I can really relate to who I want to disclose personal traumatic experiences to. Sometimes people I've told traumatic experiences to have been supportive and other times they haven't.

    I'm not sure what would feel helpful to you, but I can share what I found helpful when I was dealing with traumatic experiences. When I've called helplines, I've had very good experiences and felt very supported and validated. I was able to discuss my concerns and hear information that was helpful to me during those times.

    The Fort library has an article I like called "Rape & Sexual Assault Support Links" here: http://www.fortrefuge.com/rape.html

    The article has a list of phone lines and online places that some survivors of sexual assault might find useful while they are deciding what options feel right for them. That article also has a couple of links that some survivors might find helpful with information about some options after finding out they have recently been raped.

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    I can relate to feeling like you've cheated even though you had no choice in the matter. It's always up to you who you tell things to, and I can understand not wanting to hurt other people. Something came to mind though while I was reading this, if he's engaged, but he's willing to do this to you, then he's obviously not worried about hurting other people. He wasn't worried about hurting you, his fiancee or your current BF.

    Not wasting anyone's time here, welcome to Fort!
    Currently dusting off my jumpsuit. Cover me!
    East is up.
    You can learn to levitate with just a little help.
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  11. #8
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    He's never been overly concerned about anyone feelings besides his own to be honest.
    I on the other hand can't stomach the thought of hurting people.

    I tried confronting him about it today, to start with he was very apologetic, then he started trying to justify his actions. He told me "you didn't fight the whole way through though" then when he realised why I was confronting him he got his back up saying I had better not be accusing him of rape, etc... so I didn't. I completely bottled it and started blaming myself again... why didn't I fight the whole way through, why wasn't I more forceful, why did I let him come round in the first place, if I really didn't want it I would have kicked, bite, punched and screamed, etc, etc...... I feel like a bit of an impostor here to be honest....

    Thank you for the welcomes though, it's very much appreciated

  12. #9
    GUEST123 Guest

    Don't know if this counts as abuse

    Used to be sure, now I'm not. When you look at symptoms of adult survivors of child abuse, in particular sexual abuse, the symptoms seem to apply to many things, not just that one type of abuse. So how do you know for sure? I have some memories, just bits and pieces, but I do know they weren't "suggested" by others because they sort of came to me when I was alone and something triggered like a "flashback". A movie memory in my mind of an event. Can't recall if the memory was due to a movie or a song or who knows.
    But so I do have problems with what I call over-reactions-my rage can be way over for the situation, and I heard that is a sign of abuse. I also have a very long history of drug abuse, I have panic attacks, have had nightmares (violent ones) ever since I was a pre-teen, self-harming behavior, reckless behavior, but also a strong aversion to being touched or any intimate behavior. Often I find it disgusting or repulsive. It makes me react in a very angry manner and a hurtful manner to the person who is trying to be romantic or loving to me.
    So I'm not sure, but as of late, as I have come to a place in my life where I know I need to resolve this constant turmoil and other issues and I in many ways feel ready now to leave my past behind and get on with my life, I feel that I have to know. Was I sexually abused, or are those few things I remember just an overactive imagination? I just feel that it is important for me to know so that I can move on with life.
    I can't afford a therapist, and to be honest whose to say they would know any better than I would? I welcome any advice or sharing or any help I can get in getting clarity on this. Thank you.

  13. #10
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    Not sure where you are from Guest123 but there may be alternatives in your area for lo-cost or no cost therapy if you have no insurance or your insurance does not cover it. Without commenting too specifically on what you posted ( We are survivors giving peer support, I think its awesome, it is NOT therapy from a licensed pro though), You surly are troubled by something. So peer support sites are a good tool for you to have but it is a real good idea to get an opinion from a pro too. As to your memory question I can relate my own experience to you. I am also unsure if some of the tings I "remember" were 100% real. A combination of therapy and medical care provided the incontrovertible evidence that there had been SA in our past. Still, memory is chaotic and fragmented. It may be some time before it gets sorted out but, to do that you have start somewhere.Hope that helps and you find your answers.
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Greene

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